TV Shows =BB ER =BB Invisible B s : A A A
Author: NaomiP 1. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45.
Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 7
TITLE: Invisible
AUTHOR: Naomi Pardue
GENRE: LKo/Jane
TIMELINE: mid-S11.
RATING: PG13
DISCLAIMERS: They own it, I don't.
"Jane!" The familiar voice came through the ringing in her ears and the
fog in her brain. She opened her eyes. She was lying on the floor. Luka
looked down at her, worry in his eyes. Why was she on the floor?
She started to sit up, but Luka said quickly, "No, stay where you are
for a minute." He started to shine his penlight in her eyes, but Jane
looked away and shut her eyes.
"I'm fine, Dr. Kovac."
"You fainted, Jane. I assume that isn't something normal for you?" Jane
shook her head. "Then you're not fine." Slipping his arms under her
knees and shoulders, Luka lifted her easily and set her down on the
exam table.
"Where ... where's Raul?" More important, how long had she been
unconscious? Surely no more than a few seconds.
"I moved them to a different room. You needed the bed more than he
did."
"No, I'm fine. Really." She wanted attention from Dr. Kovac, but not
like this. This was just ... embarassing.
"Did you hit your head?"
"What? No ... I don't think so. You saw me fall."
"I don't mean now. I caught you before you hit the floor. When you fell
this morning, outside,did you hit your head?"
"No, I fell on my hands and knees."
Luka was listening to her heart. "Any pain anywhere?"
"Just my knees." Jane sighed. "Look ... it's nothing. I was running
late this morning. I skipped breakfast. Sometimes I get dizzy when I do
that."
Luka frowned. "But you had lunch ..." And Jane felt a rush of heat in
her cheeks, looked away from him. What could she say? She didn't have
to say anything. He knew. "I sent you out to get lunch, Jane. Why
didn't you eat?"
"I didn't have any money. I was in such a rush this morning ..."
"Why didn't you say something?"
"It didn't seem important. I figured I'd eat when I got home."
"You did have dinner last night, right?"
"Yes."
"What did you have?" He wasn't stupid. He could guess what was going
on. There was no point in lying.
"A peanut butter sandwich."
"And ..."
"Some grapes."
"And ..."
Jane could only shake her head again. That was her usual dinner these
days. Toast or cereal for breakfast, peanut butter or ramen noodles for
dinner. No lunch.
Luka sighed. "Ok. Let's get you a lunch tray, and you'll rest in here
for a little while."
"No," Jane said quickly. "That isn't necessary. I feel much better."
She bit her lip. "It's ... embarrassing, Dr. Kovac ..." she added
softly.
"Ok." The warm smile made her feel a little better. He poked his head
out through the door. "Chuny, could you bring Jane a cup of orange
juice?" Jane heard Chuny say yes, then Luka turned back to her. "You'll
drink it, and then we'll go get you something to eat."
"No ..." Jane said again. "Really ..."
"Jane, you can't do your job if you're fainting from hunger. You have
patients depending on you. And I haven't had lunch yet either. Sam's
off today, so if you don't keep me company, I'll be eating alone, which
I hate."
Jane knew he was lying. Any of the doctors or nurses would be thrilled
to eat with him. But she couldn't turn down the chance either.
Chuny had returned with the juice. Jane drank it down slowly, and then
Luka helped her to sit up.
"Feel strong enough to walk?"
"Yeah, I'm fine now." Still, she appreciated Luka's hand on her arm and
back as he helped her down from the table, and supported her until they
were both sure she was steady on her feet.
"Get your coat," he told her. "I'll get mine and meet you at the desk."
"My coat? Aren't we going to the cafeteria?"
A grin. "I trust you've never actually eaten there?" And Jane shook her
head. "If you had, you wouldn't be asking that question. No, we'll go
across the street to Ike's. Unless you think you can't walk so far?"
"I can walk." Then Jane suddenly remembered. "What about Raul? He can't
wait for us to eat."
"Another doctor will look after him."
Jane was waiting at the desk when Luka came out of the doctor's lounge.
"All ready?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Jerry, I'm taking a lunch break. I'll be about an hour."
They walked side by side until they were through the ambulance bay
doors, then once again his hands were holding her arm and supporting
her back as she walked. Jane was grateful for the support, and grateful
for the touch of his hands. She looked up at him, and he smiled at her.
Suddenly, over her shoulder, Jane saw a familiar form coming down the
steps from the el platform. Sam. Sam saw her too, and even from this
distance, Jane saw the shock on her face. For an instant their eyes
met, then Sam turned on her heel and hurried back up the stairs. There
must have been shock in her own face too, because when she looked at
Luka again, he was looking at her, with concern in his eyes again.
"You doing ok?" he asked.
"Yeah, I feel fine. The orange juice helped a lot." All the same, she
was glad when the short journey was over and Luka opened the door to
the restaurant.
She had never been here before. She knew the other med students and
residents sometime came here after work for drinks, but they had never
invited her. Not that she could have accepted, of course. It was warm
and rather dark. Romantic, she thought, though surely that wasn't what
Luka had had in mind.
The waitress showed them to a table and Jane opened her menu.
Luka was buying. That had been unsaid, but obvious. Still, she didn't
want to put him to any real expense. It wouldn't be right. Not yet. And
anything on the menu would be a treat after months of peanut butter and
noodles. She scanned the menu, looking for the least expensive items.
Maybe pancakes. The menu said they served breakfast all day, and
pancakes were cheap and filling, and something she couldn't easily make
for herself in her microwave and electric kettle. She glanced up at
Luka. He was looking at her again, with an expression she couldn't
quite read.
"What looks good to you, Jane?" he asked after a minute.
"I like pancakes."
"Not much protein there," Luka said. "Do you like chili?"
The question startled her. "Yes, but pancakes are really enough for me.
Or maybe a burger."
"They make really good chili here. You'll love it." Luka winked at her,
then closed his menu and turned to the waitress. "I'll have a club
sandwich and a coke. The lady will have a large bowl of chili, a salad
and a large milk."
"What kind of dressing, miss?"
"Ummm... french ..." It was the first thing to pop into her head. How
long had it been since she'd had a salad?
When the waitress had gone, she said sincerely, "Thank you, Dr. Kovac."
She knew this should be making her uncomfortable, the way he was taking
care of her. She wasn't a child. But to her surprise she found herself
liking it. For so long she'd been taking care of other people, taking
care of her patients. How long had it been since anyone had taken care
of her ... even cared about her? It was a nice feeling.
"My pleasure." He smiled again, then said gently, "I guess things are
pretty tight for you right now?" It wasn't really a question.
Jane hesitated. He didn't really need to hear all her problems. He'd
only feel sorry for her, and that was something she didn't want. Then
she sighed. If they were going to be together, she needed to be honest
with him. A relationship based on lies was worthless; he deserved to
know what he was getting into.
"Med school's expensive, you know that. I took out a lot of loans, but
the money's about gone. There isn't much left for groceries these
days." She managed a smile. "But it won't be for much longer. I'll be
graduating in 3 months, and once I'm a resident I'll be earning money."
"Still, if you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of your
patients. You need to be eating more, and eating better."
"It's not like I have much choice, Dr. Kovac. I have less than 1000
dollars left. My room is paid through the end of the school year, but
I'll still need to get myself to where-ever I match, pay a deposit on
an apartment and live until my first check comes in."
"There's nobody who can help you out a little? Your parents?"
Jane shook her head and took a sip of her milk. "No. I'm doing this on
my own."
Luka just nodded, seeming to sense that this was an uncomfortable
subject. "Where did you apply for your residency? Dr. Weaver said you
didn't apply to County."
"University of Georgia Medical Center, Hays Community Hospital in
Kansas, and St. Anne's in Boston. "
"That's quite a range."
Jane shrugged. "It's where the darts hit."
"What?"
A smile. "I threw darts at the list of hospitals. Picked whichever ones
they hit. I figured it didn't really matter where I ended up. I hit a
hospital in Hilo too, but Greyhound doesn't go to Hawaii."
And suddenly a thought struck her. It hadn't mattered. Until this week,
there had been nothing to keep her at County, keep her in Chicago. It
had been just another miserable chapter in her life. But now everything
was changed. And it was too late. Or maybe not. Luka was a wonderful
doctor. Surely he could find work anywhere ... he might come with her.
Even to Kansas.
Luka's voice interrupted her thoughts. "That's one way to do it, I
guess. I've heard good things about St. Anne's. Boston's a nice city
too."
"Where did you do your residency?" Jane asked, eager to move the
subject away from herself again.
"Back home in Croatia. Mostly in a small city called Vukovar."
"I've heard of that. It was mostly destroyed during the war, wasn't it?
Were you there before the war or after?"
"Before ... and during," Luka said quietly. He stirred his coke with
the straw.
"Oh!" Jane said. "That must've been ..." She trailed off. What had she
been about to say? Exciting? Scary? What was it like to practice
medicine in the middle of a war? "It must have been really
challenging," she finally finished lamely. "I'll bet you learned stuff
you might have never had a chance to learn anywhere else."
"That's true," Luka said. "I suppose I did. I'm surprised you've heard
of Vukovar. Few people in America have, and you must have been ... what
..=2E. about 10 at the time?"
"I read a book about it," Jane explained. "When I was in high school. I
used to read a lot."
"But not any more?"
"No time to read. Unless you count school books, but you must know
that. Or was medical school different in Croatia?"
"It was no different, at least not that way," Luka said.
"Were you a good student?"
"Just fair. I was good at the clinical part, and loved it. The books
were more of a challenge for me."
"The opposite of me," Jane said softly.
"You're doing really well, Jane," Luka said. "You gain more confidence
every day. Just a little more time and practice, and you're going to
really shine. I'm sure of it."
At that moment Jane's food arrived, and she was spared having to make a
reply to that.
For a few minutes both of them ate in silence. Jane had never tasted
anything so delicious.
After a bit Luka spoke again. "Where are you from, Jane?"
"Quad Cities. The Iowa side of the river."
"That's not so far away. Do you get home pretty often?"
"No. Haven't been back since I started college. I don't even think of
it as 'home' anymore. I last heard from my mother just about the time I
started medical school."
"What about your father?"
"I don't even remember him. He left when I was 3. Then my mom subjected
me to a string of 4 stepfathers in 15 years, not one of whom I ever
hope to see again. It was never 'home', Dr. Kovac. It was just where I
lived ... where I grew up."
"Sounds like you had it rough," Luka said gently. Jane just nodded,
concentrated on her chili.
"What about you?" she asked after a minute. "Do you have family in the
States?"
"Besides Sam and Alex, you mean?"
Jane was startled. "I didn't think you were married." Surely he wasn't
married ... no ring.
"I'm not. But I still think of them as my family, I guess." Luka looked
away for a moment, then went on. "But no, there's no other family here
except some distant cousins. In Croatia my father is still alive, and I
have a brother."
"No ex-wife?" It was a joke, of course, though Jane was curious. It
seemed amazing to her that a man as attractive and successful as Luka
wasn't married. Perhaps he had been once, and the experience had scared
him away from rushing into marriage again.
A brief smile from Luka, which wasn't sufficient to cover the sudden
pain in his eyes. "I was married in Croatia. They died in the war. My
wife, two young children."
"Oh ..." Damn it. She'd done it again. Tried to be witty and clever,
and had put her foot in her mouth. Made a fool of herself. Maybe ruined
everything. "I ... I'm sorry, Dr. Kovac. I didn't know. If I'd known
..=2E."
"But you didn't. It's ok. It was a long time ago." He smiled again.
But God .. she'd been feeling sorry for herself, thinking she'd had
things hard. But Luka had been through so much worse, so much more.
He'd lived through a war, lost his family, maybe his home. Seen more
tragedy that she would probably ever know.
She had finished her meal. "Ready to head back to work?" Luka asked
her.
"Yes. Thank you again. It was a great lunch. But please don't worry
about me. Most of the time I do get enough to eat, even if it isn't
always especially varied or healthy. I'm doing ok."
"I know you are." Luka signaled the waitress for the check and Jane
cast about for another subject of conversation, since the last one had
been such a train wreck.
"It's rheumatic fever, isn't it?"
"What?" asked Luka.
"Raul. The little boy I examined."
"Probably. Symptoms and history fit, though we'll need to check his
labs to be sure. I hope Dr. Nicholls ordered some labs while we've been
eating."
"I didn't think kids got that any more."
"They usually don't, but we see cases from time to time, especially in
poor and immigrant populations. That's why I wanted you to examine him.
It's not something most med students get a chance to see."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Back in the ER, the rest of the day flew by. Little Raul was admitted
to peds with a diagnosis of rheumatic fever, and Jane saw more
patients, learned more procedures. Unstable angina, a chest tube - her
first, bleeding ulcers, broken bones to set.
The day was over too soon. As Jane headed to her locker for her coat,
Luka said, "Will I see you tomorrow, Jane?"
"No, I don't work tomorrow. I have classes all day. I'll be in
Wednesday though."
"Good. I will be too. I'll see you then." Another warm smile and he
vanished into the lounge.
Jane walked ... no ... floated towards the exit doors. Nobody invited
her to walk with them, nobody else said good-bye, but it didn't matter.
As she walked through the bay she heard one of the residents say, "Hey,
who's that? New med student?" And then Pratt's voice, laughing. "New?
Hell no. That's Jane." And more laughter. "Jane? No way!"
Jane couldn't help laughing herself at the exchange. Surely they all at
least recognized her by now, even if they didn't give a damn about her.
But in her room, Jane glanced in the mirror above her dresser and could
only stare at her reflection in wonder. She had changed. There was
color in her cheeks, her eyes were bright; a the face in the mirror was
smiling. The face in the mirror was - almost - pretty.
Of course she looked different, she told herself. She'd had a good
lunch for the first time in months. That would put color in her face,
light in her eyes. But no, it was something more than that. She was in
love. And more important, someone else loved her. Still walking on air,
Jane put water on for ramen noodles and opened her books to study.
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