LASER TAG, Parts 2 and 3
Story by Phantom 1 <Phanto5692@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>
MiSTing by Dreelyn <Dreelyn@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>
and Juliet Youngren <jayoungr@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>
[SoL. Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are lined up facing the camera. Joel
wears the lab coat and stethoscope which he wore at the end of "Laser Tag,
Part 1." Crow is still wearing the blonde wig, along with a blue dress
and an orange ascot. Tom wears a miniature hard hat. Gypsy has no
special
costume.]
Joel: Good evening, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. A while back
we watched the first part of a piece of fiction called "Laser
Tag"...and since we're pretty sure Dr. Forrester is going to send
us the next part of the story today, we thought we'd start off with
a recap of the story so far.
Tom: I'm John, and I found Amanda Warner here in a block of ice in
Antarctica.
Crow: How come I have to be the ditzy heroine?
Tom: Typecasting.
Joel: I'm Dr. Robinson...no, really...and I figured out how to revive
Amanda even though she'd been frozen for 65 years.
Crow: But when I came out of the ice, I couldn't remember anything but my
name, and what I thought was my age....
Joel: [as Dr. Robinson] So, you're 14 years old? Are you busy Saturday
night?
Tom: [as John] Hey Doc, Howard Johnson says we're not supposed to revive
the ice girl until they find out who she is. Whoops, I guess I'm
too late.
Joel: Sorry, man. So what do I do with her now? Re-freeze her?
Tom: Nah, I'll take her to New York with me.
Crow: Can I have a change of clothes at least?
Tom and Joel: No.
[Joel reaches under the counter, pulls out a card that says "New York
City, 2060" and holds it up to the camera.]
Tom: You know, my son whom no one will ever see plays in a Laser Tag
league.
Crow: Really? Cool. What does he play?
Tom: Laser Tag. Let's go watch a game.
Crow: What kind of game?
Tom: Laser Tag!! Would you like to play?
Crow: Play what?
Tom: That does it. I'm taking you to the Hologuard.
Gypsy: Hi! I'm your friendly Hologuard. Can I help you?
Tom: Amanda here wants to play Laser Tag.
Crow: I do?
Tom: Yeah, but she has no guardians, no citizenship, no legal identity,
and no memory.
Gypsy: No problem! If she can handle our drugs, she's in.
Tom: Do you honestly think the drugs would matter?
Gypsy: Good point. Hey, Amanda--walk through that door.
[Crow goes to the closed doors at the back of the bridge and hits his head
against them.]
Crow: Ow! It's closed!
Tom: The drugs might be an improvement, actually.
Gypsy: Okay, Amanda, the Global Laser Tag League will cover up the fact
that you have no memory, for no special reason except we like your
face. Now you have to swear to live by all our rules.
Crow: What are they?
Gypsy: They're a secret.
Crow: Okay.
Gypsy: Now you're going to take the subway from New York to Arizona.
Crow: Okay.
Gypsy: But first, we're going to give you all kinds of cool, expensive,
and vaguely Freudian equipment.
Crow: Wow, my very own black leather catsuit!
Gypsy: Time to join your new team!
Tom: Never to see me again!
Joel: Or me!
Crow: I forgot who you guys are already!
Gypsy: Water under the bridge, then! Oh, you need a code name.
Crow: How about Arctica, since I was found in the Antarctic...oh, wait.
Gypsy: Too late, you can't switch. You're Arctica.
Crow: Arctica, right. What was I playing, again?
All: LASER TAG!
[Mads' light flashes]
Joel: Hey, it's Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, too! [He hits the light]
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: And good evening to you, Christopher Robinson.
[SoL]
Joel: That's Joel Robinson, actually, Sir.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: You're acting as if I care.
[SoL]
Joel: Well, I'm all ready for the invention exchange. That Laser Tag
story you sent has inspired us to create various laser items. We
tried to think of new and different ways of applying laser
technology where it's never been used before.
Tom: Show him mine, Joel!
Joel: See, for example, Tom has invented "laser pajamas".
[Joel reaches under the counter and holds up a pair of ordinary-looking
striped pajamas.]
Joel: Gypsy, would you get the light?
[Gypsy rolls offscreen and the lights go out. The pajamas glow brilliantly
red in the dark.]
Joel: Pretty neat, huh, sirs?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Well, we've also been dabbling in laser-related items, but with a
good bit more flair than you, I think you'll find. I have
harnessed the power of lasers to create... [he pulls out what
looks like an ordinary Mr. Coffee] The laser percolator!
[SoL. The lights are back on.]
Joel: So it uses lasers to heat the coffee?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: No, it uses an electric heating pad like any other percolator.
But it gives you an attractive light show while the coffee's
brewing.
[He flips a switch on the side of the percolator and laser beams swirl
around Deep 13.]
[SoL]
Joel: Wow. That *is* impressive....
Crow: Show him mine next!
Joel: Crow developed something both tasteful and elegant.
[Joel reaches under the table and pulls up a tea set, glued cheaply to a
fake silver serving tray.]
Crow: It's a laser-guided tea set!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: It guides the cup to your lips?
[SoL]
Crow: No. It has a laser fill line.
[Joel tilts the cup forward to reveal the red fill line on the inside.]
[Deep 13. Frank holds up an item which looks like a fountain pen.]
Frank: I invented a laser pointer. If you press the clip, a red spot
appears on whatever you point it at. [He demonstrates] That way
you can point things out in the dark so everyone will know what
you're talking about.
Dr. F: You stole that off my desk, didn't you, Frank?
Frank: Well, um, yeah. Sorry.
[Dr. Forrester slaps Frank upside the head.]
[SoL. Joel is holding up something that looks like a yardstick with a red
laser light mounted on one end.]
Joel: And finally, here's my invention. My grandmother always kept track
of the heights of us kids by marking the kitchen wall with a grease
pencil. Now with my new laser measuring device, you can get a
precision height accurate to .02 of a millimeter, and it burns the
mark permanently into the wall, too! What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: You may think you've beaten us, but we still have one more
laser-related item up our sleeves, and it's the worst of all:
Chapters 2 and 3 of "Laser Tag" by Phantom 1. I'm sure it'll make
you all "see red!" Send them the story, Frank.
[Frank is still playing with the laser pointer.]
Dr. F: Give me that.
[He grabs the pointer from Frank.]
[SoL. Lights and sirens.]
All: WE GOT LASER TAG SIIIIIIIIIIIGN!
[Joel and the bots run off in various directions. Door sequence.]
[Theater. Joel and the Bots enter and take their seats.]
> "Commander Stanton." From underneath the piles of covers and
> strategy maps,
Crow: He's planning an attack from bed?
> a pale face balding man
Joel: [Tonto] How, Commander Stanton.
Tom: [ditto] Commander Stanton speak with forked tongue.
> hauled himself up to fresh
> air.
Tom: [Stanton] Oh man, I've got to remember not to sleep with the covers
over my head after a Mexican dinner....
>
> "Yes, Hologuard?" The voice had a thick british accent.
Joel: Now Commander Stanton is imitating Michael Caine.
>
> "Sorry for waking you, Commander Stanton,
Tom: Crow, he really *is* planning this from bed!
Crow: Will wonders never cease...
> but I have some news from
> the Global Laser Tag League Council. You're new member
Tom: [Stanton] How did I get to be a commander if I'm a new member?
Joel: [Hologuard] Personnel shortage, sir.
> is on her
> way now. ETA 15 minutes."
Crow: [Hologuard] She'll be landing on runway three!
>
> "Hologuard, what info can you give me on this newbie."
Tom: [Stanton] WTF, n00b!!!11!
>
> "Name: Amanda Warner, Age: 14. Code Name: Arctica."
Crow: Would you really *want* a nickname that suggests you're frigid?
Joel: Crow!
Crow: What? It's a legitimate question!
>
> "All right, I'll go and meet her."
Tom: Stanton hates it when people send him on blind dates.
>
> "Don't alert the rest of the Phoenix Team just yet. Wait until she
> arrives."
Joel: Won't it be hard to throw a surprise party if they start *after*
she arrives?
>
> "Where's she coming from?"
Crow: *She* can't even answer that one, man.
>
> "New York City."
Joel: Isn't where they make that salsa? [makes a face] New York
*City*?!
>
> Commander William Stanton was the leader and manager of the Phoenix
> Team.
Crow: So he's not only the President, but he's also a client?
Joel: He sounds more like a Pokemon Gym Leader.
> He was once a Laser Tag Trooper himself and a damn good one
Tom: Must have been before he joined the Twin Peaks FBI investigation
team, eh?
> if he did say so himself.
Crow: Wow--talented, organized, *and* modest!
> Pulling on his jumpsuit, a half-red,
> half-blue one that was the colors of all Laser Tag managers
Joel: So all managers are red and blue?
> wear, he
> went to the Lobby. The Lobby was the room that stood next to the
> subway track.
Crow: I'm glad they clarified that, because I might have gotten it
confused with a hotel entryway or something.
> All Laser Tag teams take underground subways from
> stadium to stadium for matches.
Tom: I guess there must not be a stadium in Chicago then.
Joel: When she gets there, they'll ask her for another nickel and
then she'll be stuck on the train forever...
>
> Soon, the train from the New York City Laser Tag Stadium came
> rolling in.
Tom: [sings] Oh when the train/comes rolling in...
Joel: So the only subway system goes between stadiums? Everyone else
walks to work?
> The doors opened and its solitary passenger exited,
Tom: Apparently they need to encourage more people to use the public
transit system here.
> helmet and laser rifle in tow.
Crow: She's broken them both already and had to call a truck.
Joel: Good thing she has Triple A.
>
> "Arctica, right?
Joel: I sure hope so, since she's the only one on the train.
> I'm Commander William Stanton, leader of Phoenix
> Team. Welcome."
>
> "Thank you, Commander Stanton, I am very honored to be here."
Tom: [Amanda] Now if you could be so kind as to tell me exactly where
"here" is...
>
> "Come with me and I'll show you around."
Crow: Stanton needs a new pick-up line!
> Commander Stanton lead
> Arctica through the turnstiles there and into the elevator.
Tom: Wow, a lead Arctica must be hard to drag through the turnstiles.
>
> "Phoenix Team is a member of the West Coast Laser Tag League, he
> explained. "Most of the time, we only compete with other members of
> the West Coast League,
Crow: And New York breathes a collective sigh of relief that they don't
have to see her again.
> but sometimes if a team from another part of
> the League wants an exhibition match, we have the option of
> accepting."
Joel: So this is like that whole West Coast-East Coast Rap war thing,
huh?
>
> "Sounds cool. But how does all this get funded? I mean where does
> the money come from?"
Tom: Why should she care?
Crow: She just wants to get paid.
>
> "The points each team accumulates in a match is turned into credits
> which can be used for certain purchases.
Joel: Selling tickets is *so* twentieth century.
Tom: Wouldn't this be simpler if you just left them points, and then
bought things with those?
> Most of the time, it's
> food, clothing, and items used for Laser Tag Matches."
Crow: [Stanton] So if you don't perform, you don't eat.
>
> The elevator stopped and opened into a white-washed hallway.
Joel: Tom Sawyer tricked the rest of the team into doing that for
him.
>
> "There are currently five players on Phoenix Team. You will be the
> sixth."
Tom: [Stanton] Well, fifth-and-a-half.
>
> "I was told that a team can have a much as six players."
Joel: [Stanton] Yes, and also as *many* as six, too.
>
> "That's right. Most of the time, we take matches from other six-
> Trooper teams, but sometimes when a member gets sick, we'll take a
> match from five-Trooper teams."
Joel: This math might be too complicated for Amanda...
>
> "Oh." Commander Stanton stopped in front of a set of double doors.
> "What's wrong?"
Tom: [Stanton] I can never remember if these doors open in or out...
>
> "This is the dorm. This is where the other players stay."
>
> "It's co-ed?"
Crow: Anyone else thinking "party!!!!"?
>
> "Pretty much."
Joel: Pretty much co-ed? How does that work?
Crow: Maybe they're all neuters.
> Commander Stanton slashed his card through the reader
Tom: At least he was kind enough to put *that* reader out of his or her
misery!
Crow: Wish he'd do the same for us.
> and the doors opened.
>
> The room was divided into six alcoves. Each alcove had a bed
> attached to the wall and a dresser. There were curtains separating
> the alcoves.
Joel: So they're not exactly alcoves?
>
> In the middle was a common room.
Tom: Yup, just your average, ordinary, nothing-special room.
> A living room-style set up with
> coffee table, three armless easy chairs and a couch. There was a
> single door leading off to the side, most likely a bathroom.
Joel: It'd be nice if our author could've taken a peek in there to
check...
>
> Five other children sat around the room. Two girls, and three guys.
> One of the girls had red hair that was buzzed
Crow: [girl] I rinsed it in beer. Keeps it shiny.
> and green eyes. She
> had her jumpsuit with the top part hanging off and in a blue tanktop.
Tom: I wonder how she stuffed her jumpsuit in her tanktop like that?
> The other girl had jet-black hair and green eyes.
Bots: [sing] Her eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad/Her hair is
dark as a blackboard...
> One of the guys
> was African American with flat-top black hair.
Joel: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present...HAMMER!!!
> And he was watching
> TV with a short kid (about Arctica's height) wearing a pair of wire-
> frame glasses.
Crow: Kensuke Aida?
Tom: Hey, look! "The Simpsons" is in its 71st season!
> The last kid, whom Arctica assumed was the leader,
> was pretty much average looking.
Crow: Yup, he sure stands out as leadership material.
Tom: Well, everyone knows that girls, African-Americans, and kids
with glasses can't possibly be leaders...
Joel: [winces] I don't think the author meant *that*.
> His eyes were intense and deep,
> with an almost sinister look to them.
Crow: [boy] I'm Kid Rasputin. Nice to meet you.
>
> "Ladies and gentlemen," Commander Stanton called. "I understand you
> all are engaged
Joel: How exciting! A mass-wedding celebration is in the works!
> in important matters,
Joel: Aren't they all just lazing around, watching TV?
> but this requires your
> attention." Everybody looked up, intrigued on who this strange girl
> with the Commander Stanton was.
Tom: Now he's *the* Commander Stanton. Impressive.
>
> "She related to you, Commander?" The jet-black haired girl asked.
Crow: [girl] She's obviously not qualified, so this must be nepotism.
>
> "Nope. Everybody, this is Amanda Warner, her code name's Arctica.
> She's our new member."
>
> The reactions were varied.
Tom: Unlike the prose.
> Glasses-wearer was intrigued, red was
> skeptic, Jet-black and the African American were surprised, deep-eye
> gave her the evil eye.
Joel: So we should call him "evil eye" now.
>
> "Arctica, these are your teammates." He pointed to the red-head.
> "That's Shana O'Connor, code named Spit-Fire."
Tom: [Amanda] Is that because she's got a quick temper?
Joel: [Stanton] No, it's because she spits real fire. Don't get too
close to her without an asbestos suit.
> He then swung
> around to glasses-wearer.
Tom: ...knocking him out cold with a killer right hook!
> "That's Robert Nicholas, also known as
> Specs. Next to him is Alfred Visard, known as Target."
Crow: [Stanton] Because the other teams hit him all the time.
> He then
> turned her attention to the Black-haired girl. "That is Nicole
> Ling, she goes by the name Chi."
Tom: [Amanda] Is that because she's Chinese?
Joel: [Stanton] No, it's because she's from Chicago. You're 0 for 2
so far.
> He crossed his arms and returned
> the stare exhibited by the last boy. "That's Jeffrey Peterson, we
> call him Jefe. The reason should be obvious."
Crow: Because his name is Jeff?
Joel: Because this crowd *obviously* have a good reason to make a
Spanish pun.
>
> "So this is our sixth member?" Spit-Fire walked up to her. "What
> about it, newbie, you think you can handle playing with the big
> guns?"
Tom: Wakachickawakachicka...
>
> "She must be able to," Specs said. "Otherwise she wouldn't be
> here."
Crow: Is this laser tag or a porn movie?
>
> "I want to hear that from herself," Spit-Fire said.
>
> "She seems nervous," Chi observed.
Joel: Maybe it's because of all these people standing around, talking
about her in the third person like she isn't even there?
>
> "It's first day jitters," Specs responded.
>
> "All right, lay off her,"
Crow: [Target] She's mine!
> Target defended.
Tom: Now, there's an oxymoron.
Crow: Or a military command...
> "Not even on the job
> five seconds and already you guys are picking her apart."
Joel: I think I know what happened to their last team member.
Crow: [Target] Folks, we'd better start winning--we can't get *all*
our food this way!
>
> Jefe continued staring at her. Arctica began to get nervous. She
> was afraid that Jefe was going to leap up and attack her at any
> second.
Crow: Now that would be an improvement to this story.
>
> "Arctica, you're bed is second from the right, between Specs and
> Jefe,"
Crow: Aw yeah!
> Commander Stanton commented. "All right, people, we have
> have a match
Joel: Against the the Eye Creatures?
> against the Marauders Team at 2:00, so rest up." And
> with those words, Commander Stanton left.
Tom: Arctica, right?
Crow: Who's on first?
>
> Still receiving glances from the others, Arctica went over to her
> alcove. She noticed that most of the others' were personalized with
> items of interest but hers were blank.
Crow: Are any of us surprised to see she has *no* items of interest?
> Hoping that they would
> eventually lose interest in her,
Tom: That shouldn't be difficult...
> she explored her small alcove.
Joel: Hope she ropes herself to the bed, or she might get lost.
>
> Going through the dresser, she found
Crow: ...the remains of the previous party that had attempted this
perilous ascent.
> that they were mostly empty
> except for the top-right one.
Tom: How many dressers are there?
> That held a hair band in it.
Crow: Warrant is in her dresser?
Joel: I always wondered where those guys went after the '80s.
> Arctica
> stared at it for a bit,
Tom: [Arctica] It must be a gift from the gods!
> than pulled her hair into a pony tail with
> it. She discovered a small light over her bed, the switch on the
> wall the bed was leaning against.
Joel: It was the light switch...OF TOTAL DEVASTATION!
>
> Arctica turned just in time to catch Specs and Target diverting
> their eyes
Crow: Avert thine eyes, oh Lord!
> back to the television. If she didn't know better, she
> could've sworn she saw them exchange a pair of down looks.
Tom: Sorry to see they're so depressed.
>
> Suddenly Arctica felt an arm on her shoulder.
Crow: Don't most people have an arm on each shoulder?
> She jumped before
> turning around and discovering Spit-Fire there.
>
> "So, Arctica, what's your 411?"
Joel: Amazing that in 2060, they still call 411 for information.
>
> "What?"
Tom: Typical Amanda response...
>
> "Tell us about yourself, who are you, where you come from?"
>
> "No... nothing interesting about me, name's Amanda Warner, 14 years
> old."
>
> "And..."
Crow: [Amanda] And I forgot. No, really.
>
> "And?"
Tom: And then?
Crow and Joel: No "and then"!
>
> "Well, something more than the obvious. Where you from and stuff
> like that."
>
> Arctica felt like she was being interrogated.
Joel: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
> "I... well I'm..."
>
> "Oh, don't tell me, you have some deep, dark, secret that you don't
> want nobody to know about."
Crow: Make up your mind!
>
> ~Can she read my mind?~ Arctica thought.
Tom: [singing] Does she know what it is that she does to me?
Joel: Reading her mind would be like dipping into the "See Spot Run"
primer.
> "Yeah, that's it."
Crow: That's the ticket.
>
> "Okay, all you had to do was say that. I would've understood." And
> without any more words, she left.
Joel: One thing I can appreciate here is how unlike Boromir she is...
>
> "You'll have to forgive, Spit-Fire," Specs said walking up to her.
Tom: [Amanda] Um...I'm Arctica...
> "She feels that she has to know everything about everybody. You
> should've seen her when I first joined, practically gave me the
> third degree."
Crow: [Specs] Burns, that is. When I refused to talk.
>
> "Phew, I thought it was just me."
Joel: Is asking her something a little deeper than her name all that
probing?
Tom: Hey, if you're the guy in a Celtic love song, even that will
make you run away screaming.
>
>
> Meanwhile, Target noticed Jefe was sulking. He wanted to help his
> leader.
>
> "Jefe, what's wrong?" Target asked.
Crow: [Jefe] Go away, Wal-Mart.
Tom: [Target] Target.
Crow: [Jefe] Whatever.
>
> "What makes you think there's something wrong?" Jefe came back.
Joel: Possibly the brooding. And the evil-eye thing. And the brooding.
>
> "Well, you haven't said a thing since Arctica showed up."
Tom: I'd chalk that up to poor character development.
>
> "If I have something to say, I'll say it."
>
> "Well you don't have to be so uppity."
Crow: Ooh! I sense a high-school-girly slap-fight coming!
Tom: Except they're guys.
Crow: I can dream.
>
> "Don't take what he says to heart, Target,"
Tom: Looks like his comment *hit* its *mark*! Get it? Target...mark...
[Joel and Crow groan]
> Chi said. "He's just
> upset, and with good reason."
Crow: [Chi] Do you know how aggravating it is not to have a personality?
>
> "You don't know my reasons."
Joel: You could, perhaps, tell them?
>
> "Look, Jefe, we want to help if you'll let us."
Tom: They're doing an intervention or something now.
>
> "What's the point." And before Chi and Target could respond, Jefe
> went into his alcove and shut the curtains.
Crow: [Jefe] I'll be having a little quality time with my Victoria's
Secret catalog, so don't bother me, okay?
>
> "Poor guy," Target said shaking his head.
>
> "He just hasn't been the same."
>
> "Think he'll ever be back to normal?"
>
> "Who knows, Chi, who knows."
Tom: Joel, did I miss something?
Joel: I think we all did, buddy.
CONTINUED in Part 2
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