CONTINUED from Part 2
[SoL. Joel is at the counter, leafing through a booklet with the words
"Do-It-Yourself Satellite Maintenance" on the cover. Tom enters, wearing
a welder's mask tilted back on his dome.]
Tom: Whatcha reading, Joel?
Joel: Huh? Oh, it's just a manual on how to keep this place running
smoothly.
Tom: A manual? Joel, you should know you don't need a manual to fix
things. You don't need a manual to fix anything!
Joel: Whatever gave you that idea?
Tom: Today's experiment, of course! Amanda didn't have any training at
all, and she went out there and played laser tag with the best of
'em!
Joel: She screwed up and shot her own teammate.
Tom: Yeah, well, practice makes perfect, right?
Joel: So--dare I ask what it is you're doing now, Tom?
Tom: Why, sure! I'm welding a bold and adventurous steel sculpture! If
you want me, I'll be in the high-oxygen chamber.
[He starts to head offscreen]
Joel: You'll blow yourself to smithereens!
Tom: [calling out as he walks away] Practice makes perfect!
Joel: Tom--!
[Crow enters from the other side of the screen, carrying a tray of pink
things.]
Crow: Hey, Joel, I just made a big plate of sushi. Wanna try some?
[Joel takes one and eats it.]
Joel: Hey, this is really good, Crow. What kind is it?
Crow: Blowfish.
Joel: Isn't blowfish highly toxic if not prepared by an experienced chef?
Crow: [laughs heartily] It is, but I figured that if Amanda Warner can
play laser tag without training, surely I could make blowfish
sushi.
Joel: I don't feel so well.
[He falls to the floor with an unceremonious "thud." Gypsy rolls in and
looks down at him.]
Gypsy: Oh, goody! I was just thinking I'd like to try CPR, and here's a
case all ready for me!
Crow: Ooh--if he needs a tracheotomy, let me know.
[There is a loud explosion from offstage and Tom enters, blackened with
soot. His welding mask is down.]
Tom: Well, that didn't work out quite like--hey! What's wrong with Joel?
Gypsy: Badly-prepared blowfish sushi.
Tom: Stand back! I'm trained in CPR.
Crow: Your arms don't work.
Tom: I've learned to cope.
[The bots give Tom some space, and he appears to be rhythmically beating
Joel with his dome. A wad of pink flies up over all of them and smashes
against the back wall, sticking there.]
Joel: [sitting up] Th...thanks, buddy. I was choking. That's what I get
for trying to talk with my mouth full.
Crow: You should never do that, Joel. It isn't safe.
[Lights and sirens]
All: And we got Experience is the Greatest Teacher Sign!
[Door sequence]
[They enter the theater and sit down.]
> Amanda sat on a bench outside the Phoenix Laser Tag Stadium. Phoenix
> looked like it never changed.
Crow: Only once every 500 years, when it rises from the ashes...
> Whether it was 1960 or 2060, some things
> would never change.
Joel: Interesting that Amanda would know that, as she wasn't even alive
in 1960.
Tom: Plus she had amnesia and didn't remember what New York looked
like.
>
> Amanda freed her hair from the hair band
Joel: [Amanda] Curse this Aqua Net! Now *I'm* a permanent member of
Warrant!
> as she wondered about what to
> do next. She couldn't go back to Antarctica,
Crow: And she would want to...why?
> and she was too young to
> live on her own.
Tom: Too young? She's 75!
>
> "Is this seat taken?" Amanda looked up to see Jefe standing there, in
> street clothes.
Crow: Phew! I thought he'd be standing there naked or something.
Joel: God forbid you *describe* the clothes or anything....
>
> "Do whatever you want."
Crow: Boy, she's easy.
> Jefe sat down on the edge.
Joel: He's to the X-Treme!
> For a minute, nobody
> talked.
Tom: You see--right there's the difference between this story and that
Boromir number...
>
> "Her name was Amy," Jefe blurted out suddenly.
Crow: He's channeling spirits from another dimension...
> Amanda looked up at him,
> started from his words.
Tom: And finished off at his facial expressions.
>
> "What?"
Crow: And that pretty much sums up Amanda right there...
>
> "Amy Howard. She was a member of Phoenix Team before you came along."
>
> "That's right," Amanda said staring at the ground.
Tom: [Amanda] And that, over there, is left. I think.
> "Hologuard told me
> that a member left your group."
>
> "She didn't leave," Jefe explained. "She was killed."
Crow: [Jefe] But she didn't leave. We've got her dead body stuffed in a
closet.
>
> "What? But..."
>
> "We told the Global Laser Tag League that she left us,
Joel: [Jefe] We figured we'd get a better palimony settlement that way.
> and in a way she
> did,
Crow: [Amanda] I heard she said "I've had it and I'm leaving for good!"
Joel: [Jefe] She didn't mean it.
> but the truth is she was killed. We don't know how, why, or by whom?
Tom: Why is he asking Amanda? Like she'd know...
Crow: Tell me about it! She can't even remember her *own* past.
> All we know is that after a match, I came looking for her. I found her
> body on the arena floor. At first, I thought she was disabeled and
hadn't
> gotten around to taking an injection yet.
Crow: She died from withdrawl from not getting her smack.
> But when I tried to wake her,
> she wouldn't respond."
Tom: Maybe she was just ignoring you!
>
> "I... I'm sorry."
>
> "Her code name was Athena. She was very optimistic, very fun to be
> around. She was always the light of the group.
All: [sing] This little light o' mine/I'm gonna let it shine...
> Even when we were on a
> losing streak, she would always find a way to cheer everybody up.
Tom: [Jefe] Her Steven Urkel impressions were a scream!
> When
> she died, it was like that light was gone forever."
>
> "I suppose you thought I was trying to replace her."
Tom: You *were*. Duh!
>
> "Yeah, I did. That's her hair band you're wearing."
Joel: C'mon, guys, Warrant can have more than one fan...
>
> "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know... here." She thrust the hair band into
> his hands. He gave it back to her.
Tom: [Jefe] Warrant is sooo 1986!
>
> "You keep it.
Tom: [Jefe] It might come in handy if you're sucked into an alternate
dimension and end up working at the Bathhouse of the Gods.
> Spit-Fire doesn't need one
Joel: [Jefe] Since she's decided to shave her head totally bald...
Tom: Maybe she's a big Sinead O'Connor fan.
> and Chi doesn't want one.
Crow: [Jefe] She's much more Goth these days.
> Amanda... I should be the one to say 'sorry.' I was holding a grudge I
> shouldn't have been holding in the first place.
Joel: [Jefe] I should have let *you* hold it!
> I was so disappointed
> about Amy that I blindly took it out on you.
Tom: Cute music, pull back, roll credits? Please?
>
> "Amanda, the others want you to come back to us.
Crow: Come baaaaack....come baaaack.....baaack to the world of the
living....
> And... I guess I do
> too.
Joel: Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Enthusiasm.
> I mean... the team just won't be the team without all its
> members, even you."
Tom: Thank you, Mr. Backhanded Compliment.
>
> Amanda stood up and turned her back to him. "Why... why should I come
> back if you're just going to keep ignoring me?"
Tom: Again, she's a little slow. He's talking to you now, you ditz-
brain!
>
> "Okay, I deserved that,
Crow: He's channeling Jack Sparrow.
> I know. I promise to be more respective to you in
> the future.
Joel: So when she's standing by the wall, he'll also be standing by the
wall. Each in his or her place.
> So please come back to us, Amanda."
Tom: Is Jefe using the royal we?
>
> "Jefe... one thing." Jefe looked up at her. "Call me Arctica."
Tom: Wait--didn't Jefe just ask her to call *him* Arctica?
> When she
> turned around, there was a smile on her face.
>
> "Sure thing, Arctica." The two shook hands to cement the deal.
Tom: The mysterious, code-name-switching deal...
>
> "Um... Jefe, I'm definitely going to need some help improving my skills,
[Crow opens his beak]
Joel: No, Crow.
> I'd like yours and the other's help."
Crow: But--!
Joel: No.
>
> "Of course, we'll all be willing to help," Jefe said.
[Crow makes a strangled little noise.]
> "If you don't mind
> taking a little constructive criticism."
Tom: [Jefe] For a start, you French-kiss like a Saint Bernard!
Joel: Tom!
Tom: You only said Crow couldn't do it!
>
>
>
> And so, with the help of the other members of Phoenix Team, Arctica
began
> honing her Laser Tag skills.
Crow: Yeah..."Laser Tag" skills...
Joel: [sighs] I give up.
> She improved her targeting abilities by
> using a virtual target range set up by Specs and Target.
Tom: Anyone else see the irony that Target is setting up the targeting
range, or am I just grasping at straws?
> Jefe and
> Spit-Fire helped improve her speed by making her run through the maze
and
> take shots at set-up targets.
Joel: They got an "A" on the project for science class, too!
> And Chi helped her learn how to control her
> emotions a little better.
Crow: [Arctica] ...Teachings of Surak? What the hell?
>
> Arctica, for her part, tried her best to listen to their teachings.
Tom: It was fine, except that they all kept calling her "grasshopper."
Crow: Notice it says she *tried* to listen, not that she succeeded.
> It
> definitely wasn't easy, but slowly and surely, she got better.
Tom: I'll imagine that's more slowly than surely.
>
>
>
> "All right, people," Commander Stanton called. "This is it, our match
> against the Panther Team.
Crow: I thought they only played West Coast teams?
> They're pretty good, so watch your backs and
> each other.
Joel: The part of Commander Stanton will now be played by Jerry Springer.
> Good luck."
>
> "Right," Phoenix Team announced.
Crow: No, Amanda. Your *other* right.
> They took the elevator down to the
> locker room. Once there, each of them went to their personal lockers.
Tom: As opposed to their communal locker?
> They began getting ready, zipping up their jumpsuits and putting on
their
> boots. Arctica pulled her hair into a pony tail using the hair band she
> found in her alcove that first day while Chi stood in silent meditation,
Joel: You know, if Chi was standing there when Amanda found the hair
band, couldn't she have mentioned whose it was?
> gathering her mental energies for the oncoming battle.
Tom: The part of Chi will now be played by Jean Grey.
>
> After that, it was to the equipment room. There were their sensor
vests,
> belts, rifles, and helmets. Arctica bobbed her head so that her pony
tail
> landed on top of her head.
Crow: You'd think she'd just use her hands.
> She then put her helmet on. Specs made sure
> the visor on his helmet was working properly.
Joel: But no one else did, so they all walked right into each other while
Specs stood and laughed at them.
>
> Going through the elevator, they rode up to the stadium.
Tom: How? They walked right through the elevator! Was there a
staircase behind it that I missed?
> The Panther Team
> were already there, awaiting their arrival.
>
> "This Laser Tag League match puts the Phoenix Team versus the Panther
> Team. Standard League rules apply, the first to accumulate the most
> points in ten minutes is the winner.
Tom: I thought the standard was just "enough" points?
> Both teams approach the center," the
> Hologuard instructed. The teams did likewise.
Joel: It's like old schoolhouse rote learning. First the Hologuard says
it, and then the teams repeat it.
> "Please point your rifles
> at me." The blue signal beam touched each of the rifles, powering them
> up. "Return to your sides and prepare to battle."
>
> The Phoenix Team ran back to their side. Jefe lowered his microphone.
> "Phoenix Team, confirm reception."
Tom: [Random team member] It'll be in the Knights of Columbus Hall at
3 p.m. on the 28th.
>
> "Confirmed."
>
> "Confirmed."
>
> "Confirmed."
>
> "Confirmed."
>
> "Confirmed."
>
> "Confirmed," Jefe finished out. "Commander Stanton, reception
confirmed.
Tom: [Stanton] Oh, goody--those halls are so hard to book at such short
notice!
> Confirm reception in control booth."
>
> "Confirmed, Jefe," Commander Stanton came back. "Good luck."
>
> "All right, Phoenix Team, let's do it."
All: [sing] Let's fall in love!
> Everybody put their hands into
> the center.
Crow: And a right-hand star! Now allemande left and do-si-do!
>
> "Phoenix Team, go!"
Tom: ...home?
>
> The maze was risen
Joel: The maze will come again, hallelujah.
> and the glass room enclosed. The arena was filled with
> smoke and the helmet lights were turned on.
>
> The bell rang.
Joel: This is getting to be less and less like laser tag and more and
more
like Mass.
>
> "All right, let's go. Pair formation," Jefe instructed. "Specs with
me,
> Target with Chi, Arctica with Spit-Fire.
Crow: Looks like Target and Chi are the only straight ones on the team.
> three-pronged formation, go!"
> The group set out to perform the plan.
Tom: *That's* the plan?!
>
> It wasn't long before Arctica and Spit-Fire came
Crow: I thought women were supposed to last longer than men?
Joel: Consider yourself warned, Crow.
Crow: Done, and done.
> across their first two
> Panther Team members. The two girls immediately used their strategy, the
> cross-target. It involved aiming at the opponent opposite your
teammate.
Tom: Wow. What a clever strategy.
> The strategy worked. Spit-Fire disabeled one and Arctica disabeled both
> arms on her opponent.
>
> Arctica hurried behind Spit-Fire, watching their back. She was glad to
> discover this game, this experience.
Joel: This sceptred isle, this seat of kings...
> Laser Tag.
>
>
>
[They stand up and leave. Door sequence.]
[SoL Bridge. Joel, Tom, and Crow are all dressed in classic "Sherlock
Holmes" style with deerstalker caps. Joel holds a magnifying glass, Crow
has a pipe attached to his lower beak, and Tom wears a miniature Inverness
cape.]
Joel: Tonight on Satellite Mystery Theater, we're here to examine the
case of "Who Killed Athena?"
Tom: This is a case that has puzzled even her nearest and dearest former
friends.
Crow: Everyone's a suspect!
Joel: Right! But tonight we're going to get to the bottom of it. I'll
ask my esteemed colleague Mr. Servo to present his theory first.
Tom: Thank you. I believe that the killer was Shana O'Connor, alias
"Spitfire." Well-known for her quick temper, she was doubtless
jealous of the special friendship between Athena and the team
leader, Jeffrey "Jefe" Peterson.
Joel: A fine supposition, Mr. Servo. And now, Mr. Crow T. Robot?
Crow: No, no, that's a fine theory Mr. Servo, but hopelessly incorrect.
Tom: Oh, really? And I suppose you have a better one?
Crow: Certainly. The attack was committed in the midst of a laser tag
match and made to look like an accident. This points to the
planning of a subtle mind, someone who could maintain an innocent
and sane facade whilst plotting mayhem.
Joel: Innocent *and* sane? You ask a lot, Mr. Robot.
Crow: And who in the group was known for being mild-mannered and sane?
Why, none other than Alfred Visard, aka "Specs." There's your
killer, Mr. Servo.
Joel: Excellent theories, both of you, but I believe I have an even
better candidate. Who had the ultimate alibi, being in plain
sight the whole time? Who could assume any disguise at will?
Who had a link--a rapport, even--with all the laser tag players?
Who had every opportunity to tamper with the laser guns during
the opening ceremonies?
Crow: Why, that--that's impossible!
Joel: Ah, but once the improbabilities have been eliminated, then what
remains, no matter how impossible, must be the true answer. Yes,
the real killer was...the Hologuard!
[Tom and Crow gasp.]
Tom: By Jove, I believe you've cracked it!
Joel: [turning to face Cambot] What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. The lights are dimmed. Frank and Dr. Forrester are sitting on
the couch, enjoying cups of coffee while watching the light show from the
laser percolator.]
Frank: Y'know, maybe we should fix this so it plays music too.
Dr. F: That's silly, Frank. Whoever heard of a musical percolator?
Frank: I think I saw a Zepplin concert once that kinda looked like this
does...
[SoL]
Joel: Uh...sirs?
[Deep 13. Frank and Dr. Forrester seem oblivious.]
Dr. F: But the percolating sound alone is kind of soothing, don't you
think?
Frank: It really is kind of peaceful....
Frank: It does have a babbling-brookish quality.
[SoL]
Joel: Hello?
[He taps the screen.]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Push the button, Frank. Let's just enjoy the mellow atmosphere
for a while.
Frank: Groovy.
[He pushes the button.]
\ | /
\ | /
----o----
/ | \
/ | \
Thanks to Sarah Heiner and DadyTengu for pre-reading and providing
additional riffs.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2003 by Best Brains,
Inc. All rights reserved. "Laser Tag" belongs to Phantom 1, who was
a really good sport about letting us MiST it.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the
original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., or
Phantom 1 is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are
implied or should be inferred.
> "The rules are simple," it began. "The first team to accumulate
> enough points in ten minutes will win."
|
