CONTINUED from part 8
> I felt my passion coming close to its peak, but
> unwilling to end this encounter so unspectacularly,
Crow: [Aragorn] Orgasm? Yawn, how boring.
> I withdrew rather
> more abruptly than I had intended to.
[Joel makes a noise like a cork coming out of a bottle.]
Bots: [sing] May all this fanfic be forgot/And never brought to mind...
> Breathing heavily, we both lay
> there, in silence, as I watched in bewilderment the faint whiffs of
> steam that rose from our sweating bodies in the cooling night of the
> forest.
Tom: [Aragorn] Oh, wait--that steam's coming out of Boromir's ears. I
must have finished too soon...
>
> "What?", Boromir turned around, obviously unsatisfied with the
> situation.
Crow: [Aragorn, cowering] Please don't hit me!
>
> "Don't know", I answered with a shrug, realising that I was hacking
> off the words for lack of breath.
Joel: It's sad what smoking does to your lungs.
> "Don't want to finish--
Tom: [deep voice] FINISH HIM.
Crow: [ditto] ARAGORN WINS. FATALITY.
> like
> that..."
Tom: [Boromir] Like what?
Crow: [Aragorn] Come to think of it...don't want to finish...at all!
>
> He looked at me for a long moment,
Joel: You can smell the gears grinding here, can't you?
> than he nodded, his eyes sparkling
> full of gentle love. He turned on his back and helped me between his
> legs, spreading them wide.
Tom: Orcs, we need you and we need you *now*.
>
> "Lay on me", he whispered,
Joel: [singing, as Boromir] "when you're not strong/and I'll make you
hot/help you to carry on..."
> "so we can see each other." Pushing a
> sticky strand of my hair out of my face,
Crow: Is that like a _There's Something About Mary_ hair gel kinda
thing?
> he smiled at me again,
> saying:
>
> "How beautiful you are, my Lover."
Tom: [Boromir] Your hair is like a flock of goats running down the
slopes of Mount Doom.
>
> This time, I managed to enter him with ease and without need for his
> help. He had been right, and though our new constellation
Joel: They discovered a new star system?
Crow: "Big dipper" comes to mind.
Tom: They did seem a little spacey.
> demanded a
> little more care than the one before, the pleasure of seeing each
> others face while making lover
Crow: They're creating children now?!
Tom: [Boromir/Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'm pregnant!
> was more than worth it. I do not know
> what he saw in my face then,
Tom: Shame?
Crow: Loathing?
Joel: Disgust?
> but his eyes never left mine, as well as
> mine never left his. His face shone with delight, strands of my hair,
> wet with sweat, dangled mere inches from his nose. I watched his body
> heave
Joel: See, even Boromir's nauseated.
> with each respective movement of mine, and the soft, grunting
> noises he made this time only fuelled my passion all the more.
Tom: There's nothing as romantic as a rooting pig.
>
> This time, when I felt myself approaching the peak of my passion, I
> slowed down my pace, just to savor this moment a little longer,
Joel: [sings] --with Big Red!
> just
> to keep my eyes open not to lose one single sight of my Lover.
Tom: Yeah, 'cause when you turn your back on him--that's when Boromir
gets dangerous!
> I felt
> my whole world contract, turning dense and single-minded,
Crow: So his whole world just turned into Boromir?
Tom: [Aragorn] Stop the world! I want to get off!
> growing
> smaller until it only encompassed my passion and my lovers face, his
> eyes still fixed in mine, staring with the anticipation of joining me.
Crow: ...in Hell...
>
> One more move, and I couldn't hold onto myself any longer,
Tom: [Aragorn] Must...use...bathroom...NOW!!!
> and a long
> barred flood of passion and pleasure washed over me, utterly purging
> me
Crow: [Aragorn] Damned enema!
> and all and any of my thoughts,
Joel: And now he's just like Boromir.
> leaving nothing but a feeling of
> purest wholeness and peace.
>
[They get up and leave. Door sequence.]
[SoL. Joel and the bots emerge from the theater.]
Tom: I think I've seen enough slash to last me for an eternity now.
Crow: Joel, are you sure you didn't get Dr. Forrester to send this as
aversion therapy?
Joel: I'm just as scarred as you are.
[Gypsy enters]
Joel: Oh, hi, Gypsy. Are you, um, still mad?
Gypsy: That depends. Are you going to bring back my stories?
Joel: Well, I kind of...can't.
[Gypsy turns and rolls off.]
Joel: [sighs] I wish she'd get over this.
[The lights go out, plunging the bridge into total darkness.]
Crow: I don't think she has.
Joel: Hold on, I think I've got some matches here, for emergencies.
[Sounds of fumbling in the darkness, then a match is lit. By its light,
Joel finds a candle. He is preparing to light the candle from the match
when a huge gust of wind blows out the flame.]
Tom: What the--?
Crow: I think Gypsy's reversed all the fans!
[pause]
Tom: Joel, is it...snowing?
Joel: It feels like it.
[Lights come on to reveal that it is, in fact, snowing on the bridge.
Joel's hair is blown wildly by the wind. The hexfield opens, revealing
Gypsy.]
Gypsy: Well? Have you had enough yet?
Crow: We had enough before you started!
Joel: Gypsy, I'm really sorry, but I don't know a way to turn a plain
story back into a slash story...wait a minute.
Gypsy: Yes?
Joel: Wait, I'm thinking...
Gypsy: I can flood the bridge if it will help you think better.
[The sound of running water is heard. Joel hops up on the counter,
quickly followed by Crow. Tom hovers.]
Joel: Gypsy, cool it! I think I've figured out a way to bring your
stories back!
Gypsy: Really?
[The snow, wind, and water cease instantly. The lighting suddenly
becomes warm and golden. Sweet music plays.]
Joel: Just work with me for now, Gypsy. As soon as the Mads call us
after the movie, this is what I'm going to do....
[Lights and buzzers]
Joel: I'll tell you later...but trust me!
Joel and Bots: MOVIE SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!
[They run for the theater. Door sequence.]
[Joel and the bots enter the theater and sit down.]
> *
Joel: A lone member of the S.T.A.R.S. Team?
>
> When I came to my senses again, I was laying next to Boromir,
Crow: Sure that was "next to", and not just "laying Boromir"?
Joel: We've already been there. You want *more*?
Tom: I don't think Aragorn's come to his senses yet. He's still next
to Boromir.
> cuddled in his arms,
Tom: That's an image I did not need.
> my body still shivering in remembrance of the
> moments of bliss I had experienced.
Crow: [Aragorn] --last time I saw Arwen.
Joel: What Aragorn's referring to is the kind of shivering one does
after one witnesses something too horrible for words, right?
>
> I looked at him, watched his body, nearly being swallowed by a
Tom: --Gigantic worm that punctured the earth with its massive maw
right beneath him, sweeping him away for all eternity!
Joel: Tom, you have to stop this. It'll only lead to your utter
disappointment.
> wave
> of memories that swarmed over my brain.
Crow: Sucking it dry!
Tom: They'd starve first.
> As he rose, I remarked
Crow: [Aragorn] Gods, you're insatiable!
> several long, red marks running down from his shoulders to his
> chest, somehow ominously alike to the marks of
Tom: Tiny, flesh-burrowing gophers.
> fingernails on flesh.
>
> "Was that me?", I asked, already knowing the answer.
Joel: Did I just imagine the lisp I thought I heard?
Tom: [Aragorn/Kasumi/Dr. Evil] Did I do something *evil*?
>
> Boromir nodded with a cheeky smile, his eyes sparkling.
Joel: Guess Boromir's a cheeky bastard.
Tom: I'll half-agree with you on that.
>
> "You are a very passionate boy, once you let your guards down",
Crow: [Aragorn, to his guards] I'm sorry, gentlemen, but you have the
night off. I need to do Boromir.
> he
> said, collecting some of our wide-strew clothes
Joel: Is that the latest Parisian style?
> to form a makeshift
> cover,
Crow: [Boromir] I learned how to make a tent from my clothing as part
of my Gondorian Boy Scout Training.
>as the night had taken on a distinctive, not yet unpleasant
Tom: [shudders] Oh, we're well beyond unpleasant, now...
> chill.
Joel: Dude, like, chill, man...
>
> We huddled together underneath our improvised blanket,
Crow: Rolling like thunder under the covers.
Joel: That spicy elvish food gets 'em every time.
> this time
> Boromir in my arms, once more looking for the lonely stars shining
> down to us.
Tom: [sings, as Aragorn] Twinkle twinkle, little star/How I wonder
what you are/Up above the world so high/Watching as I do a guy...
>
> "Thank you", Boromir said after a while.
Tom: Right after he said, "Pull my finger."
>
> "Thanks for what?"
Crow: [Boromir] Give me a minute...I'm sure to remember it...
>
> "For accepting me."
Joel: So that rape was just about Boromir's low self-esteem?!
>
> I blinked in befuddlement.
Crow: As do we all, man, as do we all.
> This huge man,
Tom: He's huuuuuuuge!
> whose acceptance I had been
> such a long time searching for with so little success,
Joel: [sings, as Aragorn] I keep searchin' for a heart of gold/I keep
searchin' but I'm growing old...
> this man was
> lying in my arms now,
Tom: [Aragorn] When before he'd sworn everything was God's own truth.
>holding onto me like looking for protection,
Crow: As one would use a human shield?
Tom: He's just taking cover from oncoming orc arrows. Aragorn's as
good as a wooden shield, right?
Joel: Maybe he's checking to see if Aragorn bought condoms?
Crow: It's a little late to be thinking of that.
> thanking me for accepting him?
Joel: I hope there's no long-winded acceptance speech with the Boromir
Award!
>
> But I didn't manage to phrase a question, as once more, he was
> faster with words than I.
Tom: [Aragorn] Actually, he never lets me get a word in edgewise. I so
want to kill him in his sleep.
>
> "I know I'm not always in control of my temper.
Tom: Perhaps there's hope. Recognizing a problem is the first step on
the road to recovery.
> I'm neither well
> mannered nor refined and after all, I'm probably quite dull-witted
> on top."
Joel: [Aragorn] Ah, but you brought sandwiches, and that makes all the
difference.
Crow: You've got to give Boromir credit for self-knowledge, at least.
>
> He turned around a bit to face me, softly touching my chin with one
> of his fingers,
Tom: [Boromir] You've got a zit right there.
> smiling with little stars in his eyes.
Joel: [singing] Tell me why, tell me why/that the stars in your eyes/
are the same kind of stars/that I see in the sky...
Tom: [singing, at the same time] Don't let the stars get in your eyes/
don't let the moon break your heart...
Crow: [singing, at the same time] Hey there...you with the stars in
your eyes....
>
> "And yet you, thoughtful and wise and beautiful as you are,
Crow: Yeah, it's certainly wise to let your assailant finish what he
started.
Tom: Thoughtful, though, you have to admit.
> you do
> not only say that you love me, nay, you truly do love me, for you
> could forgive me."
Joel: Remember, love is never having to say you're sorry.
>
> My head swam with his words.
Crow: [Aragorn] Until their sheer numbers overwhelmed me in their
current, and I drowned.
> He called me thoughtful and wise?
Tom: Yeah, but you've got to consider the source.
> Me,
> who in the course of the evening had proven more than once that he
> was not only unable to find words,
Crow: Who can't find words? Boromir?
Tom: That's unpossible.
> no, that even if he talked, he
> endangered himself and his beloved ones.
Crow: Definitely Boromir.
> He truly must be somewhat
> dull-witted not to have noticed.
All: BINGO!
>
> Or truly in love.
Tom: No, I'd say the first assumption was correct.
>
> "What a gentle and caring soul you bear underneath your rugged
> shell", I finally managed to say.
Joel: [Aragorn] How lucky for me that it's molting season.
Tom: He's like a $100,000 bar. Crunchy on the outside, with a soft,
gooey center.
> "And this is why I love you, for
> you are true-hearted and valiant, and on top of it all, you are most
> beautiful, too."
Crow: [Aragorn] I now crown you...MISS GONDOR!
>
> "At least in my eyes", I added, as his look turned into amused
> disbelief.
Joel: Even Boromir is having trouble swallowing how weak and helpless
Aragorn is.
Crow: Didn't have trouble swallowing much else, though, did he?
>
> "And, I forgot, you do not always have to think before you can act,
> in contrary to me."
Tom: Which I guess is a good thing, since Boromir is incapable of
thinking before he acts...or at all, for that matter.
>
> I kissed his forehead, gently trying to untangle some strands of his
> hair, still smelling of
Tom: Herbal Essences Roses and Tree-Sap Shampoo?
> sweat and him and our sweet love-making.
Joel: Ohmygodithinki'mgonnahurl.
> Being so at ease with him, so close to him, filled my being with
> peace, my heart with softly glowing happiness.
Tom: [Aragorn/Mr. Burns] I bring you peace. I bring you love.
>
> He let his fingers run down my throat,
Crow: [Aragorn] Boromir, get your hand out of my mouth before I throw
up.
> trailed onto my chest, until
> he stopped at the pendant Arwen had given to me on our parting in
> Rivendell,
Joel: [Boromir] What a *darling* pendant! Where can I get one?
> the only piece of clothing left on my body.
Crow: And then God casts them out of the Garden of Eden?
>
> "What is this?", he asked, carefully fingering the precious stones.
Crow: [Aragorn] Boromir, the jewels are around my neck--my *neck.*
> "It doesn't look like you at all."
Tom: [Boromir] You're not tiny and metallic.
>
> "It has been a present", I answered,
Joel: And it's stopped being a present now?
Tom: It returned itself. It walked out in disgust at its owner.
> unsuccessfully avoiding the
> touchy subject of my betrothed.
Crow: If you unsuccessfully avoid something, is it safe to say you just
didn't avoid it?
>
> "Who would give such a frilly thing to a ranger?", he asked,
Tom: *You* might, given the circumstances.
Joel: Frilly things for frilly Rangers, after all...
> his
> voice clearly showing merely curiosity for his Lovers life, no trace
> at all of inappropriate nosiness.
Crow: Inappropriate noisiness? Like all that farting during the sex
scene?
Joel: That's not what it said, and you know it.
>
> "Looks like elven craftswork, isn't it?"
Tom: [Boromir] I get it. You've been sleeping with Legolas.
Joel: [Aragorn] No.
Tom: [Boromir] Elrond?
Joel: [Aragorn] No.
Tom: [Boromir] Haldir?
Joel: [Aragorn] *sigh*...
>
> I nodded, still trying to figure out how to keep this unwieldy
> subject out of this evening
Tom: D'oh--too late!
> that had unexpectedly turned out so
> wonderful.
Crow: So that was *after* the rape that everything went all sunshine,
lollipops, and rainbows?
>
> "Who was it?", he asked again, smiling, playfully poking me.
Tom: [Aragorn] Quit poking me!!!
>
> I closed my eyes, decided he'd learn eventually anyway,
Crow: He's got a glacially slow learning curve, Aragorn. Good thing
you're so long-lived.
> and
> answered:
Joel: [Aragorn] *You* gave it to me, you big lug! Don't you
remember?...Ha! Gotcha!
>
> "It has been given to me as a parting gift by the woman I am
> betrothed to."
Crow: Shouldn't that read "*was* betrothed to"?
>
> He didn't even try to hide his astonishment.
Tom: [Boromir] You mean you're engaged to Galadriel?
Joel: [Aragorn] D'oh!
>
> "You will marry?"
Tom: "Betrothed" usually does imply that, yes.
>
> "Yes, eventually, when all has turned out well
Tom: [Aragorn] And Arwen forgets I ever knew you, Boromir.
> and the Ring is
> destroyed."
Crow: [Aragorn] Thus freeing up Frodo...ooh, did I say that, or did I
think it?
>
> "Oh."
>
> Merely 'oh'?
Tom: That's what he *says*. In the meanwhile, steam pours from his
ears...
>
> I didn't really understand why his reaction tweaked such a hot spike
> of anger within me. I had expected him to grow angry or sad or - I
> don't know.
Crow: [Aragorn] But I couldn't bear his damned indifference!
>
> It was only that in my eyes, his plain reaction seemed to reduce our
> love to a mere accident,
Tom: Hope they have collision coverage.
Crow: So do you call that a fender-bender, then?
> a thought I loathed to accept.
Tom: Odd how he's loath to accept this, but accepting the rape was
easy.
>
> "Have I ever heard of her?", he asked after a short moment of uneasy
> silence.
Joel: Now he's acting like Aragorn's mother.
Tom: [singing] Mother's gonna check out all your girlfiends for you/
Mother won't let anyone dirty get through.
>
> "Probably." I looked into his eyes, braced myself and said:
Joel: Anyone else really want Aragorn to answer, "She's your mother,"
just to see what happens?
Tom: Ah, the "What about Your Mom" defense. Gets 'em every time.
>
> "I'm promised to Arwen Undomiel, daughter of Elrond, as she is
> pledged to me."
Joel: You sure about that, buddy? Think back to that little talk you
had with Galadriel....
Tom: Yeah, wasn't there something about not letting Arwen give her
heart to a man who was in love with someone else?
>
> "Elronds daughter?", he gasped.
Joel: [Announcer voice] This week, on _As the Fellowship Turns_...
>
> "I do not think her family will like what we did here,
Crow: [Aragorn] For if I recall, this was not the elven definition of
a bachelor party...
> nor is hers a
> house whose wrath is easy to ignore."
Tom: [taunting] Elrond's gonna kill you! Elrond's gonna kill you!
Crow: If Galadriel doesn't do it first....
CONTINUED in part 10
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