TITIE: Circles (pt. 18)
AUTHOR: Naomi Pardue
GENRE: LKo/AL
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: They own it, I don't.
I can't tell you how I feel, my heart is like a wheel
Let me roll it to you .... (Paul McCartney)
Luka turned over and looked at the clock. Just past midnight. He'd slept
for
almost two hours. And, if this night was anything like the last two (and
there
was no reason to think it wouldn't be), he'd spend about 3 hours lying in
bed
awake before finally drifting off to sleep again. Then he would sleep and
wake
two or three times more before Abby come to wake him for breakfast and he
would
be able to get up..
Abby was awake too. Luka could hear her moving around in the living room,
could
hear the soft murmur of the tv. He could use something to drink, could
stand to
just stretch his legs, but he didn't get up. He wouldn't go into the
living
room. It would only worry Abby, Better for her to think he was sleeping
well --
doing better. Because she was doing the same for him. Lying. Despite the
clear
evidence provided by the deepening circles under her eyes and the sounds
of
footsteps coming through the thin walls at all hours, she assured him
every
morning that she'd slept 'pretty well.'
But Luka knew that if he could hear her, she'd be able to hear him as
well. So
he stayed in bed, stayed quiet. He stared into the darkness and tried to
not
see the images that haunted him, tried to ignore the constant dull pain in
his
chest, tried to not think.
Only once in the three nights since he'd come home had he slept for more
than
about 3 hours at a stretch. He'd wakened at 8:30 that first morning, after
sleeping for a solid 6 hours. Wakened to find himself on the couch and
Abby
trying to slip out of his arms without waking him. He had been
embarrassed, and
so had she. That wasn't something that he had planned to happen. They were
friends now, that was all. Whatever was happening between her and Carter,
she'd
given no indication that she was interested in anything more than
friendship
with him. She was, as she had said so often, just trying to help him. She
had
made it clear, as she had so many times in the past year and a half, that
their
relationship was over. She just wanted to be friends. But, despite her
obvious
unease with the intimacy, she assured him that it was ok. He hadn't done
anything inappropriate, they had just slept. They had both needed the
sleep.
And, though she didn't say it in so many words, they both knew that they
had
both needed the comfort.
Luka had to smile. The comfort he'd been seeking for so many months, from
an
endless succession of women visiting his bed for a night, or a week. Sex
was
supposed to provide comfort ... connection ... intimacy. It hadn't
happened
with any of those women.. All he'd gotten out of those encounters had been
a
few minutes of distraction from his emotional pain and misery, a momentary
physical release ... and then a vague sense of disgust with himself and
with
the woman who had given herself to him so thoughtlessly. And then, with
the
morning, a more intense, almost overwhelming loneliness. A loneliness he
then
tried to forget the next night, with another stranger in his bed. Sex was
meaningless now. The last time it had meant something had been ... well
... the
last time he had slept with Abby.
One hundred sexual encounters had brought him nothing. But a single night
with
Abby, a night spent doing nothing but sleeping ... that had been something
he'd
been needing for a very long time.
But it was something he knew he wouldn't have again. They hadn't talked
much
about it, but Luka knew Abby wouldn't allow it to happen again. If he was
to
venture out of his room in the night, she would make sure that he didn't
fall
asleep on the couch again. That was *her* territory. Luka had his bed, and
Abby
was careful to spend little time in his room. She didn't want him to get
the
wrong idea.
So Luka didn't venture out of his room at night. It would only worry Abby
if
she knew he still wasn't sleeping, and he didn't want to make things
awkward or
uncomfortable between them.
Because, while the nights were rough; far too long, with too much pain and
too
little sleep, the days were much, *much* better. The discomfort of those
first
hours was gone. They got along well. Luka didn't need, quite honestly,
much in
the way of nursing care. He could take care of himself. But Abby was
always
there to provide the little bits of help that he did need. And just having
her
there was nice. Light conversation alternating with comfortable silences.
Luka
had lived alone for so long, he'd almost forgotten what is was like to
have
someone else there. He'd almost forgotten how pleasant it was. While Luka
couldn't help worrying a little about Abby, she was going to get sick
herself
if she didn't start sleeping again; he found that he liked listening to
her
moving around in the other room. Just knowing she was there was a comfort
during the long sleepless hours.
Luka shut his eyes and tried to find a more comfortable position in bed.
He
listened to Abby's footsteps through the wall and tried to fall back to
sleep.
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