Here's something I started writing back in 2004. Hey, better late than
sooner! At least now, I can post whatever I want without disturbing
anybody.
....
<crickets>
Anyhoo, fourteen years is a long time. Unless perhaps you're a redwood,
but my sources indicate that you're not. Even Jamie Kellner is gone now
(better late than -- nah, actually sooner would have been better). But
never mind, what's important now is to think back to better times, the
good old days... time to party like it's 1995! Or at least to whine
about how no one ever had enough sense to make *me* head of a TV network.
For anyone who's hoping to make it big, I can but offer this sage advice
from Gilbert and Sullivan, from their hit satire on mass media, The BBC
Pinafore.
You'll need really good breath control to sing it at full speed.
A METICULOUS ANALYSIS OF HIT TV
When I was young I watched TV
'Cause (as opposed to babysitters) it was free;
I got disturbed by what I'd see,
So rarely did it make a bit of sense to me!
(He got baffled by the plot twists in Three's Comp-an-y.)
I saw my goal; from then I planned
To make TV eventually a vast wasteland.
(He vowed to make TV so bland
That someone who had his IQ could understand!)
I worked and slaved and showed no shame
Producing TV fare that was extremely lame;
I managed to increase my stocks
By taking shows to shocking lows when starting Fox!
(Folks at the time found that much slime unorthodox.)
I gained such notoriety,
It soon begat the top role at the WB!
(The splash made at Fox Studios
Was such that he's the next big cheese at Warner Bros.)
My new job came with lots of pow'r,
I cancelled shows that hadn't even aired one hour.
I knew what's best -- between and 'twixt
My standards and my guidance wrestling soon got nixed.
(He got dumbfounded when he found out that it's fixed!)
I proved myself one of the pros,
Until the network made me head of children's shows.
(His past performance set the stage --
He got dispatched because it matched his mental age.)
I'd no clue whom these shows would please,
So I redubbed reject reruns from the Japanese;
It saved so much that in a year
A closed cartoon-shop meant a boon to my career.
(But Termite Terrace didn't fare as well, we fear.)
The shows I killed could never last;
They might have won some Emmys but all that was past.
(In Hollywood, high quality
Is just a stop-gap while you shop for cheap TV.)
So if you want to make your mark
In network television, it's an easy lark.
Programs that get press will make your name,
Then cut costs to the bone and you'll secure your fame!
(Just get attention, good or bad, it's all the same!)
...You can sit at your desk and never watch TV --
And some day one like you might run Kids' WB!
(Promote yourself and skimp on creativ-i-ty,
You might succeed and get to lead the Dubya-B!)
-David "Oh yeah, happy anniversary or something" Green
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