[The scene: a beach. Bo Derek emerging from the waves. Ravel's
Bolero playing. Deftly interwoven with the Animaniacs theme.
Unfortunately, I can't play it for you because Usenet doesn't do
sound. Oh, yeah, and also because I have no musical talent. But
just
try humming them both at the same time -- see, they kinda fit, huh?
You can imagine how Richard Stone would've handled it.]
[Derek steps onto the beach. The Animaniacs side of the music
reaches a crescendo.]
Y & W: [popping up over her shoulders] Hellooooo, nurse!!
DEREK: Aaaauugh!! Horrible sea urchins!
YAKKO: Where's your cousin Daisy?
WAKKO: Can I drive the General Lee?
DEREK: Get off me!!
WAKKO: What happened to your hair?
YAKKO: Let me guess -- ACME Curling Iron? They recalled that, y'know.
You should get in on the class-action lawsuit.
[Camera pulls back to reveal Dot standing beside them, arms folded]
DOT: Well, *I* think it's cute! [She rapidly twists her ears into tight
little braids]
[Cutely fluttering her eyelashes at Dudley Moore]
Do you like my ears better up or down?
MOORE: I'm not drunk enough for thish.... [staggers off]
YAKKO: Do we get a third choice?
DOT: Boys! No sense of taste.
WAKKO: We have very good taste!
YAKKO: And we've got the buds to prove it!
[They stick out their tongues (and their necks), close up to the
camera, revealing every little bump... out of which promptly sprout
small seedlings]
[Fast blur-pan to Dr. Scratchansniff, standing in line for ice
cream
with Hello Nurse]
DR.S.: Jah, I know, it's ein "visual gag". <sigh>
YAKKO: [Noticing Hello Nurse] Now on a scale of 1 to 10, there's an
eleven!
[Yakko and Wakko zip over next to her]
YAKKO: [Moonily] I'm such a sucker for hair you can run your fingers
through!
[He and Wakko each grab a handful of Hello Nurse's hair...and run
off-
screen, yanking the hair off her head, presumably to go
finger-racing]
NURSE: [Calmly taking off her nurse's cap and shaking down her hair]
Fortunately, I was prepared for just such an emergency.
[Meanwhile, clamour off-shore draws the sibs' attention. A group
of
scientists in boats are trying to lure a whale that's gotten too
close
to shore one way, while a group of Indians--er, Native
Americans...that is, uh, aboriginal... um, First...ah...]
YAKKO: @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
-- [to one of them] Hey, you, tell the narrator who you
are!
JOE: Joe.
YAKKO: Thanks.
[...while, uh, Joe and his community try to lure the whale back.]
DOT: What's up, mister?
JOE: We believe this whale is the re-incarnated spirit of our Chief.
DOT: And you want him to stay and watch over your tribe and spread his
wisdom through your people?
JOE: We want to find out what he did with the remote control.
DOT: Uh-oh. Another episode that flunks the politically-correct test.
WAKKO: [Shaking his head sadly] We're gonna get letters...
YAKKO: [Noticing dust approaching on the horizon] Here come the lawyers!
[Suddenly a hot-air balloon lands almost on top of the trio, and
Arnold Schwarzenegger strides out.]
ARNIE: I just flew in from Turkey--
WAKKO: ...And your arms are tired?
ARNIE: Tired? They're not flabby arms like yours, girly-boy. [He grabs one
of
Wakko's arms, which goes all rubberly limp, just as the lawyers
arrive.]
LAW.1: Did you just say, "girly-boy"? We have clients who consider such
terminology to be denigrating, offensive, and improperly spelled.
I have here some paperwork--
ARNIE: You're choking, right?
LAW.2: Choking? Is that a physical threat?
ARNIE: No, it's chust my accent! Say, are you from one of those TV shows
where they try to catch people in embarrassing situations for the
entertainment of the viewers?
LAW.3: No, I can categorically assure you that none of us is related to
any
news-gathering organisation.
YAKKO: @[EMAIL PROTECTED]
so you're from Fox??
LAW.4: We represent the firm of As, Long, As, We, Can, Stir, Up, Trouble,
and Wegetpaideitherway.
ARNIE: Lawyers! This may require a more political approach.
[He strides off purposefully, the lawyers in hot pursuit.]
YAKKO: So, what, is he coming back??
[Fade to the next scene: a close-up of the whale, looking rather
bewildered as it's put upon from both sides. Suddenly there's a
whistle from off-screen. The whale looks over and gets a goofy
grin
on his face. Floating next to him is the hot-air balloon, crudely
made up to look like a girl whale (eyelashes, lipstick, etc.)]
DOT'S VOICE: Hey, Free Willy! Let's ditch the tourists and go somewhere
private where you can serenade me!
[With a might splash of his tail, they swim off. The whale puckers
up.]
YAKKO'S VOICE: [Falsetto] Tee-hee! I hardly know you!
WAKKO: [Muffled] If you think I'm kissing him you're Luna Tunes!!
[Hearing Wakko's voice, the whale frowns in suspicion and peers
closely
inside the balloon]
Y+W+D: Uh-oh!
DOT: [Pushing her brothers in front of her] Eat my brothers, they're way
meatier than I!
YAKKO: H-hey, do I look like Jonah to you?!
WAKKO: [Reaching into his gag-bag and pulling out a copy of Just So
Stories]
This might have the answer! ...We'll read him a suspenseful story
every
night for 1001 nights!
[The whale bellows and the sibs take off, running across the water]
YAKKO: [Turning to the camera] If you're wondering why we're not sinking,
we're not that holy -- the water's just as shallow as this plot.
WAKKO: Who's writing this, anyway?
DOT: [Shrugs] Whatcha gonna do? They fired all the good writers a decade
ago.
[Soon the three are back on the beach, shaking themselves dry.]
WAKKO: Think we'll see Annette Funicello?
YAKKO: I'd rate *her* eleven out of ten!
[Cut to several females posed on the boardwalk...
Britney Spears... Pamela Anderson... Cher... Joan Rivers...]
YAKKO: [Grimacing] Cosmetic surgery doesn't inspire me the way it used to.
DOT: Why don't we go down to the forbidden-part-of-the-beach and build
some
sandcastles?
WAKKO: Aren't you afraid of the--- you know.
YAKKO: Naw, this group is so dead, even the trolls aren't posting any
more.
[Suddenly we see Ralph, wearing an old-fashioned stripey bathing
suit,
pulling lifeguard duty.]
RALPH: Dah, hey, youse! No puppy-kidses on the beach! <Twheeeet!!!>
Y+W+D: Yipes!
[Cue Warners' theme as they race around the sand with Ralph chasing
after them. Fade to black.]
- David "it was Monday, September 13, exactly eleven
years ago today, that I had never heard of
Animaniacs and had no idea what I was missing"
Green
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