From Liberace's Autobiography...
He wrote:
I was the talk of New York City, every night, every day, people came
worldwide to listen to me play the piano, and all was right with the
world until the day SHE came into my life. Just thinking about HER makes
me cringe. She was such a weirdo.
She was Lucy
I had been playing to sold out crowds in New York City when one night
while playing I notice a strange odor. I stopped and had my manager
clear the club, after all I didn't want to take a chance with my guests,
but after everyone cleared out the smell left.
Eventually I learned what it was, a homeless woman was sitting in the
back of the audience every night and frankly didn't smell so good. And
then I found out she wasn't homeless, she was LUCY. But I didn't know it
at that time.
You see in the 50s TV was so pedestrian and no one with any class
watched it much less starred in it, only the low class slums saw Lucy. I
saw this homeless woman and being a proper Christian, I worked at soup
kitchens every Sunday afternoon. I gave her the address and told her she
should go there and get help.
One really can't blame me for mistaken Lucy for a homeless woman. I mean
she was filthy. I don't think she bathed since the depression and she
had open bottles of gin all over her body. She wore a worn out torn
housecoat that looked like the Salvation Army had rejected it.
Was I ever surprised when we found out it was Lucy. Of course I didn't
know who Lucy was. Or what she did. I vaguely recall she was some "C"
class actress in Hollywood. And had some lame ass radio show that got
cancelled after two years. I mean let's face it "Burns and Allen" was on
Radio for 25 years. "Jack Benny Show," even longer. THOSE were radio
shows.
But no matter how I tried to help this homeless woman she wouldn't stop
stinking up my shows. I asked my manager how she was getting in and he
told me it was Lucy and she was buying a ticket.
But why I thought? So my manager arranged a face-to-face meeting with
Lucy. He warned me that she was pure evil and even more so stank and to
be careful. "Bitch Ball," as he called her, was the worst actress in
Hollywood.
"Oh go on," I said to my manager "You make her sound like Stalin." He
told me she gave Stalin lessons, as she was a Communist too. Now that
really pissed me off. It's one thing not to be able to afford soap but
to it IS better to be DEAD than RED.
My show ended at 11:30pm and of course by the time all the fans stopped
cheering for me to play some more and to do second and third and fourth
and even FIFTH encores, I finally got around to meeting with Lucy at her
hotel apartment.
God did she smell. I mean I have seen dead bodies floating in the water
on the East River for months that didn't reek that bad. I don't think
she ever bathed.
I sat next to Lucy and introduced myself. She was sitting at a table
smoking TWO cigarettes, out of the corner of her mouth dripped tobacco
chaw, she was chewing, she had liquor bottles strewn all over the table
and beer cans crushed by her fat elephant legs beneath the tables. How
anyone could drink that much and live, well I don't know.
"I want you to fuck me," said Lucy. Now this took me aback. I was a good
Christian Catholic boy from Poland and I didn't use such words and now I
was going to have to go to confession and tell the priest I heard a bad
word.
Thank goodness I knew how to treat mentally deranged people. I got that
skill from working at the Christian Coalition for Homeless People. I had
studied up on Lucy's background. I thought she would come to me wanting
help for her alcoholism, not for sex. I was a virgin for goodness's
sake.
"Come on Libby baby," said the drunken Lucy, "I want your cock up my
clit, cause your cute."
"Oh no, Lucille," I said, "and please refrain from the vulgar language
in my presence." I explained that I couldn't have sex with a woman
outside of marriage, but Lucy persisted and frankly her stank was making
me retch so I had to find a way out.
"Lucy," I said, "I'm a Christian and we don't condone adultery and
you're married."
"No I ain't" said Lucy. She explained to me she got a divorce in 1940
from Desi and after "I Love Lucy," became a hit CBS to protect
themselves made up some dumbass lie that since she and Desi did the
"deed" before the divorce was final it nullified the whole thing. Now
that is ridiculous, that wouldn't stop a divorce. But it was the 50s and
people were gullible.
I explained to Lucy that I was a Christian and therefore there was no
divorce and she would have to accept that as a fact. Lucy said that it
was "OK," cause she gave me permission. I didn't know what she meant.
But I figured she was deranged or something.
"But Lucy," I said trying to think of another reason, "What about your
two kids."
"I don't have any kids," replied the Lucy downing YET another beer. And
lighting another cigarette with the nearly burned out butt of the one
she was finishing smoking.
Lucy went on to say that she had had 13 abortions and when she got
pregnant she had to have a cesarean section, therefore she was put out
for the surgery and she was certain that Desi and the hospital swapped
kids because the two kids she had were ugly, fat and untalented. "Just
like their father," Lucy added.
Now I couldn't believe this cow. Denying her own children. But she again
was making kissy faces at me an insisting that I have sexual intercourse
with her.
"Look Miss Ball," I said, "I want to go to heaven." Lucy interrupted and
said, "I said you could get in."
I didn't know what she meant but just then I saw a bible sitting on the
table not too far from me. I was glad of this, at least Lucy had SOME
hope I thought, I mean after all she had a bible right? Wrong!!!
I took the bible and went over to Lucy prepared to open it and show her
why sex outside of marriage and outside of use to conceive, was simply a
sin before the eyes of our lord. So I opened the book and on the first
page I saw I almost had a heart attack it said, "In the beginning LUCY
created the heaven and the earth."
"What!!!" I yelled. I couldn't believe it. I scanned thru her bible and
that stupid bitch had crossed out the word GOD and wrote in Lucy. That's
right Lucy thought she was GOD. Well this was too much,
"You ain't Jesus you stupid bitch," I yelled.
Suddenly out of the bedroom sprang forth a hideous old crone of a woman.
Now I'm not saying she did drugs but she certainly LOOKED LIKE someone
who had shot up too much heroine. She yelled at me "Lucy's not a bitch,
she just thinks she's GOD." Then she ran away.
I later learned this old hag was Irma Kusely. She was a former ho' who
was so bad at it even Desi Arnaz wouldn't have her. She followed Lucy
around sucking up to her and Lucy let her do her wigs.
I had enough of this I told "Bitch Ball," that she would go straight to
hell for her blasphemy and I rushed out of the hotel apartment.
The next day I did my show and "Bitch Ball" was back. I could smell the
filthy bitch and my show didn't even last the whole time as so many
people got out and left. I walked up to the grungy Lucy who was smoking
a cigarette and in between puffs was throwing back entire bottles of
gin. "Get the hell out of here, you cow," I said to Lucy.
Lucy then told me that if I didn't have sex with her RIGHT there and
then she'd ruin me. I told her "I'd rather go to heaven than sleep with
a dirty fat communist pig." This seemed to get Lucy off my back as she
waddled her enormous ass out of the club.
The next days seemed to go better. We had to fumigate the club
continuously for three weeks to get rid of Lucy's stench but it worked.
Then one day the room went dark. I asked the club owners what happened.
They said the new owner of the club had shut the power off. I figured as
much. The new owner was Lucy. That bitch said she'd ruin me but I was
ready for her. She thought stopping the electricity would put my show
out of business but that stupid cow and no match for me. I simply went
out to the drug store and bought candelabra for me and candles for the
clubs guests and played by candlelight. It was a massive hit. I was even
more popular than before.
This must've enraged the obese Lucy even more; for once again the idiot
was a loser. One night after playing a stranger tapped me on the
shoulder. It was a foreigner. It turned out to be Desi Arnaz.
He tried to communicate with me but his broken English was horrible. "I
hears you sexy Lucy up," he said. "Oh no sir," I replied respectfully to
this immigrant, "I would never have an affair with a married woman."
"You better," said Desi, "Or else the stupid bitch want it wit me."
That's right even Desi didn't want his own wife. He told me how awful
Lucy treated him and then he asked me if he could borrow five dollars.
Apparently Lucy only paid him in centavos some third world currency that
barely gave him anything to live on. I gave him the five dollars and he
said, "No dis is nit white. I cans nit burrow munny, use gib it me
outright." And then the signaled for 4 clappy looking woman to come over
and he said he had enough to pay for them all. Apparently Desi only
spend $1.25 on each hooker.
Right after Desi left, I had the final straw. I was walking home when
suddenly out right in the middle of Fifth Avenue in New York City,
"Bitch Ball" lurched forward out of the darkness. "I got to have you,"
screamed the hideous bitch. And she dropped her skirt exposing her
crusted over, fish smelling twat.
That's right Lucille Ball was exposing herself right there in the middle
of Fifth Avenue in New York City.
Of course one look at "Bitch Ball's" twat and I instantly turned gay.
That's right Lucy made me a homosexual.
I immediately ran home sobbing all the way home. I then was determined
to get out of NYC and I moved my entire act to Las Vegas. Of course
"Bitch Ball" was furious with the fact that she could never possess me
as a sexual partner. And I was equally mad that now since she turned me
gay, I would no longer go to heaven.
"Bitch Ball" continued her crusade. She had her friends Hedda Hopper and
Louella Parsons write in their gossip columns that I was a pervert
homosexual, in order to ruin me. Of course no one believed those gossipy
old shrews and I was big about it. But when she bought the rag, The
Daily Mirror and ordered them to publish a story about me being a
perverted homosexual, well that was too much. I sued the rag and of
course won.
You see; I learned that while GOD hates homosexuality, he doesn't hate
homos so long as you don't DO anything about being a faggot. So even
though now I was gay, I never had sex with a man, because that would be
wrong and stop me from going to heaven.
After that I thought "Bitch Ball," would let up and for a while it
seemed she didn't but that was not to be the last I heard from the
perverted Lucille Ball.
Well I had enough of this. I told my manager I was getting out of NYC
and away from the harassment of "Bitch Ball."
But just as I left I got a letter from the evil Lucy swearing vengeance
upon me. She said she wouldn't rest until she saw me lying face up in a
grave.
That's right Lucy swore death upon me Liberace, America's favorite fun
loving entertainer.
Well this was the 50s and years went by and all was fine with my life
until one day in 1970. I was having a pleasant day reading my bible
trying to see if there was anyway I could convert back to being normal
after Bitch Ball had turned me gay, when I heard a knock on my door I
went to answer it. It was a Jewish guy. Right away I was excited, as I
didn't see many Jews. I figured he probably wanted to apologize to me on
behalf of the Jews for killing Jesus.
But it wasn't to be. He said "Hi I am here to have you appear on my
wife's show."
"Who?" I asked. He answered "The funniest lady on CBS. "Oh I said,"
"Nice to meet you Mr. Hamilton, how's your wife Carol." He said "I'm not
Joe Hamilton, I guess I should have said star of the funniest SITCOM on
TV." "Oh Ok, now I know who you are, you're Grant Tinker."
"No I'm not Mary Tyler Moore's husband," he said. Well I couldn't figure
out who he was until he finally said he was "Gary Morton." "The guy who
makes salt?" I asked. "No, he said, "I am the husband of Lucy Ball." I
should've guessed from the residual stink on his clothed. "Oh nice to
meet you," I lied, "I haven't seen Lucy since the 50s. Has your wife
bathed yet?"
"Ha ha ha," laughed Gary, but I wasn't kidding. He said that as part of
the court settlement where I had proven Lucy and her rag newspaper The
Daily Mirror to be a butt ass liars. It said that she would give me
money and admit they were liars, but I had to go on Lucy's show. Now I
don't remember agreeing to that, but he did have the agreement. "Damn,"
I thought, there had to be a way out, but Bitch Ball had her lawyers
lock me in.
You see the "Here's Lucy," show was doing so bad in the ratings that
Bitch Ball had to bring in guest stars. Of course no one in Hollywood or
anywhere wanted to work with the maniacal bitch. Thus she had to resort
to forcing people to work with her. But of course being good and
Christian I decided to honor my commitment.
Never having had watched the "Here's Lucy," show; I mean who did, I got
a couple of old shows and looked at them. Not funny at all. I thought,
how bad it's going to be. I arrived a week later at the studio and was
not looking forward to this. No matter how bad I thought it would be it
was worse.
No sooner did I step foot onto the lot when Desi Arnaz Jr. ran over to
me and asked it I could buy him drugs.
"Young man," I said, "I do not use nor approve of drugs or liquor or
even cigarettes."
"Fuck you faggot," said the very rude Desi Arnaz Jr. and he ran off.
I turned around and found myself face to face with Desi Arnaz Sr. "Oh Hi
Mr. Arnaz." Even though I met Mr. Arnaz years ago, he remembered me. "Am
you be to fuck bitch Lucy," he said in broken English. "I so hungee, can
I's a burrow fif daller."
I shrugged he never paid me back from the other five dollars he borrowed
from me and now he wanted another five dollars. So just to get rid of
him I gave him five dollars which he prompt spent of 4 clappy looking
woman waiting for him a on the other end of the studio. Nice to see in
15 years the price of Desi Sr.'s hookers didn't go up.
Well I started to walk away when another member of the Arnaz clan
accosted me. It was Lucie Arnaz Jr.. She ran over to me, dropped to her
knees and yelled, "Please let me be in the show,"
"You are in the show," I said. She stood up and looked at me and said,
"Not this piece of shit show, I want to be in a good show like yours."
"Well what do you do?" I asked.
"I'm Lucy's daughter," she replied.
"No, I said, "what is your talent?"
"Lucy's my mother," she stated.
Obviously she thought simply being Bitch Ball's kid was talent enough.
"No what can you do?" I asked again
"My mommy thinks I am the "boot-if-full-la-la-la-la-la-list" That is
right
she actually said "boot-if-full-la-la-la-la-la-list" instead of
beautifulest.
All of a sudden from across the studio came a loud scream "LIAR," said
the hideous fat person who started running toward Lucie Arnaz Jr..
"Eeeeeeee," cried Lucie Arnaz Jr. and she ran away. The obese person was
now in close view, swinging her purse and cussing. I saw it was "Bitch
Ball." She stopped in front of me and raised her hand in a fist and
yelled at Lucie Arnaz Jr., "You'd better run you liar, you no talent
piece of shit."
Then she looked at me, pointed to herself and said to no one in
particular "Stick with the money."
The she took a fifth of gin out of her torn housecoat gulp the whole
bottle down and fell ass backwards and passed out. "Oh lord help me," I
said in a small prayer to Jesus.
Gary Morton then came over to me and looked at his wife. "How long has
she been passed out." "Just a minute," I said. "Good," he replied and he
bent over took money out of her purse and handed me the script, "Learn
this and come back in two days." Then he gave me an evil look and said,
"You never saw that." Referring to the mooching Gary's stealing money
from his wife's pocketbook.
A couple of days later I was in the production room with the cast and
the writers. We were sitting around waiting for that awful smelling
bitch Lucy to show up.
Finally 3 hours late the door swung open, an unbelievable stench filled
the room and "Bitch Ball" entered.
She pulled up two chairs to contain her enormous ass, and started to
pass flatulence. Could it get worse?
I stated to the producer "Jack Baker" that the script was ridiculous. I
mean was the character of Craig so fucked up that his mother would
instantly believe that Craig stole something. "Bitch Ball," stood up and
screamed, "Well that kid's a fuckin' druggie and half Mexican, you know
how them damn illegals are always stealing shit."
This made no sense. First of all Desi Arnaz Jr. was a druggie but Craig
the character he played wasn't. Second of Desi Arnaz Jr. was a citizen
and thirdly his heritage was Cuban not Mexican. I later learned that
Lucy, being a Communist always tried to cover up the Cuban heritage by
claiming that Desi Sr. was a Mexican.
What a dumbass she was.
Then all of a sudden "Bitch Ball," stood up and yelled, "Where's that
damn Nigress."
God what a racist Lucy was.
The door popped open and in ran a real "Oreo Cookie" of an African
American woman. "I's a-comin' Ms. Looo-Zee." She said Lucy but
pronounced it as "Loo-Zee"
Lucy stood up, bent over the table and hiked her torn housecoat up and
exposed herself. This time was different, she wasn't naked, like the
time she turned me gay, she was wearing a DIAPER.
Yes that is right, Lucille Ball was wearing a diaper. I was
flabbergasted. I thought maybe she was incontinent, but it turns out
"Bitch Ball" was just too damn lazy to use a toilet.
So the African American woman named, "Willie Mae," started to change
Lucy's diaper. "Now turn your all heads fellas, so you don't turn to no
sissy man," she instructed the men.
After the meeting which basically consisted of Lucy cussing people out
and her putting gin in her coffee, she came up to me and want to know if
I wanted to tongue kiss her. She said she still wanted me bad. I told
her that I would never have sex with her. "What's a matter Libby," she
said, "Are you still a perverted homo?"
I was taken aback. "First of all," I said, "That ain't my name bitch."
Suddenly out of nowhere sprung forth Irma who ran over to me and said
"Lucy's not a bitch, she thinks she far to important to take the time to
learn anyone's name." Then she ran off.
Then Lucy said since I was still a gay that she wanted me and her son
Desi Arnaz Jr. to make perverted homo porn. How awful was that, not only
was Lucy an adulteress and a stinking bitch but now she wanted to
sacrifice her son to the devil.
"No," I screamed. "That is horrible." While I still was gay, I never had
sex with a man or even touched one. I told her, God doesn't mind if
you're gay, IF and ONLY IF, you don't do anything about it. But once you
even touch a man if you're a gay you go to hell, and I had every
intention of going to heaven.
Lucy said she'd just have to work it in the script. I just left. I
couldn't think of anything as bad as inhaling the fumes from Lucy's
stink any longer.
Then came the night of the shooting. I was so nervous, Lucy had been
drunk the whole week and the night of the shooting of the show was no
different.
There sat Lucy in a bra and diaper, her big hirsute beer belly sticking
out. She was smoking cigarette after cigarette while popping back a
fifth of gin and God know how many six-packs, there were empty beer cans
all around her. She was dripping tobacco juice from the wad of chaw she
had in her toothless mouth.
I stood next to Lucie Arnaz Jr. as I peaked out of the curtain to watch
Gary Morton "warming up," the audience by telling them lame ass jokes.
"Why did the chicken cross the road," he said
A little old lady in the front row, stood on her chair and said,
"Because Lucy was trying to molest it."
The audience laughed,
"That's wrong," said Gary.
"No it isn't," said the little old lady, "Lucy's a bitch."
"Take that back," screamed Gary at the little old lady.
"I won't," replied the little old lady, "The world has a right to know,
my daughter Lucy is a bitch."
That's right the little old lady was DeeDee, Lucy's mother.
"I'll fix you," yelled Gary as he ran down to DeeDee and clotheslined
her across her throat. DeeDee fell down as Gary tried to beat her. But
actually, embarrassing as it was for Gary, the little old lady was not
having much trouble taking on Gary.
"I got to help her," I said.
Lucie Arnaz Jr. looked at me and said, "If you interfere you'll never
work in this town again."
"I don't work in this town," I said, "And even if I did, being a good
Christian I wouldn't allow some Jew to beat on a little old Christian
lady."
Suddenly I was pushed aside by "Bitch Ball," who ran past me. "Shut up
you little shit," she screamed. Her hippopotamus sized legs chaffed as
she ran, down to Gary and DeeDee.
Gary, who was now losing the fight to DeeDee, said "Help me, Lucy."
Lucy jumped, as much as a hippo could, and fell on DeeDee. Gary then
held DeeDee's hands behind her back while Lucy gut punched her mother
tiny 90 pound mother.
I raced down to help DeeDee "Leave her alone you stupid Bitch," I
yelled.
Suddenly down the aisle came Irma screaming, "Lucy's not a bitch, she
just likes to physically abuse her tiny, weak aging mother."
Lucy turned to me and said, "If you'll fuck me handsome I'll stop."
"Why don't you fuck your husband," I said
"Because he's only 1 1/2 inches erect, said Lucy.
Suddenly the fighting stopped and the audience ROARED with laughter.
DeeDee and Lucy stopped fighting and coupled over with laughter, as Gary
turned red, and ran off crying ashamed that, where it counted, he was
"less than a man."
With that over I thought it couldn't get any worse, but it did. Lucy was
so drunk it took take after take after take to get the stupid bitch to
remember her lines.
Then I noticed "Bitch Ball" had changed the script a bit so that at the
end I had to "fondle" Craig's lapel and tell him how "handsome" he was.
"No," I told that stupid bitch, "You don't fool me any, that is your
subtle way of working homosexual overtones into the show. I refuse to do
that.
Lucy looked at me, through her drunkenness and said "Why what ever do
you mean 'HotsieTotsie Liberace'."
I looked at her and screamed, "That ain't my name you perverted drunken
wrinkled up fat old bitch."
Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder, again it was Irma who said "Lucy's
not a bitch, she just wants to have perverted kinky sex with you or have
you have sex with her son so she can sell it to perverts and funnel the
ill gotten money to her Communist buddies, the Viet Cong, so they can
kill many more of our brave American young men.
Then all of a sudden Lucy pulled out a very sharp hypodermic needle and
say "I'm sick of you faggot, DIE." and she plunged the needle into my
buttock.
"Ow!!!," I yelled and I fell toward Desi Arnaz Jr. who broke my fall.
"Ha, ha gay boy," said Lucy, You touched a boy and you're a fag, now you
officially are gay.
Then the evil bitch laughed and ran off the stage.
Lucy had filmed the whole bit where she pushed me after sticking me with
a needle and I fell on Desi Arnaz Jr. and grabbed his lapel to steady
myself. Then of course the pervert bitch dubbed in my line saying how
"Handsome" Desi Arnaz Jr. was. This was so she could sell it to the
millions of perverted gay people wanting to see any man to man contact,
and Lucy's best buds at NAMBLA who loved to see an extremely handsome
man like me and a young boy.
What a sick twisted weirdo Lucille Ball was.
After I got home that night I felt sick. I figured that it must've been
from inhaling the toxic fumes produced by "Bitch Ball."
After all no one could stink as bad as Lucy smelled. She must've been
mixing toxic chemicals. Later I learned I was wrong. I spent the next
two weeks with the worst flu I had ever had. But then I felt good again.
Till about 15 years later. I got sick again. Not a normal flu but sick.
I got better than I got ill again. I didn't know what it was.
Till one day the press ran a story about how I had been sick. I got a
call; I could tell instantly by the raspy voice that it was "Bitch
Ball."
You only got a deep raspy voice from too much booze, too many cigarettes
and too much chaw.
"Well, well, Libby baby" she said, "You got what you deserved." HA HA HA
HA HA HA," laughed the evil bitch.
"Shut up you stupid bitch," I said and I slammed the phone down.
Suddenly my doorbell rang. I went to the front door and it was Irma, yet
again, she said, "Lucy's not a bitch she just decided that since you
wouldn't submit to her perverted behavior that she'd give you the AIDS."
And Irma ran off.
Then it dawned on me. The needle Lucy stuck me with. That is what did
it. I had a test and sure enough I had the AIDS.
Of course I had never done intervenous drugs or had sex with a man so I
knew instantly that it was "Bitch Ball," who gave me the AIDS.
That is right Lucy invented AIDS.
Along with her Communist buddies she had developed the AIDS to bring
America to its knees. You can see why the AIDS is so big in Africa.
Because Lucille Ball is a racist so she started it there.
So it was true. Lucy said she'd see me dead and she did, all because I
wouldn't have perverted sex with her.
Of course, even though I was a gay, I realized that God would love me,
since I didn't have sex with a man, and I'd go to Heaven so I wasn't
afraid of dying.
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