CONTINUED from part 9
>
> He looked at me with a strange combination of insecurity and anger,
> saying:
Joel: [Boromir] Did my leather jerkin make me look fat?
>
> "What a tricky net you have manoeuvred me into, my love."
Tom: Ah what a tangled web we weave, when, screwing men, we do
deceive...
>
> Grinning nefariously, I moved onto my elbows, saying:
Crow: [Aragorn/Jeremy Irons] Now is a good time to die!
>
> "Did I mention that her mothers mother is Galadriel, the elven queen
> of Lorien?"
Joel: [Boromir] No! I thought she was Galadriel, the waitress at Bob's
Diner!
>
> Pure shock widened my lovers eyes, yet I somehow was
Tom: [Aragorn] ...worried the electricity I managed to channel into his
body through the lightning rod wasn't nearly enough to fry him as
I wished.
> unafraid he
> might do something short-sighted,
Crow: Boromir? Naw...
> for his arms were still gently
> holding me,
Tom: [Aragorn] ...squeezing out my very life...perhaps I was too quick
to judge him harmless....
> his body clearly saying he wasn't going to give me up,
> at least not tonight.
All: [singing] Never gonna let you go/I wanna hold you in my arms
forever/Trying to make up for the times I hurt you so...
Joel: Frightening how that fits, isn't it?
>
> "Oh gods!", he gasped softly, as the whole proportions of tonights
> encounter came to his mind.
Tom: [Boromir] I *slept* with a *man*!
>
> "And did I also mention", I went on, now
Crow: [Aragorn] ...that finally, I got to talk.
> with some kind of grim
> amusement, "that she probably has been spying on us all the time,
> and that she is quite likely
Tom: Vomiting up all she's ever consumed? As are we?
> retreating now in the worst mood since
> the end of the second age?"
Crow: [Aragorn] In fact, she's probably phoning her lawyers even as we
speak.
>
> "You knew all this", he stated in accusing bewilderment. "Why did
> you then--"
Joel: [Aragorn] Because Galadriel's just so darn *cute* when she's
angry!
>
> "Because I love you. I cannot say that I do know a way to untangle
> this mess,
Tom: So just make like Alexander the Great and hack it apart with your
sword. Or at least hack Boromir, since he's the cause of it all.
> but I do not regret any single word I said tonight, nor
> anything I did."
Crow: [Aragorn] Except maybe that nasty trick with the pine cone...
> "Or anything that has been done with me, for that",
> I added with a seedy smile.
Tom: Not even the RAPE?
Crow: Seedy, indeed.
>
> Boromir still looked at me, heavy thoughts moving behind his brows.
Crow: [Boromir] So...who are you engaged to again?
Tom: *Any* thought for him is a heavy thought.
>
> "And it was Galadriel herself who ordered me to sort things out with
> you,
Crow: [Galadriel] I meant your *laundry*, you numbskull!
> to any outcome. Though I'm pretty sure she'd preferred to see
> something less carnal."
Joel: [Aragorn] She's a vegetarian, you see.
>
> "She knows...?" Whatever worries might have had crept into my lovers
> thoughts were now replaced by pure bewilderment.
Crow: Yep, thoughts don't stay in Boromir's mind for long.
>
> "'The Lady of the woods sees deep into the hearts of men.
Tom: She's "The Shadow"!
> And
> whatever she sees will forever change the one who faced her gaze.'
Joel: She could make a fortune hosting AA meetings and stuff.
> The old saying is pretty true, my love, for I do not know about you,
> but I have changed, far more than I would have thought possible."
Crow: [Aragorn] For example, I'm gay now.
>
> I tried to kiss him, but he gently pressed me away, asking:
Tom: [Boromir] Forsooth, why would you wish to purchse the cow, if I
keep providing the milk for free?
>
> "How in all the worlds did you think all this would sort out?"
>
> I shrugged, saying:
Tom: [Aragorn] Think?
>
> "Hadn't thought about it at all. By all accounts, I might be dead
> before the next moon.
Crow: [Aragorn] Especially after Galadriel kills me.
> Or you might--"
Joel: Ironic foreshadowing by Lords of Gondor, Inc.
> I left it unsaid, for the
> thought of it was
Tom: --Really, really nice.
Joel: And eerily true?
> painful beyond expectation, too painful to even
> word it.
Crow: But not as painful for Aragorn as it would be for Boromir.
>
> "So you hoped one of us would die before you had to make a
> decision?",
Tom: [Aragorn] Actually, knowing Galadriel, I figured it was pretty
much guaranteed.
> he chided me with mocked anger. "What a lovely thought
> of you!"
Joel: [Aragorn] Yes, isn't it?
>
> Phrased that way, my former decision to wait seemed more like a
> cowards hope to avoid conflict than a future kings wise plan.
Crow: Well, if the shoe fits....
> Smiling guiltily, I shrugged once more, half-heartedly dodging
> Boromirs playful slap at my head.
Tom: With Aragorn's penchant for understatement, I'd say that was a
sucker-punch aimed for the jaw. You?
>
> "I know it's no great kingly way to deal with things like that", I
> admitted.
Joel: [Boromir] That's true. So I'm sure you won't mind paying me 50
gold pieces a month to keep quiet about this.
> "But no-one knows what the future will bring,
Tom: [sings, as Aragorn] Que sera sera...Whatever will be, will be....
> and thus, I
> am somewhat reluctant to make plans beyond our recent task at hand."
Tom: [Aragorn] Aside from marrying Arwen, of course.
Crow: Maybe he was secretly hoping to die before it came to that, too.
>
> Taking one deep breath, Boromir nodded, pulling me down to him
> again.
Crow: [Boromir] Yeah, yeah. Enough talk--back to your "kingly duty."
>
> "I'd liked to have know how you see our relationship, that's all."
Tom: I'd like to have know who taught you to speak.
> "I do not like the thought to be a mere replacement for a lovely yet
> momentarily unavailable elven maiden."
Joel: [Aragorn] You wouldn't look good in her gowns, anyway.
>
> His words made me draw in my breath sharply,
Tom: In preparation for a good, old-fashioned hissy fit!
> but before I could
> answer, he added:
>
> "Especially, as I'm utterly untalented in pretending to be shy or
> wise, nor am I slender
Crow: [Aragorn] You sure aren't. Ever considered Weight Watchers?
> or fey or whatever else one might attribute
> to her race."
Tom: Infinitely patient?
Crow: Stupidly fascinated by undeserving mortals?
Joel: Possessing a glimmer of intelligence?
>
> No, he truly was as far from elven stature as man might be,
Crow: I guess Boromir should be proud of theat, eh? I've yet to hear
anyone brag about being "hung like an elf."
> yet his
> words did not amuse me, impinging on Arwens honour as they were.
Joel: Sure, because you uphold her honor every time you have sex with
Boromir.
>
> "Take care of how you speak of the Lady Arwen, for
Crow: [Aragorn] --Her grandmother is incredibly powerful and she's
listening to every word.
> she is pure and
> not to be spoken of in anything but reverence", I said,
Tom: But sleeping around behind her back is perfectly okay...
> pointedly
> reminding him that my feelings for her were by no means changed by
> the night I had shared with him.
Tom: Noooo, the fact that you were willing to risk your engagement for
a roll in the grass with another man doesn't mean a thing.
>
> But he merely pouted at me, gently patting the small of my back,
> saying:
Joel: [Boromir] You sure are cranky. You must have gas.
>
> "I have not been speaking of the fair lady Arwen, nay, not at all."
Crow: [Boromir] I'm talking about Legolas!
>
> He cupped my face between his hands, looking deep into my eyes,
> adding seriously:
Joel: [Boromir] One little twist and I could break your neck, you know.
>
> "I have been talking about the two of us,
Tom: So which of them is the "elven maiden" in this scenario?
> valiant defender of your
> ladies honour, and if you see me as a lover equal to her
Crow: [Aragorn] Well, you're kind of at a disadvantage since you don't
have the pointy ears.
Tom: He has other pointy things, I'd imagine.
> or as a
> mere little adventure on the sidelines of the battlefield."
Tom: Or, is it as a mistake that's gone horribly, horribly wrong?
>
> He was right to demand at least that decision of me now, for tonight
> we had been alone in the world,
Crow: That's what they think. But little do they know that the whole
Fellowship is sitting in the bushes, watching this.
> but night was drawing to an end, and
> tomorrow we would be back again to titles and responsibilities.
Joel: Aragorn will be CEO, and Boromir will be acting Vice-President.
>
> "I - I'm not sure."
Tom: [Aragorn] What were we talking about again?
>
> "Oh, how very nice of you."
Joel: [Boromir] A dozen red roses! You really *do* love me!
>
> "No, please. Let me explain."
Crow: And now he's rehearsing what he'll say to Arwen when he sees her
again.
>
> Taking a deep breath, I tried to focus my thoughts before I
> continued.
Joel: [Aragorn] But alas, I failed, and all I could say was...
>
> "I do love you, and there is no doubt or deceit in my heart.
Tom: Except toward Arwen, of course.
> Most
> definedly not so, my valiant Lover. And if you ask me now, the love
> in my heart is by no means less than what I feel for the Lady Arwen.
Joel: Aragorn's just a master at stringing them along, isn't he?
> And this ails me, for I do not know any way to deal with this that
> would not make at least one of us unhappy."
Crow: [Aragorn] See, if I dump you, you're unhappy, and if I dump
Arwen, Elrond kills me, and then I'm unhappy.
>
> I gently stroked his face, and in his eyes I saw the gentle light of
> sad understanding.
Joel: You could actually see the lightbulb go on in his head this time!
>
> "Please do not ask promises of me tonight,
Tom: [Aragorn] I hate it when my lovers get all clingy.
> for I do not want to hurt
> my Lady Arwen more than I have already done with my deeds. Nor do I
> want to reject you unnecessarily, for your love means much to me,
> and I cannot part with you without dire need."
Crow: [Aragorn] What I most desire is to have forth my cake, and to
devour it as well.
>
> A soft, sad little smile lightened up Boromirs face as he bent to
> kiss my chest.
>
> "You give sweet talk, Aragorn son of Arathorn,
Crow: [Boromir] Now give me some sweet lovin'!
> once you have put
> your mind to it. And I will not force you.
Tom: [Aragorn] You already did, remember?
> You have shown your love
> to me in word and deed,
Joel: [Boromir] By telling me to stop and then letting me rape you.
> and whatever love you will be able to share
> with me in days to come
Crow: [Boromir] For example, if you'd just roll over and take it again.
> will be all I desire.
Joel: [Boromir] Until the next time I black out and go after you in a
mindlessly violent manner.
> For I truly love you,
> and though I will ever long to be as close with you as tonight, it
> will be enough for me to know that you love me at all."
Tom: [Boromir] And oh, King of Gondor, if you love me at all/bring me
me a big, red, India-rubber ball!
>
> Smiling seedily, he added:
>
> "And the memory of our first night shared will be enough to warm my
> lonely nights."
Crow: [Boromir] When it's just me and my...
Joel: Stop right there.
>
> "But then again", he added jokingly, "it just might increase my
> desire until I do something thoughtless
Tom: Like, say, raping him again?
> and try to abduct you to
> live in my lonely tower. Or stuff like that."
Joel: Rapunzagorn, Rapunzagorn, let down your hair...
>
> We laughed, both knowing that future might turn out far darker than
> we pictured it in our words.
Joel: No shades needed in this future.
Tom: Nothing's bright in this story, Joel.
> But we held each other tight, for the
> moment was precious to us
[Tom screams]
Joel: What's wrong?
Tom: I suddenly got the mental image of a "Precious Moments" figurine
of this scene.
[Crow screams too]
Joel: Thanks so much for that, Tom.
[He buries his face in his hands]
> and would be cherished in the dark days to
> come, lightening our moods.
Crow: [Aragorn] Whenever I'd need a little pick-me-up, I'd think of the
night Boromir raped me, and I'd feel all warm and fuzzy inside...
>
> Laying closely together in silence for a long time, we thought of us
> and what might become of our love if both of us would live beyond
> our current task.
Crow: [Aragorn] And then we agreed that a suicide pact was the only
logical path that lay ahead.
>
> *
Joel: [sings] Star of wonder, star of night...
>
> It was already close to morning, the first grey patches appearing in
> the sky above the green canopy to our heads,
Tom: They're in the jungle?
> when I softly said to
> Boromir:
Crow: [Aragorn] My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
>
> "There is one thing I can promise you, though."
Joel: [Aragorn] Lots of taxes. They're pretty much a sure thing.
>
> Slow and sleepy my Lover opened his eyes,
Tom: [Aragorn] Ha! Now it's *my* turn to keep *him* awake with endless
talking!
> and though the warm
> heaviness of fatigue leadened his limbs, his eyes sparkled with
> gentle curiosity.
Joel: He's a Mogwai, like in _Gremlins_.
>
> "I can promise you, that whatever happens, I will never hurt you.
Tom: [Aragorn] Unlike you did me, you bastard.
> I
> can promise that I will ever try to protect both your body and soul
> from harm,
Joel: You notice he doesn't say anything about Boromir's mind. He
knows that's beyond hope.
> and that I will gladly give not only my live,
Crow: [Aragorn] But also my recordings, even the bootlegs!
> but also my
> happiness to see it done."
>
> He listened to my pledges with ever-growing eyes,
Joel: Boromir's turning into an anime character!
> sleepiness more
> and more replaced by wide-eyed wonder.
Tom: It's "Boromir in Wonderland"!
>
> "I cannot promise you what I will do in days to come,
Crow: [Aragorn] Or who, for that matter.
> nor can I
> promise that all will be well.
Joel: Boy, he's sure optimistic.
Tom: [Aragorn] For instance, you might go nuts, try to steal the Ring,
and get slaughtered by orcs in a couple of days. Speaking
hypothetically, of course.
> But I can tell that your life and
> happiness are so close to my heart that I will try to protect them
> at all costs."
Joel: [Aragorn] Even at the cost of, say, my own dignity.
>
> "And that I will always love you,
Tom: The role of Aragorn will now be played by Whitney Houston!
> whatever fate has been laid out
> before us.", I added, meanwhile grinning at his bewildered face.
Joel: [Aragorn] Tee-hee! I love that look he gets when I use words of
more than one syllable!
>
> "And you were the one who talked about not to make important pledges
> too soon."
Crow: [Aragorn] I know, but they were offering the Complete Frank
Sinatra Collection at the $500 level...
>
> "Well", I shrugged, still grinning cheekily, "now that I've had time
> to think, I know what to say."
Tom: [Aragorn] *ahem* I regret this and I want you to leave. There, I
said it.
>
> "You really know how to talk sweet as honey, my love.
All: [sing] Your kisses are/sweeter than honey/but baby/so's my money/
and all I ask is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
> So maybe there
> has been one good side to all that elven manners that have been bred
> into you."
Joel: That's not the only good thing. Wait till you taste his
cookies.
Crow: I thought he already did.
>
> Kissing me, it was now Boromir who cleared his throat and raised up
> on his elbow to say:
Crow: [Boromir] Hrmmmshfff.
Tom: [Aragorn] Perhaps he should have stopped kissing me, first.
>
> "So as you have given your pledges freely and graciously, I will
> pledge myself to you as well."
Joel: It's Hell Week at the Fellowship Fraternity House!
>
> Blinking in astonishment I looked at him, for I had not spoken as I
> had to provoke any reaction of his.
Crow: [Aragorn] In fact, I'd rather hoped he'd just kiss off.
>
> "I will pledge to you that I will always be by your side in love, if
> not in body, than in soul,
Tom: Even on his honeymoon with Arwen? That's disturbing.
> and that I shall always strive to keep
> you from harm, be it in body, heart or soul,
Joel: [Boromir] --but your mind has to fend for itself.
> by acting or
> abstaining,
Crow: I somehow don't think these two will go for much abstaining.
> by life or death.
Joel: [Aragorn] Great! Your death will prevent me from getting harmed
by Elrond. See to it, okay?
> So I pledge, to be true and binding
Crow: [Boromir] Like a badly-fitting shirt...
> until my very last breath, for the gods to bear witness."
>
> "Oh.-"
Tom: [Aragorn] --crap. We just got married, didn't we?
CONCLUDED in part 11
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