CONTINUED from Part 1
>
>
>
> The next day, the Phoenix Team gathered in an ante room
Joel: --For their weekly poker night!
Crow: Gamblin' time!
> as Commander
> Stanton began his briefing.
Tom: I'm sure that's preferable to his *de* briefing...
Joel: Funny, I'd have guessed Commander Stanton was more of a boxers
man.
>
> "The Marauder Team are not the best team in the League, but they are
> a force to be reckoned with.
Tom: Their badness precedes them.
> Their strength lies in their numbers,
> so our best strategy is to divide their numbers
Tom: Don't they have 6 players, just like Phoenix?
Crow: Yeah, but remember, Phoenix has Arctica.
> than pick them off.
> Jefe will call the shots once you are inside."
Joel: [Jefe] Tequila, Jack Daniels, Jaeger!
>
> He turned towards Arctica. "Arctica, I know this is your first
> battle, so just watch out and obey all commands you're given.
Crow: So they're just pushing her in there without even any
practice?
Joel: No wonder they have a problem with equal numbers.
> You're given point based on your ability
Tom: Just one?
Crow: Well, look who it is.
> to take orders and adjust
> to new situations,
Tom: How do they know she can take orders when they haven't trained
her?!
> not just zapping people." Arctica nodded.
>
> "All right, let's go." Commander Stanton put his hand out.
Joel: [Stanton] But first, your Laser Tag League dues. Pay up.
> He was
> joined by Target, Chi, Specs, and Spit-Fire. Jefe added his after a
> second more. Arctica was nervous, but added hers.
>
> "Phoenix Team, go!" Everybody except Arctica shouted.
Crow: Arctica was asking, "Duh...go where?"
> The members
> of Phoenix Team got into the elevator.
Tom: And found that the car was missing, then plummeted thousands of
feet to their deaths!
>
> "What will Commander Stanton be doing?" Arctica asked Specs. She
> found him to be a safe haven, since he seemed to be the most sane of
> the bunch.
Crow: Yes, the rest just seem like raving loonies, don't they?
>
> "Commander Stanton is going to a control booth.
Joel: Just any old control booth, apparently.
> He'll oversee the
> battle from there and monitor each of us. If necessary, he'll give
> instructions to Jefe who will then relay them to us."
Tom: Again, with the unnecessary steps. Why couldn't Commander Stanton
relay everything directly to them all?
Joel: Microsoft must have designed this game.
>
> "Cool." Soon the elevator stopped. Even though the doors haven't
> opened,
Tom: They're still standing there to this day!
> they could hear the crowd cheering. The doors opened and
> Phoenix Team poured out.
Joel: I guess the elevator was set to "puree."
Tom: Must be like that scene in _The Shining_.
> A sportscaster began talking.
>
> "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming out.
Crow: [sportscaster] Welcome to the annual GLBT Laser Tag Tournament!
You all look faaaaaabulous!
> This is a Laser
> Tag Battle pairing Phoenix Team from Arizona against Marauder Team
> from New Mexico. Each team has a good number of players.
Joel: Some random number between five and six, I'll bet...
> One thing
> is that Phoenix Team has a new member, Amanda Warner, code named
> Arctica.
Joel: Does it seem odd to anyone else that the announcer just gave
Amanda's code name to the whole stadium?
Crow: Yeah, I thought the code names were supposed to fool people.
> This will be her first Laser Tag Battle, ladies and
> gentlemen, so let's encourage her."
Tom: Sounds like she's in an American Kennel Club show.
>
> "Not used to such attention?" Target asked Arctica as the crowd
> cheered.
Crow: [Target] Then you shouldn't have become a stripper, should you?
>
> "Uh... yeah," Arctica reluctantly answered. She looked across the
> field at the Marauder team. They didn't look special.
Tom: [Amanda] Wait, isn't this the Special Olympics?
> But looks
> can be deceiving.
Crow: After all, Amanda didn't look "special" either, and look at
her brain...
>
> The Hologuard projector began to glow and it appeared, in the same
> form as when Amanda first met her.
Tom: Which was what?!?
Crow: I'm picturing Kim Cattral.
Joel: You'd do that anyway.
Crow: True.
>
> "The rules are simple," it began. "The first team to accumulate
> enough points in ten minutes will win.
Tom: Uh...how many points is "enough"?
> Your actions will be
> monitored for safety purposes.
Joel: Is that like monitoring a call for quality control?
> Will both teams come forward."
> Arctica followed a little behind the others and both teams came to
> the middle of the arena and stood around the Hologuard projector.
Bots: [sing] Fra Hoo For Ay, Da Hoo Door Ay....
>
> "Aim your weapons at me."
Tom: [Hologuard] I'm so tired of this! I just want to end it all!
> The Hologuard disappeared for a minute as
> a blue beam of light circled around, touching each laser rifle's
> barrel. On the LCD, a power meter was filled up.
Crow: Yay, early-90s special effects.
>
> "Return to your sides.
Joel: I didn't realize I'd left them.
> You may begin when you hear the bell."
Crow: Begin what? Salivating like one of Pavlov's dogs?
>
> "Warning, warning,"
Tom: Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
> another voice called out. "Arena rising into
> position. Please remain off the floor until the arena has moved
> into position."
Joel: [voice] Stand on the ceiling instead!
> As it spoke, an alarm blared out, startling
> Arctica. Everybody put on their helmet.
Crow: The big, common one.
> Jefe lowered a microphone
> to his lips.
Tom: [singing, as Jefe] Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen...
>
> "Phoenix Team, confirm reception," Jefe said. "Confirmed."
>
> "Confirmed."
>
> "Confirmed."
>
> "Confirmed."
>
> "Confirmed."
Crow: [random team member] Still in catechism class.
>
> Arctica was hesitant in replying.
Joel: [Arctica] What was the question again?
>
> "Hey, Arctica, can you hear Jefe's voice in your helmet?" Spit-Fire
> asked.
Tom: [Arctica, shifty] In my...helmet...yes...my helmet...
>
> "Uh... yes, I mean confirmed." Jefe scowled at her and she known
> she messed up his check-off.
Tom: She be in trouble now.
Joel: Arr.
>
> "Jefe, this is Commander Stanton, confirm reception."
>
> "Confirmed," Jefe replied.
Crow: [Jefe] The hall's all set for your September wedding, Commander.
>
> "All right, get ready."
>
> The maze-like arena finished rising into position and a piece of
> glass covered the top.
Joel: They are now, officially, lab rats.
Tom: [sings] In spite of my rage/I am still just a rat in a cage.
> A hissing sound began as smoke filled the
> maze.
>
> "Begin," the Hologuard announced. A bell rang.
Tom: An angel got its wings.
Crow: And if it has any sense, it'll fly the hell out of here.
>
> "Target, Chi, you two with me, we're going to the left. Specs,
> Spit-Fire, you go to the right."
>
> "What about me?" Arctica asked meakly.
Crow: [Jefe] You go both ways, baby!
>
> "Cheer up, Arc," Spit-Fire said. "You can be with us." Arctica
> wondered why Jefe didn't talk to her.
Tom: He *was* just talking to her, wasn't he? Or was that communication
with Specs telepathic?
>
> Up in the command booth, Commander Stanton was wondering the same
> thing, although he thought he had a pretty good reason.
Crow: A good reason for wondering?
Joel: No, a good reason for not talking to Arctica.
>
> Specs lead the way through the smoke-filled arena. His helmet had a
> special visor attached to it that gave him good vision in place of
> his glasses.
Joel: Hey--it's Geordi LaForge!
>
> "Check your LCDs," Specs whispered. "One of their functions is
> radar, it can tell you when there are other Troopers nearby."
Tom: Again, wouldn't you think she'd get this vital information in
*training*?!
> Arctica looked down at the LCD on her laser rifle. There was a
> small switch that toggled the screen to display different functions.
Crow: A compass on the stock and a thing that tells the time...
> She toggled it to radar.
All: RADAR!
> All it showed was herself, Specs, and
> Spit-Fire.
Joel: Boy, that sure is useful radar--only shows the location of your
friends, or only works at short distances.
>
>
> Meanwhile, Jefe, Chi, and Target had taken up a positon at a
> crossroad.
>
> "Jefe, I know this isn't exactly the right time to ask, but
Joel: --will you marry me?
> why
> didn't you instruct Arctica to go somewhere?" Target asked.
Crow: [Jefe] I did. I told her to go jump in the lake.
>
> "There was no need to, she should've figured out that herself."
Tom: No, she couldn't. This is Amanda we're talking about.
>
> "Still, it's the job of Team Captain to instruct ALL members of his
> team, including newbies," Chi recited.
>
> "Shut up. Until she proves herself, I won't give her anything,"
> Jefe snapped.
Crow: Oo, he's holding out on her, man.
>
> "What's with you, man? You've been like a Scrooge ever since
> yesterday.
Tom: [Target] And let me tell you, we're all getting pretty tired of
hearing you mutter, "Bah! Humbug!"
> Why are you taking it out on Arctica?"
>
> "Target, behind you!" Chi yelled.
Joel: [Chi] Ha ha, that joke never grows old.
> Target whipped around and
> spotted a member of Marauder Team.
Tom: That doesn't sound good...
> He immediately dropped to the
> ground and fired his rifle just as the Marauder fired his.
Crow: Ugh...too many gay Boromir stories have ruined lines like that
for me.
> Jefe and
> Chi quickly fired their weapons too.
Crow: And then everyone smoked a cigarette.
Joel: You recovered fast.
> After the exchange of fire,
> the Marauder dropped onto his back
Crow: Panting, sweaty, and very happy.
> while Chi's right arm hung limp.
> Jefe toggled his LCD to status mode and pointed it at Chi.
>
> "You're arm's disabeled plus you got two hits to your chest sensor
Crow: [Jefe] Two *big* ones...oh wait, maybe those aren't hits.
> and one hit to your left leg," he reported.
>
> "It's making it difficult to lift my rifle," Chi commented.
Tom: Yes, a disabled arm usually does.
Crow: I think I see why they assigned Amanda to this team.
> Target
> then checked on the status of the Marauder.
>
> "Both legs diabeled, multiple hits to the chest region. One more
> hit and he's out."
Tom: Dude, the guy just can't handle his weed!
>
> "Let's do it." Jefe began to walk up to him.
Joel: [sings, as Jefe] Let's fall in love!
>
> "No," Chi denied.
Crow: [Chi] You promised *I* would be next!
> "He won't be much of a difference.
Tom: I might be wrong, but didn't Stanton say something about the
other team having an advantage in *numbers*...?
> It's like
> Targ said, one more hit and he's out of the game.
Joel: [Chi] He never could handle his LSD.
> Let's let someone
> else finish the job."
Tom: Like who? His own teammates?
> Jefe sighed frusteratedly.
Crow: I can commiserate.
>
> Target reconnected Chi's rifle to her belt. They then continued
> passed the down Marauder and around the corner.
Joel: [sings] Pass de Marauder on de left han' side...
>
>
> ~This is kind of scary,~ Arctica thought
Joel: Arctica thought? That *is* scary.
> as she moved through the
> maze. Several times she passed a circular area that might've been
> the center where the Hologuard projector was.
Tom: In other words, she's walking in circles.
Joel: [Chevy Chase] Look, kids! Big Ben! Parliament!
>
> "Hey, Spit-Fire, just where are..." She then realized that she was
> all alone. No Spit-Fire, no Specs, no anybody.
Joel: It's like being trapped in _Night of the Comet_!
>
> "Specs! Spit-Fire!" Arctica hissed. Nobody answered her. Arctica
> toggled her LCD but couldn't get anything that looked like a
> communication or signal.
Tom: Perhaps if she toggled it to "on"...
> Suddenly, she heard footsteps. She quickly
> toggled her rifle to radar mode.
All: RADAR!
> Sure enough, somebody was coming
> towards her current location.
Crow: Be nice if that radar could distinguish "enemy" from "friend", eh?
> She toggled her rifle back to normal
> and took aim in the direction.
Joel: I'd say she missed "normal" by a good piece, wouldn't you?
>
> ~This is my chance to prove myself to the others,~ she thought. She
> kept her aim straight ahead.
Tom: Unfortunately, the enemy was to her right, and she missed. Awww!
> Soon, a shadow began to appear through
> the smoke and a sensor vest light illuminated. Arctica opened fire
> on it.
Joel: [Amanda] Kill the light! Kill! Kill! Kill!
> The body fell back and the sensor vest light went dark.
>
> "Yes," Arctica said. "My first disabeling." She ran forward to
> check out who she shot.
Crow: [Amanda] Wow--he sure is hot!
>
> And stopped dead in her tracks.
Tom: Because she ran into the South-going Zax?
>
> The person she disabeled was Spit-Fire.
Joel: Murphy's Combat Law #26: The only thing more accurate than
incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
>
> Dropping her rifle, Arctica ran to Spit-Fire. "Spit-Fire, I'm
> sorry, if I'd known... I mean I thought..."
All: NO, YOU DIDN'T!
> Specs ran up to them
> and checked her out.
Crow: [Specs] 32-26-34? About a B-cup, maybe?
>
> "Completely disabeled," he concluded.
>
> "Spit-Fire, I'm so sorry," Arctica said.
Crow: Yes. Yes, you are.
>
> "No, I guess part of it is my fault, I should've called out or
> something."
>
> "No, it's all my fault."
All: [sing] Some people claim that there's a woman to blame/But I know/
It's all my fault.
>
> "This is Jefe," came the voice over their helmet radios. "There's 5
> minutes left."
Joel: Jefe doubles as an ACT timer on his off days.
>
> Arctica looked at her rifle's power readout. It was down to 50%.
>
> "Specs, what's this mean?"
Tom: It means your rifle's down to 50%!!! She's so stupid, it hurts!
> Specs, after fending off a Marauder,
[All start humming the Star Trek fight theme]
> checked it out.
>
> "You disabeled one of your own players," Specs explained.
Joel: As one would explain something to a child of two.
> "As
> punishment, your rifle goes down in power. It means that you won't
> get as many points as you will when it's at full power. If you do
> it again, you're rifle will lose all its power and you'll be
> disqualified from the match."
Joel: I've had that experience before....
>
> "Oh God."
Crow: If He was paying attention, this story wouldn't be happening, so
nyah.
>
> "Hey, would you mind crying somewhere else, I'm trying to
Tom: [Spit-Fire] --comprehend how you can be so utterly stupid.
> be
> disabeled here," Spit-Fire called from the ground.
Crow: Why don't you try being a deaf-mute, then?
>
> "Come on, Arctica, let's try to get to the Marauder's side of the
> field. Spit-Fire will be all right. Nobody will shoot at her now
> that she's disabeled."
Tom: At least they're kind to their handicapped people here.
> Arctica still couldn't believe she disabeled
> one of her own teammates. Not the first impression she wanted to
> make.
Joel: She'd hoped to knock them dead with her Bill Clinton!
>
> Arctica threw down her rifle. "I can't... I'm sorry, Specs, I
> can't."
Tom: [Amanda] I just don't love you!
>
> ~Jefe's not going to like this,~ Specs thought.
Crow: [Specs] He was looking forward to it!
> "All right, you
> stay here, I'll go on ahead." And then he took off.
Tom: Into the stratosphere!
>
> Specs hurried down hallways and around corners. His radar detected
> somebody approaching.
Crow: Perhaps it's the Vagueness Police.
> He ran around the corner, but it turned out
> to be Jefe, Chi, and Target.
Tom: Makes you wonder who, exactly, he was hoping for?
>
> "Specs, where are Spit-Fire and Arctica?" Chi asked. She knew that
> Jefe would only ask about Spit-Fire.
Joel: You'd think he'd want to know where Amanda was so he didn't get
shot, too.
>
> "I'll tell you later," Specs replied as two Marauders came around
> the corner that Specs just came from.
Tom: So they were sneaking up behind him that whole time?
> Jefe, Target, and Specs all
> opened fire. They disabeled the right side of one Marauder and
> caused major damage to the other.
Joel: This reads like an anti-matter version of _Ender's Game_.
> The Marauders were on the
> retreat. Those players that could walk, had to stagger to find
> their way back to their territory.
Crow: Lots of "shots," eh?
Tom: [sings] Show me the way to go home...
>
> "Jefe, this is Commander Stanton, ten seconds left. Stay your
> ground."
>
> "Roger. All right, people, we'll make a stand here." Those ten
> seconds seemed like an eternity.
All: TELL US ABOUT IT!!!
> Finally, the smoke cleared. Specs
> managed to disabel
Tom: [Specs] You kiss-up brother of Cain!
> a Marauder's firing arm just as the clock reached
> zero.
>
> The glass room was removed and the maze walls began lowering into
> the ground.
Joel: [Laser Tag players] We're free! Free! FREEEEEEEE!!!!!
>
> "The Phoenix Team has accumulated 95 points. The Marauder Team has
> accumulated 105 points. The winner is the Marauder Team."
Tom: So I guess "enough" points is a random number between 96 and 105.
> There
> was polite clapping as the crowd began to leave.
Joel: The crowd all thought this was the boringest match ever, too,
apparently.
> Arctica was
> kneeling by Spit-Fire saying over, and over, "I'm sorry."
Crow: [Arctica] I'll make it up to you later...when we're alone....
Joel: Ack! You're giving me "Warrior's Lament" flashbacks.
>
> "Arctica accidentally disabeled Spit-Fire," Specs explained.
Tom: Apparently he's a distant descendent of Basil Exposition.
>
> "What!" Spit-Fire was already being carted off.
Joel: [chants] To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the
time...
> Jefe ran over to
> Arctica and gripped her tightly by the wrist; he yanked her to
> standing position.
Crow: Oo, he likes it rough!
>
> "You stupid idiot!
Joel: [Ren Hoek] You eeeediot!
> Can't you even tell your own teammates from the
> enemy? Or did you do that delibrately!"
>
> "No! I never meant to hurt her!" Arctica protested.
Tom: [Arctica] But what do you expect when I've had *no training*?!
>
> "Well that's worse! I can't believe they allowed a worthless
> throwback like you
Crow: Hey now--has evolution really progressed that much in sixty years?
> to be part of a Laser Tag Team! You might as
> well go back to wherever you came from!"
Joel: [Arctica] Fine, bring me 100 gallons of water and a deep
freeze.
> That comment was like a
> punch in the gut for Arctica. She threw her helmet, sensor vest,
> and belt off and ran into the arena seating.
Crow: Streaking! Woo-hoo!
>
> "Arctica, wait," Chi protested.
>
> "It's Amanda, just Amanda," came the reply.
Tom: Great--she's now forgotten her own name!
>
> "Well I hope you're happy," Target said scowling at Jefe. "Not only
> did we lose the match, but we lost a player too. Darn it, Jefe,
> she's not Athena!"
>
> "That's right, she's not!
Crow: [Jefe] Athena was competent!
> She's just a "replacement" for her. The
> Global Laser Tag League Council is shoving this newbie down our
> throats,
[All cover their eyes]
> when Amy hasn't been gone a month."
Tom: [Hamlet] And yet, within a month! Let me not think on't. Frailty,
thy name is the Global Laser Tag League Council.
>
> "You know, Jefe, maybe if you spent more time trying to help Arctica
> be a part of the team, and less time being a snake in the you know
> what,
Crow: Pants?
Joel: Crow...
> we wouldn't have lost the match."
Tom: Finally--someone with sense!
> That came from, to
> everybody's surprise, Specs. But he already said it so he might as
> well go the full distance.
Tom: He's going the distance.
Crow: He's going for speed.
Joel: She's all alone. All alone in her time of need.
>
> "You think that the Global Laser Tag League is trying to replace
> Athena with Arctica.
Joel: As far as I can tell, that's exactly what they're doing.
> Well I don't feel that having Arctica around
> is replacing Athena, it's just means we getting a new member.
Crow: [Specs] In place of Athena. Guess that *is* replacing, huh?
> But
> you were too shallow to realize it. Arctica doesn't even know about
> her! How can she willingly replace someone she doesn't even know?"
Tom: It might help if *we* knew her...
>
> The others were surprised at Specs' outburst. "I'm sorry, guys, I
> just blew up there."
All: Eeewww!!
>
> "Don't be sorry," Chi said putting her arm around the younger kid.
Crow: [Chi] Be available...
> "If anybody should apologize, it's Jefe for being such a spoiled
> little brat."
>
> "Come on, guys, let's see if Spit-Fire's received the injection
> yet."
Crow: She'll be in a better mood after she gets some smack.
> The other three Troopers left the arena leaving Jefe there
> alone.
>
>
[They get up and leave the theater. Door sequence.]
CONCLUDED in Part 3
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