SKIPPY: Aunt Slaaaaapppy!!
SLAPPY: Wh-wha? What!? Skippy, what's the matter??
SKIPPY: I wanna go to the zoo.
SLAPPY: Don't worry me like that, kiddo. Yelling is for someone
kidnapping
you or the house burning down or Brad Pitt looking for my
autograph. I ain't as young as I used to be, you know. I'm a
nonagenarian now!
SKIPPY: Is that why whenever I want to do something, you say "no, no"??
SLAPPY: You're a regular S. J. Perelman. Whaddya want to go to the zoo
for?
If you want to see animals lazing around and getting fed on
demand,
just look in the mirror.
SKIPPY: You can always find lots of nuts at the zoo!
SLAPPY: Or at Fringe Theatre festival. That doesn't mean I want to go.
SKIPPY: Besides, I like to watch you arguing with the monkeys.
SLAPPY: What a compliment. Hows about you go home and ask your parents to
take you.
SKIPPY: But I thought I lived with you now?
SLAPPY: Yeah, look, we made the pilot, it was sweet, it was
demographically
correct, it tanked like the Titanic visiting a black hole. Now
run
along home, will ya? It's the best thing for a kid to be with his
parents.
[Cut to view outside Slappy's tree, looking down onto the yard
where it grows. The back door of the adjoining house opens, and
a mother comes out and deposits her toddler on the lawn.]
LADY: Now you be a good girl, Mindy! Mommy has to go to a protest march
and lobby for a nationalised day-care program.
MINDY: OK, lady, I love you, buh-bye!
MOMMY: [Muttering] I oughtta march to protest her calling me "lady" all
the
time... [she leaves]
SLAPPY: OK, it's best for *most* kids....
[They start to climb down the tree. Buttons is jumping at the
base,
yipping and barking at the squirrels. Slappy whistles to get his
attention and points out at the street, where Mindy is just
falling
down an open manhole. Buttons squeals and dashes from the yard.]
SLAPPY: He oughtta get a cage for that kid.
[Fade to next scene: Slappy and Skippy are walking at the zoo.
Slappy reaches into her purse and gives Skippy some money.]
SLAPPY: Here, go get yourself a bag of peanuts.
SKIPPY: Thanks, Aunt Slappy! [He runs up to the peanut stand, but just
then
Walter Wolf barges in and pushes his way in front.]
SLAPPY: Hey! Are you blind? 'Cause if not, that can be arranged!
[She brandishes her umbrella.]
WALTER: Aw, nuts to you, Slappy Squirrel!
Someone call the zookeeper to get this beast back in her cage!
SLAPPY: You owe my nephew an apology, Walter, and I'm going to see that
he gets it!
WALTER: I had to get these peanuts for an emergency. If I give 'em to the
elephants, they promised to step on you!
SLAPPY: I don't hear you apologising!
WALTER: Scram before I eat you as an appetiser! [Not only does Walter
pop his P's, but his teeth nearly come out. He quickly pushes
them back in place and walks away.]
SKIPPY: Gee, Aunt Slappy--
SLAPPY: [Grimly] C'mon, Skippy. Let's get you a balloon.
[They walk over to where the Mime is making balloon animals.
Meanwhile, cut to a shot of Walter chewing, and tossing empty
peanut
shells in his hand. He looks evilly in Slappy's direction and
pulls out a straw that he aims in her direction....]
SLAPPY: We'd like-- [The Mime holds out his hand to stop her, finishes
deftly tying a balloon dog -- er, cat -- uh, water buffalo --
ah...
a balloon Warner, and bends in front of her to hand it to Skippy.
At that very moment, he gets hit with a faceful of peanut shells
that lay him out flat.]
SLAPPY: [Politely reaching over the Mime's body to grab the balloons]
We'll
take all of 'em. [She puts some money in the hands of the Mime,
who smiles groggily.] Watch and learn, Skippy!
[Wipe to the next scene: Slappy's tree house. The leaves rustle,
a
hundred balloons start to rise from the treetop, pulling
underneath
them a rather ominous looking bomb. Slappy and Skippy dart across
branches and over rooftops, blowing the balloons in front of them
with an electric fan Slappy is carrying. They soon catch sight of
Walter Wolf, still munching on his bag of nuts, walking down the
street. Well, running down the street, as soon as he notices
what's hovering over his head. Cue Ride of the Valkyries.]
SLAPPY: You can run, but you can't hide!
[Musical intro & voice-over:]
Ninety-nine red balloons!
Floating in the autumn sky.
Red alert, no place to lurk,
You oughtta not be such a jerk.
Someone's gonna get revenge:
Watch out for her looming eng-
Ine of destruction in the sky,
Where ninety-nine red balloons go by!
[Walter reaches his home, dashes inside, and bolts the door.]
SLAPPY: OK, you can hide. But it won't do ya any good.
Ninety-nine pounds of TNT!
Coming down your chim-en-ey.
You've pulled that kind of stunt before:
Of course you realise, this means war!
Can't beam up like Captain Kirk,
Hope you like the fireworks!
In space, no one hears you cry,
Not when ninety-nine balloons go by!
[Walter's house explodes with a tremendous blast. Walter too.]
Ninety-nine years of Walter's guff,
You'd think by now, he'd had enough.
Now he's lying in the ruins,
That's the way it is in 'toons.
The stars may not be back in action,
But baddies still end up in traction.
Remember that and think of Slappy,
And let the balloon peo-ple free!
[Slappy and Skippy walk up to where Walter is lying in a charred
heap.]
WALTER: All right, all right. I'm sorry.
SLAPPY: See? Doing the right thing isn't so hard, is it?
[She grabs the bag from Walter's hand, which, naturally, he has
not
let go of through the whole ordeal. She flips one of the nuts
into
her mouth.]
Mmm! Hot roasted! Here ya go, Skippy!
WALTER: [Calling after her] You might want to look up the words
"proportional force"!!
[As the two squirrels walk away, we see firemen in the background,
or at least three Warners in firemen's hats and gear rushing
around
the smouldering wreckage.]
SKIPPY: Thanks for a great day, Aunt Slappy! Tomorrow can we go to the
rodeo? ...I hear Beanie the Braindead Bison is there!
SLAPPY: [Arching her eyebrows knowingly at the camera] Now *that's*
comedy!
[Iris over and out!]
- David "They knew! They didn't know that they knew, but on the radio
this
morning they very appropriately played Humoresque. Awwwww...!" Green
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