CONTINUED from part 1
>
> And then, alas, the Council.
Tom: Alas, poor Council! I knew it well.
>
> Boromir was raving about using the Ring as a weapon,
Crow: [Boromir, swishy] I tell you, that ring is to *die* for!
Joel: Literally.
> holding Elronds
> steady gaze with all the pride and passion of the old Numenorean
> Kings,
Crow: Elrond's not looking terribly masculine, either.
> showing so much more guts
Tom: --Than he will when he becomes the human pincushion? I doubt that
seriously.
> towards this elven warrior who had
> fought next to Elendil and Gil-Galad at the slopes of Mount Doom,
Joel: Drizzt?
Tom: And lo, the Keebler elf did boldly step forth.
> so
> much more conviction and purpose than I had ever been able to gather
> under Elronds ever slightly disapproving gaze.
Tom: [Aragorn] I mean, elves are CREEPY, with those pointy ears and
all!
>
> I enjoyed watching him, then.
Joel: [narrator] But I got over it.
>
> I admired the way he spoke so much that I almost overlooked the fact
> that
Joel: --He was Boromir?
> though his speech was more than eloquent and convincing, what he
> actually proposed would lead us into sure defeat.
Crow: He talks the talk, but fails to walk the walk.
>
> Shocked by the fact that my personal weaknesses were able to cloud my
> mind so thoroughly,
Joel: Yeah, 'cause *that* never happens.
> I was careless enough to voice my disapproval.
All: D'oh!
Tom: [Aragorn/Homer Simpson] Did I say that, or did I think it?
>
> It did stop Boromir raving only for a mere second.
Crow: Bonking him on the head with Gimli's axe worked better.
> Then the broad
> Gondorian
Crow: Gondorian Broad?
> prince turned to me with all intensity,
Joel: [Aragorn] And plunged his blade deep into my chest!
> asking spitefully
> what a mere ranger might know about such matters.
Tom: [newscaster] Talks at the Ring Summit broke down today in class-
based fighting....
> His reaction was not
> unexpected, and I was relieved that now it would be my turn to speak
> and inspire.
Crow: Hallelujah!
Tom: Glory Be!!
Joel: Ayyy-men!
>
> But unexpectedly and unfortunately, it was my friend Legolas who
> raised his voice before me.
Crow: [Legolas] Boromir, are you available Friday night, say, around
eight?
>
> "This", he said, "is no mere Ranger.
Tom: [Legolas] He's SUPER-RANGER!
> His name is Aragorn, son of
> Arathorn."
Joel: Thanks for telling us who he is, several pages in!
>
> And with speaking for me, he clearly showed Boromir that even in the
> eyes of a friend of mine, I was not able to fight for myself, not even
> with words.
Crow: He's a word-wuss.
Tom: A prose-pussy.
Joel: A composition-coward.
>
> "He is Elendils heir, and you owe him your allegiance."
Joel: [Legolas] And your union dues. Pay up.
>
> Legolas, friend of many summers,
Tom: Legolas is just a fair-weather friend.
Joel: Did Aragorn go all native on us, or is it just me?
> I know you meant well, trying to rid
> me of an
Crow: Annoying Boromir?
> introduction you deemed below my status. But unwillingly, you
> took away my
Tom: [Aragorn] Fragile masculinity! Curse you, Legolas! [weeps]
> chance for action, and all that was left for me was to
> sit, smile, and nod.
Tom: [Aragorn] Der...
Joel: Kind of like what we've been doing for the past few years.
>
> "Elendils heir?" Boromir pressed out
Tom: Passed out? Here we go again...
> after a moment of stunned silence.
Joel: Once again, ol' Boromir's not too quick on the uptake.
>
> Full of spite he looked at me, full of spite I did neither deserve nor
> wanted,
Tom: [hick Aragorn] I shore did neither!
Crow: Gondor must be in the deep, backwoodsy south.
> surely not from a man all I desired of was friendship and
Crow: ...a quickie, and...
> maybe a reciprocation of the admiration a felt for him.
>
> "Gondor has no king",
Crow: [Boromir, camp] It has a *queen*, thweetie!
> Boromir said lowly,
Tom: First he's regal, and now he's humble. Which is it?
> an unveiled threat in his
> eyes.
Joel: Good--Boromir would look awful in a veil.
>
> And then, with indisputable finality he added:
Tom: [Boromir] Especially not after I kill you.
> "Gondor needs no
> king."
Joel: [Boromir] It needs SPIDERMAN!
> and sat down.
>
> That very moment, it took me all my strength of will not to stand up
Tom: [Aragorn] And run far, far away.
Joel: Made his saving throw, then! Good.
> and beat his arrogant face to mush in the middle of the council, right
> under the ever disapproving gaze of Elrond.
Joel: [Elrond] Never forget, I'm better than you.
Crow: Aragorn seems to have this paranoia about Elrond, eh?
>
> I was not inferior to him, not in any way.
Tom: [Aragorn] Just because my family didn't bake delicious cookies...
Joel: I think he means Boromir.
> I did not choose the
> occupations and failures of my ancestors
Tom: That would be a little tough, unless you've got a time-travel
spell.
> and above all, I did not
> deserve that spite he flung at me so balefully.
Joel: Better watch out when the spite hits the fan...
> I desired his
> friendship and his trust, and was willing to go a long way to gain
> them,
Crow: Just wait until you see how long...
Joel: Can it, Crow!
> but therefore his glaring rejection only hurt all the worse.
Tom: [Aragorn] Perhaps it was his laser-beam eyes, burning into my
flesh.
>
> The council went on,
Crow: [Aragorn] ...and on, and on--gods, will it never end?!
> and with much struggle and useless dispute
Joel: Sounds like a Board of Directors meeting.
> it was
> decided to destroy the Ring, to carry it into Mordor and bring it to
> the place of its forging to destroy it forever.
Tom: As opposed to destroying it just for a minute or two?
>
> It was the halfling Frodo who, while all the other heroes of the free
> people still bickered among themselves, decided to take on the burden
> and try the impossible.
Tom: He attempted to interrupt Boromir?
> He is a valiant chap, true-hearted and
> fearless
Crow: [Aragorn] And so very, very cute, with his cupid-bow lips and
big, blue...er, but I get ahead of myself...
> if need be, and I knew then and still know that he was one of
> the people I had pledged to serve and protect
Joel: [Aragorn] When I joined Middle Earth's Finest!
> by either live or death.
>
> Joining his side
Tom: They're becoming Siamese Twins.
> and pledging my loyalty was natural and came to me
> like breathing, and it filled me with pride to see Gimli and Legolas
Crow: [Aragorn] Run off into the woods together, arm-in-arm.
> come up and stand for their races.
Joel: [sings] Stand by your--race...
>
> But also Boromir stood up and offered to join, leading the company to
Tom: Certain doom?
Crow: Untimely demise?
Joel: Subway?
[The bots glare at him.]
Joel: What? All this talk of sandwiches is making me hungry.
> his home first and then to wherever necessary.
Crow: Isn't that sweet? Boromir's having them all over for dinner!
>
> I was glad, for one, for his sword and shield surely would be in high
> demand on our journey
Crow: I'll bet his "sword" will be in demand...
> and I looked forward to spend some more time
> with him and so might be given chance to build up the trust and
> friendship I hoped for.
Tom: Maybe he'll let you pet him if you let him sniff your hand first,
Aragorn.
Crow: ...I could, but I just will not go there...
Joel: I'm sure we'll get there soon enough.
>
> Yet the gaze Boromir fixed me with
Tom: Doesn't Boromir realize Aragorn's no good to him "fixed"?
> while offering his aid was a clear
> challenge to me, doubting my motives and my abilities for such pivotal
> a task, as well as the overall idea of our quest.
Joel: Wait--so now Boromir doesn't even want to go?!
>
> I hated him for his stubbornness
Joel: As do we all, Aragorn. As do we all.
> and unnecessary spite, for the fact
> that the company needed him and the fact that I longed for his
> acceptance.
Crow: [Aragorn] ...and beer. I long for REALLY good beer.
Tom: Joel, why on Earth would Aragorn long for Boromir's acceptance?
He's a complete jerk.
Joel: Apparently Aragorn has extremely low self-esteem.
>
> So once again, I only smiled and nodded and welcomed him into the
> Fellowship of the Ring.
Tom: [Aragorn] Der...good Boromir...der...
>
> And hated his guts for tearing me apart.
Crow: [Aragorn] No, wait, those are *my* guts! Eww!
>
> *
Joel: [sings] Good morning, Starshine/The earth says hellooooo...
>
> The following weeks our company set out along the foothills of the
> Misty Mountains, trying to reach the Gap of Rohan before it would be
> closed by our enemies.
Tom: It's a going-out-of-business sale at The Gap of Rohan.
Crow: Boromir wants new cargo pants!
> Spending every day in close company with
> Boromir, I began to observe
Joel: [Aragorn] ...that he had the worst personal hygiene of anyone I'd
ever met.
Tom: Like Mr. I-never-bathe-out-in-the-woods has any reason to talk.
> him more closely, in a vain attempt to
> unravel the thoughts behind that face that had put my innermost self
> into such a turmoil.
Crow: That's a short thread, Aragorn.
>
> It must have been the day we later on would decide to take a try on
> the pass of Caradhras,
Crow: They're making a pass at Caradhras? Must be an impressive peak.
Joel: Shut up, Crow.
> when my observation finally bore fruit, though
> be it most unexpected ones.
Tom: His observation bore kiwi.
>
> We had stopped on a stony hilltop for our midday meal and some rest,
> when Boromir started to give some sword-lessons to Merry and Pip,
Joel: The little English boy from "South Park"? What's he doing here?
> as
> he had done regularly for the last days after he had learned that none
> of the halflings had ever wielded a blade.
Tom: [Merry] At least, that's what we like you huge, easy-to-hit guys
to THINK...
Crow: Is anyone else disturbed by that whole passage, or is it just me?
> I sat nearby, watching the
> three attacking, parading
Tom: So they're all marching in formation up there? Is he showing the
hobbits how to goose-step by the grandstand?
> and counterattacking playfully, so much like
> boys and their teacher.
Crow: Teachers get fired for playing with boys in that way, don't they?
Joel: [sings] I got it bad, BAD, so bad...I'm hot for teeeeeeeCHA!
Tom: JOEL!
> Though martial in intend, it was a scene of
> peaceful companionship,
Tom: Having at each other with swords seems sooo peaceful.
> and I was glad that at least the two young
> halflings could be at ease with the prince.
Joel: They were all jammin' to "Tonight we're going to party like it's
Shire Year 1399."
>
> Then suddenly, for whatever reason, Merry dropped his sword with a
> yell of anguish, more surprised than painful.
Crow: Gotta hate it when all the fight goes out of your "sword" like
that...
> Boromir at once tried to
> see if he had accidentally hurt the halfling, but unsuspectedly Merry
> kicked his chin
Joel: [chuckles] Ah, it's the Middle Earth version of the Three
Stooges!
> and all of a sudden the two boys were on top of the
> huge warrior, all three brawling like kids in the hay.
Crow: Oh, yeah. That's what "kids" in the "hay" do...
>
> They laughed and shouted, and seeing Boromirs face, I realised I had
Tom: [Aragorn] --Better throw myself at the mercy of the first band of
orcs I saw, posthaste.
> never before seen him laughing. He was at ease, for the first time
> since I met him,
Crow: [Boromir] Dude, pipeweed is starting to kick in...
Tom: Is it true that if you lick a hobbit, you get a buzz?
> and like the mirth glowing in Boromirs eyes, an
> unsuspected warmth blossomed in my heart.
Joel: [Aragorn] I knew I shouldn't have eaten that troll jerky for
supper.
Crow: The balrog's back, and this time, it's personal.
>
> I had not passed all my youth in Rivendell under the unforgiving
> tutelage of Elrond and his folks
Tom: Yo, man, Elrond's down with his folks, man.
Crow: His peeps, yo.
> not to know how to listen when my
> heart speaks.
Joel: Of course, when his *head* speaks, it's an entire other matter.
Crow: I really doubt that it's his *heart* that's doing all the talking
here...
> Elves might be fair and wise,
Tom: Or not, if all the Legolas fanfic is to be believed.
> and it is probably right
> because of that, that they draw back to a respectful distance when
> confronted with the emotions of men.
Tom: Or maybe they just don't go in with that whole gay thing?
>
> An elves passion is all-encompassing, enduring, steady, yet
Joel: Elves still consume a large amount of tissues and Haagen-Dazs ice
cream at times of heartache, to their credit.
> even their
> wisdom and control pales when confronted with the devouring fire a
> mortals emotions can grow to.
Crow: [Aragorn] Yep, we mortals often spontaneously combust when *we*
fall in love. Top that, you poncy elf gits!
>
> And grow they will,
Tom: [Telly Savalas] Yessss, baby!
> if left unchecked and unharnessed, and therefore I
> have been trained since my youth to listen to my emotions, to
> understand them and deal with their demands.
Joel: [Aragorn] But their little voices, calling, "Feed me! Feed me!"
in the night, are seriously beginning to grate on my nerves!
>
> Thus, when Boromirs laughter entered my heart, I knew that I had
> fallen to an enemy far harder to deal with than orcs.
Tom: [Aragorn] But making orcs bleed is much much more fun. Wanna
watch?
Crow: You sure it's more fun than making Boromir bleed?
> The very moment
> that warmth radiated from my heart
Crow: [Aragorn] ...and the pain radiated down my arm, I knew I was
having a heart attack. Stupid Boromir.
> and filled all my being with
> gladness, I knew it to be
Joel: A commercial for Cotton: the Fabric of Our Lives.
> love.
>
> I loved that stubborn, short-tempered Gondorian prince for being
> exactly himself,
Tom: Yeah, 'cause he sure *sounds* loveable...
> wanted to see him fight next to me, wanted to ease
> his burden,
Crow: Oh, we're getting to that.
> be his consolance, wanted him.
>
> What an ill-placed infatuation, I thought, and placed even worse.
Joel: So, it's placed even worse than badly. Wow.
>
> I could not let myself suffer from such a liability, not now, when all
> my senses should be focused and alert.
Tom: He needs better Boromir insurance.
>
> Right then, my feelings were hardly more than a crush,
Crow: They turned the future king of Men into a giddy schoolgirl. My
stomach hurts.
Joel: You don't have a stomach.
Crow: It would hurt if I had one.
> but they would
> grow, inevitably, if I
Joel: [Aragorn] Watered them and gave them fertilizer and sunlight.
> spent my days in Boromirs company any longer.
> But leaving the company was not an option,
Tom: [Aragorn] The job market was lousy at the moment.
> neither was it one to make
> Boromir leave us, a thing he would never do alive.
Crow: [Aragorn] So I made up my mind then and there to kill him and be
done with it.
>
> Aggravating was the fact that I was pledged to Arwen, Elronds
> daughter, and that my feelings for her were by no means diminished.
Crow: [Aragorn] Can you say hot manwich with a side of elf, baby?
> Nor were they secondarised,
Tom: Huh?
Crow: What?
Joel: I'm as confused as you are.
> they just were not the only ones in my
> heart any longer.
Tom: [Arwen] Yeah, yeah! Tell it to the judge when I sue you for
palimony, buster!
Joel: No, Aragorn, you're right. Having feelings for someone other
than your lifelong love in no way diminishes her place in your
heart. Especially not when the other person is Boromir.
>
> Yet on the other hand, I did not know if I were to survive to the day
> I would be to marry her,
Tom: At the rate he's going, he's not going to survive the day he tells
her about his journey with Boromir.
> nor was I to know if Boromir would be alive
> long enough to be of any concern to any of us then.
Crow: Since he's no concern to any of you now?
>
> So I clamped down on my heart, freezing emotion with
Tom: Liquid nitrogen?
Crow: Dry ice?
Joel: Carbonite?
> necessity, and
> told myself that if ever both of us would survive, I would deal with
> it when the time were right.
Joel: Nothing like solving these touchy situations by...putting them
off.
Crow: I sense one AWESOME episode of Jerry Springer taking shape here.
> In war, there is no place for games of
> love, even less so if love unrequited might prove detrimental to the
> task ahead.
Tom: Yes, best to stew about it endlessly so that it clouds your mind
to iniquity.
>
> My musings then were cut short by a swarm of Dunland crows, spying in
> service of Isengard.
Crow: Well, at least it wasn't flying monkeys. Then you'd REALLY be in
trouble.
> I was sure that an enemy known is an enemy almost
> defeated,
Joel: That's some fine logic there, that is.
> and thought this problem mostly solved when my mind was put
> to more recent matters at hand.
Crow: [Aragorn] Ew, could the hair on my palms be any *thicker*?!
CONTINUED in part 3
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