"Queen Buffy..."
Summary: The Immortal is a true showman...And has spared no effort or
expense...
A little fun cobbled from my various IB brainstormings and a certain
film...
Archived at the 'normal' Buffyverse page of the Buffy Rebecca
verse, http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/index.html
or direct to story
at
http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/qb.html
Disclaimer: All BTVS characters remain the property of Joss Whedon,
Mutant Enemy, and all other owner/creators of the Buffy the Vampire
Slayer series...
***
Part IX...
Downtown Hell...
"Ladies, gentlemen, and everything else...Is this the Day?...Is there
time to run?...Time to hide?...I'm standing here in the midst of a
scene of epic pandemonium..." a more or less human reporter spoke into
his 30s-style large standing microphone...50s-style TV camera trained on
him...
"Good evening Mr and Mrs Hell, from border to border and coast to
coast and all the ships at sea..." a large crusty-skinned tobacco-stain
colored demon in shirt and tie, hat pushed back, spoke facing his
camera crew...
"Oh, the Demonity...!" another, a short purple imp with a tuft of red
hair carefully coiffed, sobbed to her camera...Waving to indicate the
panicky crowd rushing past...
"Friends, the liberals..." a large, pig-snouted, bald creature in suit
and tie addressing his camera...
"Karen, don't you think as a result of these tragic events Hell's
Congress should show the courage of our savagely violent volunteer
militias on the dimensional border and pass legislation to keep these
filthy illegal uncondemned human immigrants and their traitorous
relations from being smuggled into our beloved Hell to ruin our
economy?..." another large human in suit facing camera to his female
human colleague...
"Yes, Lou...I think as a result of these tragic events Congress should
show the courage of our savagely..." the woman nodded dutifully...
"It's an even madder house out there than usual..." General Droog shook
his head as the car bearing him, Denham, several demon aides, and
Irina made its rushing way through or in some cases, over, the fleeing
crowd...Several vehicles carrying the rest of the Immortal's surviving
staff, with cameras rolling, following...
"Yeah, isn't it incredible?!..." Denham beamed... "Irina, make sure we
get copies of all the TV footage those guys out there are doing..."
"Right, sir..."
For the sake of history...he noted to the frowning Droog...Hmmn...Yes...
"Your Benevolence, about your plan..." the demon general began,
politely...
You mean the new, crazy one to surrender to the Slayer...Or the old,
insane one to bring her and William here?...Irina thought...
"Yeah, Droog?..."
"Well, sir...I mean...Surrendering yourself to the Slayer?..."
"We don't exactly seem to have many other options to bring her out,
Droog...Unless you got something?..."
"Most of what I had is still lying dead on the battlefield at LA, Your
Benevolence..."
"Couldn't we just let her go?..." Irina suggested... "All she wants is
William after all...If we opened the portal and showed her the way..."
Droog visibly perking up at the suggestion...
"She'd never trust it without a hostage...A valuable one..." Denham,
hurriedly...
"But sir, she'll kill you..."
"Sacrifices hafta be made for art, Rinee..." solemn look...
So...There can be snow in Hell...she thought, eyeing him narrowly...
***
"We find Denham, we find the portal..." Buffy noted as she and Will held
a hurried conference in the alley where they hidden themselves for the
moment from Hell's finest on patrol... "We just gotta let him find us..."
"Without being incinerated or shot first..."
"Or gassed...God, am I gonna kill that guy for this headache..." she
sighed, rubbing temples...
Let me...Will applied his hands... "Just relax a mo..."
"Oooh...Now that's what husbands are for..." she cooed, shifting cozily
under his ministrations... "Thanks, honey...But you're the one who oughta
be relaxing, Will..."
"Eh, the exercise's been good for me..." he shrugged... "You know I'm a
fast healer..."
"Well, when this is over we're both relaxing...For a good month..." she
insisted... "If I'm remembering correctly now, we never did have a
decent honeymoon...And we ought to renew our vows...I doubt a hundred and
twenty year old marriage certificate...Say, you don't still...?"
"Up with my old crypt, sorry..."
"You kept it?..." she broke into a beaming smile... "Will..."
"It was among my papers...I guess Spike felt it part of his Evil duty to
torment the world with my works...And maybe me with a view of it now and
then..."
"It was you...I know it..." she kissed him... "But anyway, we'll need a
new
one...And making Giles attend the ceremony will just about do it for his
trying to kill you before..."
He eyed her...
"I'll let him give me away..." she gave an innocently solemn look...
"A guaranteed coronary...Buffy, you've been around a Partner too
long..."
"Oh, Giles'll get over it...And the coronary...He's still pretty
fit..."
"I suppose you still want a daylight ceremony...Mrs. Pile of Dust?..."
"Eh, Willow will help out there...If she wants to be maid of honor...And
for Kennedy to remain healthy...Or maybe Angel will have something in
the W-H vaults..."
"The Nibs is gonna freak, you know..."
"Already did...I had to have some help coverin' during my great love
affair with that Immortal heap of pond scum..." she shrugged... "And
once she got used to the idea...Though the daughter thing might really
set her off..." she pulled at her lip...
"Yeah...Speaking of children, by the way..."
Will?...she blinked...And broke into a beaming smile...
"Now you're getting the hang of this husband thing...And...I'd love
to..." she grinned... "Seriously, we'll speak to Willow...Or Angel, who
oughta know...Three ok?..."
"Ummn...Actually, Buffy..."
"Four's my limit...Will, we're both busy people...And good colleges are
expensive, even for Councilor Generals of the Watchers' Council and
partners at Angel, Walthrop, and others, formerly Wolfram-
Hart...Though if ya really gotta have five..." she sighed...
"Dear, three's fine...But, see..."
A growl at the upper end of the alley...
"See what?..." Buffy having caught something in his tone...
"I think we best be going, dear..." Will waved towards the sound of
several somethings now at the upper end, not apparently yet aware of
them...
"Yeah, yeah...So, just what are you sayin'?...Will?...You're not sayin'...
William?..." she stared at him, face a trifle paler than even the
desperate struggle for freedom and her utter exhaustion had so far
produced...
"Tell me it was Spike, not you..."
"No, no...Buf...Lets discuss it later, it's no big deal..."
"If it's Drusilla's...Or that bitch vamp cheerleader...It's big enough...
Will?...I know you couldn't help yourself but how could you?..." her
face darkening...Then relaxing to resignation... "I suppose it's my
fault..." she sighed...
"Sweetheart, really..." he pulled...Seeing a burst of flame up the
alley...
Uh-oh...
"Well, whose is it?...And what is it?..."
"Human...It's fine...Buffy, I think those boys either have flame throwers
or another dragon, we gotta go..."
"Human?...William?!..." a shocked and rather stern tone which he
somehow recognized...
"Uh...Cicely, really...He's adopted...Well, not legally, but..."
"Adopted?...Whose kid is he?...Will, was she one of Spike's...?"
Harsh yells from up the alley...Sound of metal banging on metal...Another
burst of flame lighting up their hiding spot...
"No, I rescued him from a demons' sacrifice...Now come on, dear, we can
discuss this later..."
"A sacrifice...?" she eyed him carefully... "His biologicals were pond
scum...Cicely, I swear..."
"Ok, ok...Lets move..." she waved...They both carefully slipped over a
fence
at the rear of the alley...Whoops...Will pulled her back from the lip
of the cesspool of all cesspools...
"Are those...?" she stared down at the various floating limbs...
"Human, yeah...The River Styx, I imagine...Or what's left of
it...Guess even Hell has a little garbage disposal problem..." Will
nodded thoughtfully... "That way..." he pointed... Both moving
cautiously along the slimy, oozing bank of mud and clotted weeds...
"So I guess my Cicely side wasn't too shabby...Imposingwise, I
mean...Ummn..." she hesitated...
"That wasn't...?"
"Wasn't what...?" he turned...
"Buffy wasn't a disappointment to you, Will, was she?..."
He blinked...Hmmn?...
"Well, I mean...I guess Cicely was sorta cultured and..."
Ummn..."Tall?..."
"What?...Watch it, I think there's something moving in that muck of a
river..."
"Keepin' my eye on it...Anyhow, it's just impressions I'm gettin'
now...She was kinda the genteel lady of the manor, right?..."
"Cicely?..."
"I know I've lost some of that...And a few inches..."
"Buffy...?"
A roar as a large serpent's head rose, limbs and various body sections
falling back into whatever mix of stinking water, gore, mud, and slime
composing the river...She whirled on the head as it darted at her,
jaws snapping... "Hey, we're busy here!!..." she smashed at it and it
ducked quickly back down, howling...
"Well..." she sighed... "I can't help thinking it might be why souled
Will wasn't in all that big a hurry to go after me..."
"Sweetheart...You had more important things on your mind, I didn't
want to pester you...Besides, you weren't all that cultured in
1880...There was plenty room for improvement...Nor all that tall..."
he grinned... "And I like you blond..."
"Really?..." she beamed...Her face suddenly falling...
"Uh...Will..."
"I know..." he grinned..."But hell, so am I..."
***
Hell Military Command Center bunker, two miles from the
interdimensional portal network...
"So you say the portal emitter can be placed on a building...On top of
a building?...A tall building?..." Denham eyed General Droog...
"It can be placed just about anywhere in Hell, sir...It's only a
focusing device..."
"Right, right...Great...Well...Is there a really colossal building
around here?..."
"The Osama Tower...Renamed for him after 9/11, you know...Used to be
the Chrysler Hell building...Great place to mix and mingle in the old
days before those religious fanatics of his took it over..."
"Floors?..."
"150 by the design, I understand...It's still unfinished past floor
131...Nothing in Hell is ever finished, part of the scheme of things,
you know?..."
"Not too shabby...Well, are the planes comin' or no?..."
"We have some biplanes on the way, Mr. Denham...Though, sir I still
wonder what possible use..."
"Biplanes...?"
"Afraid we're a little behind Earth technologically..." Droog
sighed... "But some of our marsupial winged fighters survived their
encounter on Earth and are coming in as well..."
"Oh...The monkey boys?...Now they might have a chance...Did that big
fellow leading them back on Earth make it?..."
"Commander Koog is leading them, yes..."
"Ah...Great...Irina, are our helicopters from Earth are all fueled and
set?..."
"The guys are just loading them, sir...Sir, are you sure you...?"
"Irina?...Would I ever send my people to do anything I wouldn't
myself?...Lets go...Thanks, General...If I don't make it back, tell
those idiots Wilkens, Mears, Nast, and the First they're welcome to
fight it out amongst themselves for the top job...They probably
already are, anyway..."
"Sir...You shall be remembered with honor..." the demon commander
nodded solemnly...
We just don't produce this kind of crazed lunatic anymore...
"I'm off...Which way is it, general?..." he turned to the demon
commander... "Your cab is waiting to take you to the field,
sir...Ming?..." the commander waved to a four-foot, somewhat gnarled
aide in rather elaborate uniform...
"Right, great...Just a mo...Well, Irina..." he looked at her set
face... "Just have the fellas follow my chopper...It'll be fine..."
Roll of eyes...
"Fine...Of course if you want to stay behind, I understand...I'll be
ok..."
"Uh-huh..."
Longer roll of eyes...
"The planes are coming in, General..." Aide Ming called to Droog...
"Look..." he hissed as Droog was summoned to give orders to the now
circling planes' pilots... "We gotta be there first...I want
everything in position..."
I might've known...She gave a sour look...Hey I didn't become the
"Immortal" by dying for every idiotic romantic notion to come my
way...His look returned...
"She's gonna kill you if she sees you there, sir..." Irina sighed...
"She won't listen to anything you plan to say...If you're hoping to
talk her out of killing you..."
Kill us, as in all of us, I should say...
"Of course but I'm just gonna show to bring her over to the portal
then sorta keep outta her way..." reassuringly confident grin... "On
the sidelines...She'll be a little too busy gettin' William out to go
hunting much for me, I'd say..."
"Ah, come on...Haven't some of us, including me, always come
through?...Besides you know I gotta be there..." he went to the
door...Waiting...
Irina standing, watching...Arms folded, sourer look...
"Irina...Are you gonna let yourself miss the greatest romantic finale
in film history?... "
"Yours, sir?..."
"Aw, Irina..."
"Sir, the copters are waiting..." Droog called...
"Yeah...All right, then...Goodbye, Irina...And if I don't make it
back...Save the footage..."
"Yeah...Boss, what are you doing?..." she gasped as he came to her,
embraced and bent her over and kissed her, hard on the lips...The
demon commander and various demon officers about the room blinking at
both...He released her...
"I'll miss you, I..." he patted her shoulder as she stared at him...
"See Cheryl back at the office about filing a harassment form...You
oughta be able to clean up from my estate if Droog here can take human
form on Earth to testify...Droog, see she gets back to Earth ok..."
"Mr. Denham?..." Irina choked out...
"Yes, sir...And I'd be happy to testify on her behalf..." Droog
nodded...
"Make sure you have a good TV feed, guys...Cause this is gonna be
spectacular..." Denham grinned and headed out the door following Ming
the aide...
Irina, hesitating only a moment, hurrying after him...
"She following us?..." he hissed to Ming... "Yes, sir..." "Great..."
he beamed...
***
|
