It will explode within 6 months! 'Thousands of lunar fragments will smash
into Earth'
By DICK SIEGEL
AUSTIN BRIGGS AIR FORCE BASE, Texas -- Ever since the world learned that
extraterrestrials are
using the moon as a garbage dump (Weekly World News, June 27), scientists
and the military have
been on top-secret high alert.
"We've been monitoring the lunar body for signs of instability, toxins and
increased geologic
activity," said General Eddie Burroughs, USAF, in charge of lunar
surveillance. "Unfortunately,
Project Extreme Watchfulness has found all three. Early last week we saw a
garbage scow --
apparently of Martian origin -- make one final deposit in Clavius Crater
and then speed away. Our
Photon Emissions Watchers detected a corrosive, highly fissionable deposit
on the moon -- one that
will trigger a complete lunar meltdown in six months!
"For those readers who aren't scientists, this is a whole lot worse than a
lunar eclipse," General
Burroughs said helpfully. NASA physicist Dr. Tark Stasis agreed. "Unless
we act on the PEW landfill
findings, the moon is doomed," he said. "The alien waste is a deadly
amalgam of U-238, plutonium
and a super heavy new element we've called black monolithium. This
compound has been dissolving its
way to the lunar core, like hydrofluoric acid eating through a goose. Not
that I've ever tried
that, ya know," he added quickly. "The truth the government doesn't want
people to know is this:
Unless the process is halted, the moon's solid core will melt, gas will
build up and the moon will
pop in about six months." What does that mean for life on Earth?
"Well," Dr. Stasis said, "apart from messing up the tides big-time and
ending moonlight make-out
sessions, thousands of lunar fragments the size of sanitation trucks will
smash into Earth. Think
of what just one giant meteor did to the dinosaurs, striking the Earth and
kicking up enough dust
to block the sun for years. This will kill every living thing on the
planet. In fact, it will
re-kill everything that's already dead, that's how devastating it will
be."
"We've attempted to contact the aliens without success," Burroughs told
us. "Maybe they've turned
off the listening devices -- payback for all the soap operas, game shows
and
a.. Miami Vice broadcasts that have gone into space over the years."
General Burroughs turned a
whiter shade of pale. "We've tried signaling them with lasers, giant white
flags, even big rubber
hands with extended 'We're Number One' fingers. No response. Hell, right
now I'd settle for a cow
with good pair of hind legs to jump over the moon and get their
attention."
However, Dr. Stasis said that all is not lost. NASA scientists are working
with the famed
Miskatonic Institute of Technology on a possible solution.
"We can't stop the acid but we may be able to contain the explosive lunar
core," MIT's Dr. Roger
Debris explained. "In analyzing the cathartic frequencies emanating from
the moon, we've determined
that by using a space-based prism to reverse the polarity of ordinary
photons we can transmute the
light of the silvery moon into common lead. That will create a shield
inside the acid tunnel --
like Pepto-Bismol coating your upset stomach. With luck, the lead lining
will keep the moon from
bursting.
"Of course, because of that tunnel the moon may simply fall apart like the
halves of an orange,"
Dr. Debris admitted. "But it's better to have two smaller moons than no
moon and an Earth that
looks like Swiss cheese."
"I have confidence in our scientists to lick this problem," General
Burroughs remarked. "But we'll
have to face our own hazardous waste issue someday. While NASA is busy
saving our skins, I hope
they're also looking for some alien moon where we can leave our own
nuclear junk."
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/politics/61696
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