TITLE: Circles (17)
AUTHOR: Naomi Pardue
GENRE: LKo/AL
RATING: PG-13
TIMELINE: Late S9
DISCLAIMERS: I own the words. They own everything else.
[Authors Note: In this chapter and upcoming ones there will be some
references
to events in Ice. ]
....and she throws her arms around me like a circle 'round the sun ...
(James
Taylor)
Abby searched in the cupboard. Just regular tea, nothing herbal or decaf.
Oh
well, it wasn't like it was going to keep her any *more* awake. She
grabbed the
kettle just before it whistled and poured the tea. She couldn't remember
the
last time she'd gotten a good, full night's sleep. Yes she could. It would
have
been just about two weeks ago. It felt like longer. Much longer.
Carrying her cup over to the couch, Abby reached for the remote. If she
kept
the sound muted, she could watch without waking Luka. There must be
something
worth watching at 1:14 a.m.
The bedroom door opened. Luka looked, Abby thought, exceptionally drawn
and
pale in the half-light.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't." Luka shuffled slowly over to the couch and sat beside her.
"Coffee?"
"Tea."
"Got any more?"
"I can make more." Abby set the mug down and returned to the kitchen to
put on
more water. "Can't sleep either?"
"No."
"Hurting?"
"No, not really. I think I napped too long this afternoon." An obvious
lie. He
looked exhausted. He *should* be sleeping. He picked up Abby's mug and
took a
sip.
"Hey, that's mine!" She smiled at him. .
"Not anymore." He smiled back.
There was a silence while Abby busied herself with making a second cup of
tea,
and Luka leaned back and shut his eyes, warming his hands around his own
cup.
But the silence felt almost comfortable now, companionable, not awkward.
"I need to get a pull-out couch, I think," Luka said.
"Why?"
"I know this isn't a very comfortable place to sleep."
"But how often do you have overnight guests who sleep on the couch? You do
have
a king-sized bed and it's pretty comfortable, if I remember correctly.
"True."
Abby carried her tea over to join Luka. "And the couch is fine. It's
really
very comfortable. I just ... can't sleep."
"Did you sleep well at Susan's?"
"Not really."
"I've been noticing the dark circles. I didn't want to say anything." He
sipped
his tea stared into the cup for a moment. "It's hard."
Abby wasn't sure if it was a statement or question. Wasn't sure what to
say, if
he expected her to say anything. Luka's eyes were closed again. She
waited.
Luka rubbed his thumb over the rim of his cup. After a minute he went on
quietly. "I thought it would be easier than this. I told you that,
remember?"
"Yeah."
"I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. I thought ..." Luka sipped his tea
and
shook his head.
"I think you expect too much of yourself. You're allowed to feel awful,
Luka.
And you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself." God knows I do, she
thought.
"I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I want to get past this."
"You will," Abby said gently. And she knew it was true. People *did* get
past
things like this. She would get past it too. Some day.
Luka just nodded, then opened his eyes again and looked at her for the
first
time in since she'd rejoined him on the couch. He seemed to be searching
her
face for something. Evidence that *she* was getting past it?
"It is hard, Luka. I'm struggling too. I wanted to laugh when you told
Ralene
this afternoon how tough I was. I'm not dealing with it at all well."
"You seem to be holding up ... except for the not sleeping stuff."
"I fake it well," Abby admitted. "I'm good at faking happiness." A smile.
"An
early lesson from my childhood."
"Maybe you'd be doing better though if you didn't have me leaning on you
so
hard. You have your own issues to deal with ... you shouldn't have to be
worrying about me."
"I don't mind. I like taking care of you. I'm a nurse, remember? That's
what I
do. I take care of people." She smiled at him again, put a hand on his
arm.
And, of course, the longer she could focus on Luka and *his* problems, the
longer she could avoid her own, or at least push them into the background.
"I'm glad," Luka said softly. Then he looked away from her again, but
didn't
move her hand from his arm. "You know what's crazy?"
"What?"
"I keep thinking ... not just about what happened to me ... and to you ...
but
I keep thinking about Brian."
"That doesn't sound so crazy. I think about him too."
"No .. not about what he did to us. I keep thinking that he shouldn't have
died
.... that it's somehow my fault."
"It isn't, Luka. He killed himself. You didn't make him do that. But I'm
not
sorry that he did."
"You weren't there when it happened." Short.
"That's true. But when I heard ... I was glad."
"But we'll have a chance to get through this ... move on with our lives.
He
won't."
"It was *his* choice, Luka. He could have chosen to be alive, and in jail.
He
chose to be dead. It wasn't your fault."
"Or maybe," Luka said with a wry smile, "I'm just sorry that I didn't get
to do
it ... after what he did to you."
"So lets just be glad that he saved you the trouble."
Luka nodded again, took Abby's hand from his arm and held it in both of
his. "I
don't know. I just keep replaying it over and over again in my head.
Thinking
that if I'd done something differently ... maybe I could have changed
something. Anything. Helped you ... myself ... even Brian."
"You couldn't. There was nothing you could have done differently." A beat.
"But
you're not the only one. I do it too."
"Do what?"
"Replay it. Try to figure what I could have done differently. Even ...
while it
was happening, I was trying to figure what I'd done ... what I could have
done
to have stopped him. Taken an earlier train, or a later one. He was
waiting in
the hall for me. He couldn't have been there very long. Maybe if I'd
talked to
Ralene a little longer he would have given up and left. Maybe if I'd
screamed
he would have panicked ... run. But I was too scared."
Abby suddenly realized that there were tears in her eyes again. And that
she
was leaning against Luka's shoulder, his arm was around her.
"He had a gun, Abby," Luka said gently. "You did what you had to do."
"I know that. I just ...." She shook her head. She didn't know what more
to
say. Or maybe there just wasn't anything more that needed to be said.
"We make quite a pair," Luka said.
"Yeah ... we do." And the tears spilled over again. Even as she cried,
Abby was
furious with herself. This was wrong. Luka was the one who had really
suffered,
who was *still* suffering. So why should he have to be the one comforting
her?
But she was glad all the same that he was there to comfort her.
"You're going to be ok." Luka's voice was gentle. She felt his breath in
her
hair as he spoke, and felt the soft brush of his lips on the top of her
head.
"I know," she whispered, and nestled closer into his arms.
"And we're going to be ok."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Abby opened her eyes to sunshine through the window. For a moment she was
confused. She should be sleeping on Susan's couch ... But no, she was at
Luka's, on Luka's couch.
She was sleeping sitting up, cramped and uncomfortable. Luka's arms were
still
wrapped securely around her. He was still asleep. As uncomfortable as
*she*
was, Abby knew that he must be even worse off. The awkward position, her
weight
on his chest, must be causing him a lot of pain. But Luka didn't seem to
mind.
He slept quietly. She should wake him up, Abby thought. She should help
him
back to his bed. It was morning, but still very early, just past sun-rise.
She
should wake him, but she didn't have the heart. He looked so calm, and he
needed the sleep.
Abby closed her eyes again and went back to sleep herself.
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