A MiSTing of President George W. Bush's 2004 State Of The Union Address:
Tom: How many times do you think he'll mention terror?
Crow: At least fifteen.
Mike: Maybe more.
Mr Speaker, Vice President Cheney, Members of Congress, distinguished
guests, and fellow citizens:
Crow: Does that include us?
Mike: Nope
Tom: Good
America this evening is a nation called to great responsibilities. And we
are rising to meet them.
Tom (Singing): To dream... the impossible dream!
As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and
women are deployed across the world in the war on terror.
Crow: That's one use of Terror!
*Mike makes note*
By bringing hope to the oppressed, and delivering justice to the violent,
they are making America more secure.
Tom: Who cares about global stability, as long as we're secure.
Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking
terrorist threats;
Mike: Some guy named Abdul is buying fertalizer.
Tom: To the Homeland Security-Mobile!
All: *hum Batman theme*
analysts are examining airline passenger lists;
Crow: Hey! This guy ordered the Halal meal.
Tom: Cancel the flight!
the men and women of our new homeland security department are patrolling
our coasts and borders. And their vigilance is protecting America.
Mike: Protect us from ourselves. That's the American way.
Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the
world. The American economy is growing stronger. The tax relief you passed
is working.
Crow: As long as you make over 100k a year.
Tonight, members of Congress can take pride in great works of compassion
and reform that sceptics had thought impossible. You are raising the
standards of our public schools;
Tom: Says the man who ruined Texas' educational system
Crow: "Is our children learning?"
and you are giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage under
Medicare.
Mike: Please vote for me, old folks!
We have faced serious challenges together and now we face a choice. We can
go forward with confidence and resolve -
Tom: Or you can vote Democrat
or we can turn back to the dangerous illusion that terrorists are not
plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us.
Tom: Same thing.
We can press on with economic growth, and reforms in education and
Medicare -
Mike: Or you can vote Democrat
or we can turn back to the old policies and old divisions.
Mike: Same thing
We have not come all this way - through tragedy, and trial, and war - only
to falter and leave our work unfinished. Americans are rising to the tasks
of history, and they expect the same of us.
Crow: Which is why I'm declaring martial law.
In their efforts, their enterprise, and their character, the American
people are showing that the state of our union is confident and strong.
Tom: Oh, come on... Enterprise is not confident and strong
Mike: Nothing but cheap rehashed plots every week
Defending America
Tom: Acting tough against a vague threat!
Our greatest responsibility is the active defence of the American people.
Crow: By killing Arabs.
Twenty-eight months have passed since September 11, 2001 - over two years
without an attack on American soil - and it is tempting to believe that
the danger is behind us.
Crow: It's not, but you're not helping.
That hope is understandable, comforting - and false. The killing has
continued in Bali, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Mombasa, Jerusalem,
Istanbul, and Baghdad.
Tom: And soon, we'll be joining the fray!
Mike: Manifest Destiny is our destiny!
Crow: Go EAST, young man!
The terrorists continue to plot against America and the civilised world.
And by our will and courage, this danger will be defeated.
Tom: Two!
*Mike makes another note
Inside the United States, where the war began, we must continue to give
homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to
defend us.
Mike (As Bush): Like... guns...
And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal
law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to
disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets.
Crow: As well as you, and your family.
Tom: Bill Of Rights? Who needs it?!
For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug
traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are
even more important for hunting terrorists.
Crow: Three!
*Mike makes another note.*
Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year.
*All cheer*
The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. Our law enforcement
needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens - you need to renew
the Patriot Act.
Tom: And we need to crush your rights. It's all for your own good.
America is on the offensive against the terrorists who started this war.
Last March, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, a mastermind of September 11th, awoke
to find himself in the custody of US and Pakistani authorities. Last
August 11th brought the capture of the terrorist Hambali, who was a key
player in the attack in Indonesia that killed over 200 people.
Mike: Where's that Bin Laden fellow, though.
Crow: I'm sure he'll get to it by October.
Tom: Also, four!
*Mike makes note*
We are tracking al-Qaeda around the world, and nearly two-thirds of their
known leaders have now been captured or killed. Thousands of very skilled
and determined military personnel are on a manhunt, going after the
remaining killers who hide in cities and caves and, one by one, we will
bring the terrorists to justice.
Mike: Five! *makes note*
Crow & Tom: Woo!
Regime change
Crow: Begins at home!
As part of the offensive against terror,
Tom: Six!
we are also confronting the regimes that harbour and support terrorists,
Crow: Seven!
*Mike makes two notes*
and could supply them with nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons. The
United States and our allies are determined: We refuse to live in the
shadow of this ultimate danger.
Mike: Feel free to live in the shadow of my danger though.
The first to see our determination were the Taleban, who made Afghanistan
the primary training base of al-Qaeda killers.
Tom: Also, they wouldn't let us build an oil pipeline through their land.
As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free
elections and full participation by women.
Tom: Whether they follow it is another matter.
Mike: And do we care?
All: Hell no!
Businesses are opening, health care centres are being established, and the
boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school.
With help from the new Afghan army, our coalition is leading aggressive
raids against surviving members of the Taleban and al-Qaeda. The men and
women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free, and proud, and
fighting terror, and America is honoured to be their friend.
Crow: Eight!
*Mike makes another note*
Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States,
Great Britain, Australia, Poland, and other countries enforced the demands
of the United Nations, ended the rule of Saddam Hussein, and the people of
Iraq are free.
Mike: Free to work for Haliburton!
Having broken the Baathist regime, we face a remnant of violent Saddam
supporters. Men who ran away from our troops in battle are now dispersed
and attack from the shadows.
These killers, joined by foreign terrorists,
Tom: Nine!
*Mike makes ANOTHER note*
are a serious, continuing danger. Yet we are making progress against them.
The once all-powerful ruler of Iraq was found in a hole, and now sits in a
prison cell. Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have
captured or killed 45. Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600
patrols a day, and conducting an average of 180 raids every week. We are
dealing with these thugs in Iraq, just as surely as we dealt with Saddam
Hussein's evil regime.
Crow: And... Osama?
Mike: Shh, darling.
The work of building a new Iraq is hard, and it is right. And America has
always been willing to do what it takes for what is right. Last January,
Iraq's only law was the whim of one brutal man.
Tom (as Bush): Now it's the whim of another brutal man. Me.
Crow (as Bush): Damn I'm smooth.
Today our coalition is working with the Iraqi Governing Council to draft a
basic law, with a bill of rights. We are working with Iraqis and the United
Nations to prepare for a transition to full Iraqi sovereignty by the end of
June.
Mike: Depending on when we get the oil fields repaired. Gotta prioritize!
As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in
their power to spread violence and fear. They are trying to shake the will
of our country and our friends, but the United States of America will never
be intimidated by thugs and assassins. The killers will fail, and the Iraqi
people will live in freedom.
Tom: It's new Freedom Lite!
Crow: Half the liberty of real freedom, with none of the fear!
Mike: You'll never know the difference.
Month by month, Iraqis are assuming more responsibility for their own
security and their own future. And tonight we are honored to welcome one
of Iraq's most respected leaders: the current President of the Iraqi
Governing Council, Adnan Pachachi.
Mike: Give it up, folks!
All: WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
Sir, America stands with you and the Iraqi people as you build a free and
peaceful nation.
Crow: Can they see the strings?
Because of American leadership and resolve, the world is changing for the
better. Last month, the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose
and dismantle all of his regime's weapons of mass destruction programmes,
including a uranium enrichment project for nuclear weapons.
Tom: We're going to bomb the shit out of them anyway, though.
Colonel Gaddaffi correctly judged that his country would be better off,
and far more secure, without weapons of mass murder.
Mike (as Bush): Er... destruction... er..
Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great
Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did
not. And one reason is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be
credible, and no one can now doubt the word of America.
Tom: I doubt it.
Crow: As do I
Mike: Thirded.
Different threats require different strategies.
Mike: Some call for saturation bombing
Tom: Some for land invasion
Crow: And then there's the big, red, button!
Along with nations in the region, we are insisting that North Korea
eliminate its nuclear programme. America and the international community
are demanding that Iran meet its commitments and not develop nuclear
weapons. America is committed to keeping the world's most dangerous
weapons out of the hands of the world's most dangerous regimes.
Mike: Except us.
'Coalition of nations'
When I came to this rostrum on September 20th, 2001, I brought the police
shield of a fallen officer, my reminder of lives that ended, and a task
that does not end.
Crow: War is Peace!
I gave to you and to all Americans my complete commitment to securing our
country and defeating our enemies.
Mike: Remember, foreingers are evil.
And this pledge, given by one, has been kept by many. You in the Congress
have provided the resources for our defence, and cast the difficult votes
of war and peace.
Tom (as Bush): Except for you treasonist bastard liberal Democrats.
Our closest allies have been unwavering.
Mike: Such as the UK, and uh...
Crow: Hmm...
Tom: Uh...
America's intelligence personnel and diplomats have been skilled and
tireless.
Crow: We're not hurting by firing the two gay Arabic translators. Nope!
And the men and women of the American military, they have taken the
hardest duty. We have seen their skill and courage in armoured charges and
midnight raids and lonely hours on faithful watch. We have seen the joy
when they return, and felt the sorrow when one is lost.
Mike: Now, about that paycut...
Tom: Ooh...
I have had the honour of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts,
from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific, to a mess hall in Baghdad.
Tom (as Bush): These publicity stunts have paved the way to making me look
really damn good.
Many of our troops are listening tonight. And I want you and your families
to know: America is proud of you. And my administration, and this Congress,
will give you the resources you need to fight and win the war on terror.
All: TEN! WHOO!
*Mike makes a note*
I know that some people question if America is really in a war at all.
They view terrorism more as a crime, a problem to be solved mainly with
law enforcement and indictments.
Crow: Might that be because it is?
After the World Trade Center was first attacked in 1993, some of the
guilty were indicted, tried, convicted, and sent to prison. But the matter
was not settled. The terrorists were still training and plotting in other
nations, and drawing up more ambitious plans.
Tom: Eleven!
*Mike makes another note*
After the chaos and carnage of September 11th, it is not enough to serve
our enemies with legal papers. The terrorists and their supporters
declared war on the United States, and war is what they got.
Tom: Does he know that you can only declare war on a nation, not a group?
Crow: Would it change his mind?
Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation
of Iraq. Objections to war often come from principled motives.
Mike: And delusional Anti-American attitudes.
But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in
power. We are seeking all the facts -
Tom: You mean, making up all the facts.
already the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass
destruction-related programme activities and significant amounts of
equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations.
Crow: We haven't found it yet, but we will!
Had we failed to act, the dictator's weapons of mass destruction
programmes would continue to this day.
Mike: Maybe.
Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been
revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations and encouraging
defiance by dictators around the world.
Crow: Yeah, that Castro's been itchin' for a fight
Tom: How about that Kim Jong-Il?
Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims, terrified and
innocent. The killing fields of Iraq, where hundreds of thousands of men,
women, and children vanished into the sands, would still be known only to
the killers.
Mike: China, though? They're okay by me!
For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein's
regime is a better and safer place.
Crow: For some.
Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalised. This
particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain,
Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain,
Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands,
Norway, El Salvador, and the 17 other countries that have committed troops
to Iraq.
Mike: I didn't know some of those countries HAD armies!
Crow: I bet the other 17 are little independant tropical islands or
something.
As we debate at home, we must never ignore the vital contributions of our
international partners, or dismiss their sacrifices. From the beginning,
America has sought international support for operations in Afghanistan and
Iraq, and we have gained much support.
Tom: Not from anyone that matters on the International Stage, but we have
support.
There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many
nations, and submitting to the objections of a few. America will never
seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country.
Crow: Woah!
Tom: Big foul here!
Mike: Read the Constitution, George!
Crow: You need Congress to let you declare war!
Tom: Yeah!
*All boo loudly*
Middle East democracy
Mike: Not in your lifetime!
We also hear doubts that democracy is a realistic goal for the greater
Middle East, where freedom is rare. Yet it is mistaken, and condescending,
to assume that whole cultures and great religions are incompatible with
liberty and self-government.
Tom: That's why I do it.
Mike: Puppet rules for all!
Crow: The USA is... MASTER OF PUPPETS, PULLING THE STRINGS, YEAAAAH!
I believe that God has planted in every human heart the desire to live in
freedom. And even when that desire is crushed by tyranny for decades, it
will rise again.
*All boo*
Tom (as God): Hey, don't go dragging ME into this.
As long as the Middle East remains a place of tyranny, despair, and anger,
it will continue to produce men and movements that threaten the safety of
America and our friends. So America is pursuing a forward strategy of
freedom in the greater Middle East. We will challenge the enemies of
reform, confront the allies of terror, and expect a higher standard from
our friends.
Crow: 12!
*Mike makes a note.*
To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda,
Mike: We're making our own propaganda!
the Voice of America and other broadcast services are expanding their
programming in Arabic and Persian and soon, a new television service will
begin providing reliable news and information across the region.
Crow: Sponsored by FOX News!
I will send you a proposal to double the budget of the National Endowment
for Democracy, and to focus its new work on the development of free
elections, free markets, free press, and free labour unions in the Middle
East. And above all, we will finish the historic work of democracy in
Afghanistan and Iraq, so those nations can light the way for others, and
help transform a troubled part of the world.
Tom: Of course, we'll also be attacking other countries while we do this,
so don't get comfy.
America is a nation with a mission, and that mission comes from our most
basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire.
Mike: Except corporate empire.
Our aim is a democratic peace, a peace founded upon the dignity and rights
of every man and woman. America acts in this cause with friends and allies
at our side,
*Crow looks around*
Crow: Where?
yet we understand our special calling: This great Republic will lead the
cause of freedom.
Economy
All: It's Clinton's fault! It's Clinton's fault! It's Clinton's fault!
In these last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental
strengths of the American economy. We have come through recession and
terrorist attack and corporate scandals, and the uncertainties of war.
Tom: And at the same time, saw the Dow Jones and NASDAQ drop big time!
And because you acted to stimulate our economy with tax relief, this
economy is strong, and growing stronger.
Mike: As long as you're rich.
You have doubled the child tax credit from $500 to $1,000, reduced the
marriage penalty, begun to phase out the death tax, reduced taxes on
capital gains and stock dividends, cut taxes on small businesses, and you
have lowered taxes for every American who pays income taxes.
Tom: Especially the rich.
Crow: What do the poor get?
Mike: Fifty bucks.
Americans took those dollars and put them to work, driving this economy
forward. The pace of economic growth in the third quarter of 2003 was the
fastest in nearly 20 years.
Tom: Buying pizza...
Crow: Or a video game...
New home construction, the highest in almost 20 years. Home ownership
rates the highest ever. Manufacturing activity is increasing. Inflation is
low. Interest rates are low. Exports are growing. Productivity is high. And
jobs are on the rise.
*Mike looks around*
Mike: Jobs? Where?
These numbers confirm that the American people are using their money far
better than government would have, and you were right to return it.
Tom: All we would have spent it on is Social Security...
Crow: Or education
Mike: Or Welfare
America's growing economy is also a changing economy. As technology
transforms the way almost every job is done,
Tom: Your jobs are all being replaced by robots.
America becomes more productive, and workers need new skills.
Crow: Learn how to plunge a toilet. You'll need it.
Much of our job growth will be found in high-skilled fields like health
care and biotechnology.
Mike: We need nurses, and janitors like crazy.
So we must respond by helping more Americans gain the skills to find good
jobs in our new economy.
Education
All: You won't get no... Education. / You will suf-fer... Thought Control!
All skills begin with the basics of reading and math, which are supposed
to be learned in the early grades of our schools. Yet for too long, for
too many children, those skills were never mastered.
Crow: Look at me!
By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you have made the expectation of
literacy the law of our country.
Tom: We expect Literacy, but we're not going to require it.
We are providing more funding for our schools, a 36% increase since 2001.
We are requiring higher standards. We are regularly testing every child on
the fundamentals.
Crow: The Pledge of Allegience includes "Under God!" SAY IT!
We are reporting results to parents, and making sure they have better
options when schools are not performing. We are making progress toward
excellence for every child.
Mike: Children of rich familes of course.
Tom: Gotta keep the status quo!
But the status quo always has defenders.
Mike (as Bush): Like me.
Some want to undermine the No Child Left Behind Act by weakening standards
and accountability. Yet the results we require are really a matter of
common sense: We expect third graders to read and do math at third grade
level, and that is not asking too much.
Crow: So we're adjusting the third grade level to "knows alphabet, and how
to count from one to ten."
Testing is the only way to identify and help students who are falling
behind.
Tom: As long as they don't cheat...
This nation will not go back to the days of simply shuffling children
along from grade to grade without them learning the basics.
Mike: They're gonna know the bitter taste of failure, damn it!
I refuse to give up on any child, and the No Child Left Behind Act is
opening the door of opportunity to all of America's children.
Crow: Except those kids in the inner city.
At the same time, we must ensure that older students and adults can gain
the skills they need to find work now. Many of the fastest-growing
occupations require strong math and science preparation, and training
beyond the high school level.
Tom: Like Burgerology 101!
Crow: Fryer Operation 201
Mike: Cash Register Science Lab!
So tonight I propose a series of measures called Jobs for the 21st
Century. This programme will provide extra help to middle- and high school
students who fall behind in reading and math,
Mike: It's called a "Cat O' Nine Tails."
expand advanced placement programmes in low-income schools, and invite
math and science professionals from the private sector to teach part-time
in our high schools.
Crow (as Bush): We'll pay 'em more than regular teacher. Help foster
competition.
I propose larger Pell grants for students who prepare for college with
demanding courses in high school. I propose increasing our support for
America's fine community colleges, so they can train workers for the
industries that are creating the most new jobs.
Mike: A new generation of Temps will work our nation's Cheese Factories!
By all these actions, we will help more and more Americans to join in the
growing prosperity of our country.
Job training is important, and so is job creation. We must continue to
pursue an aggressive, pro-growth economic agenda.
Crow (as Bush): My way...
Tax cuts
Mike: What? Is he serious?
Tom: Deficit spending. It's what Republicans do best.
Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes. The tax
reductions you passed are set to expire.
Crow: *Some* people think we need income to run a government! Ha!
Unless you act, the unfair tax on marriage will go back up.
Mike: Vote Republican!
Unless you act, millions of families will be charged $300 more in federal
taxes for every child.
Tom: Vote Republican!
Unless you act, small businesses will pay higher taxes.
Crow: Vote Republican!
Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life.
Mike: Zombie Taxes!
Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase. What the Congress has
given, the Congress should not take away: For the sake of job growth, the
tax cuts you passed should be permanent.
Crow: Spend all ya' want! We'll print more.
Our agenda for jobs and growth must help small business owners and
employees with relief from needless federal regulation,
Tom: Who needs environmental legislation?
and protect them from junk and frivolous lawsuits.
Crow: Like unsafe product lawsuits.
Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our
economy run, so I urge you to pass legislation to modernise our
electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent
on foreign sources of energy.
Mike: Drills are primed and ready to carve up some Alaskan Tundra.
My administration is promoting free and fair trade,
Tom: *coff*STEEL TARRIFS!*coff*
to open up new markets for America's entrepreneurs, and manufacturers, and
farmers, and to create jobs for America's workers. Younger workers should
have the opportunity to build a nest egg by saving part of their Social
Security taxes in a personal retirement account.
Crow: So, we're cutting the minimum wage.
We should make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the
American people.
And we should limit the burden of government on this economy by acting as
good stewards of taxpayer dollars. In two weeks, I will send you a budget
that funds the war, protects the homeland, and meets important domestic
needs,
Mike: It slices, it dices! It maked julienne fries!
while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than 4%. This
will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending, and
be wise with the people's money. By doing so, we can cut the deficit in
half over the next five years.
Tom (as Bush): HAHAHAHA! Oh, my, I know you don't believe me for a minute
there. Whoo.. Spend away, folks!
Tonight I also ask you to reform our immigration laws, so they reflect our
values and benefit our economy. I propose a new temporary worker programme
to match willing foreign workers with willing employers, when no Americans
can be found to fill the job.
Crow: All those unemployed engineers in India need our help!
This reform will be good for our economy, because employers will find
needed workers in an honest and orderly system. A temporary worker
programme will help protect our homeland, allowing border patrol and law
enforcement to focus on true threats to our national security.
Tom (as Bush): Arabs.
I oppose amnesty, because it would encourage further illegal immigration,
and unfairly reward those who break our laws. My temporary worker programe
will preserve the citizenship path for those who respect the law, while
bringing millions of hardworking men and women out from the shadows of
American life.
Mike: But... that IS amnesty!
Health
Crow: When you have that, you have everything!
Our nation's health care system, like our economy, is also in a time of
change.
Mike: As far away from Socialized health care as possible!
Amazing medical technologies are improving and saving lives. This dramatic
progress has brought its own challenge, in the rising costs of medical care
and health insurance. Members of Congress, we must work together to help
control those costs and extend the benefits of modern medicine throughout
our country.
Tom: By killing the old folks.
Meeting these goals requires bipartisan effort and two months ago, you
showed the way. By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug
benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors: You are giving them
the modern medicine they deserve.
Crow: And the run down nursing homes their kids want.
Starting this year, under the law you passed, seniors can choose to
receive a drug discount card, saving them 10 to 25% off the retail price
of most prescription drugs, and millions of low-income seniors can get an
additional $600 to buy medicine.
Mike: Here's your card, ma'am. You can have 10% of Tylenol 3 with Codeine.
That's it.
Tom: And the major Pharmecuticals are raising their prices 10 to 25% to
match.
Beginning next year, seniors will have new coverage for preventive
screenings against diabetes and heart disease, and seniors just entering
Medicare can receive wellness exams.
Mike (as a Doctor): Do you feel well?
Crow: No.
Mike: Okay. You're free to go now.
In January of 2006, seniors can get prescription drug coverage under
Medicare. For a monthly premium of about $35, most seniors who do not have
that coverage today can expect to see their drug bills cut roughly in half.
Tom: Just as long as their drug bill is $70 a month.
Under this reform, senior citizens will be able to keep their Medicare
just as it is, or they can choose a Medicare plan that fits them best,
just as you, as Members of Congress, can choose an insurance plan that
meets your needs.
Mike: Medicare is now... Verizon.
And starting this year, millions of Americans will be able to save money
tax-free for their medical expenses, in a health savings account.
Crow: At your local bank.
I signed this measure proudly, and any attempt to limit the choices of our
seniors, or to take away their prescription drug coverage under Medicare,
will meet my veto.
Tom: Puh-leeze. You haven't veted anything that came onto your desk.
On the critical issue of health care, our goal is to ensure that Americans
can choose and afford private health care coverage that best fits their
individual needs.
Crow: Socialism is evil! Evil I tells ya!
To make insurance more affordable, Congress must act to address rapidly
rising health care costs. Small businesses should be able to band together
and negotiate for lower insurance rates, so they can cover more workers
with health insurance.
Mike: Stop sucking the government teat! That's the corporation's job!
I urge you to pass Association Health Plans. I ask you to give
lower-income Americans a refundable tax credit that would allow millions
to buy their own basic health insurance.
Crow: Again with the tax cutting!
By computerising health records, we can avoid dangerous medical mistakes,
reduce costs, and improve care. To protect the doctor-patient
relationship, and keep good doctors doing good work, we must eliminate
wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits.
Tom: He left a scapel in my stomach!
Crow: Sorry! Too frivolous!
And tonight I propose that individuals who buy catastrophic health care
coverage, as part of our new health savings accounts, be allowed to deduct
100% of the premiums from their taxes.
*Mike sighs and holds his head in his hands*
A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription. By keeping
costs under control, expanding access, and helping more Americans afford
coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes
America's health care the best in the world.
Tom: It's the best in the world? Since when?
Crow: Doublethink!
Drugs and abstinence
Mike: Drugs, yay!
Crow: Abstinence, boo!
We are living in a time of great change in our world, in our economy, and
in science and medicine. Yet some things endure - courage and compassion,
reverence and integrity, respect for differences of faith and race.
Tom: Except for those Atheist punks.
The values we try to live by never change. And they are instilled in us by
fundamental institutions, such as families, and schools, and religious
congregations. These institutions, the unseen pillars of civilisation,
must remain strong in America, and we will defend them.
Mike: Bring the Holy Hand Grenade!
We must stand with our families to help them raise healthy, responsible
children. And when it comes to helping children make right choices, there
is work for all of us to do.
Crow: Those abortion clinics aren't going to protest themselves!
One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives
and futures on drugs. Our government is helping parents confront this
problem, with aggressive education, treatment, and law enforcement. Drug
use in high school has declined by 11% over the past two years.
Crow: You mean, people who got caught using drugs declined by 11%.
Four hundred thousand fewer young people are using illegal drugs than in
the year 2001.
Tom: Wow. That's a REALLY big number, George.
In my budget, I have proposed new funding to continue our aggressive,
community-based strategy to reduce demand for illegal drugs. Drug testing
in our schools has proven to be an effective part of this effort.
Mike: Pee in the cup.
Crow: But I'm on the Chess Team!
Mike: Just pee in the damn cup.
So tonight I propose an additional $23m dollars for schools that want to
use drug testing as a tool to save children's lives. The aim here is not
to punish children, but to send them this message: We love you, and we
don't want to lose you.
Tom: So tie those apron string tight, moms!
To help children make right choices, they need good examples.
Mike (as Bush): People totally unlike me.
Athletics play such an important role in our society, but, unfortunately,
some in professional sports are not setting much of an example.
Crow: Some PRESIDENTS aren't setting much of an example.
Tom: At least Clinton admitted he experimented.
The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball,
football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message -
that there are shortcuts to accomplishment,
Mike: Such as the Supreme Court
Tom and Crow: Ooh! Cold!
and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call
on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the
lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids
now.
Mike: I'm sure everyone will stop when they start growing breasts.
Crow: I wouldn't.
To encourage right choices, we must be willing to confront the dangers
young people face, even when they are difficult to talk about.
Tom: Or pronounce.
Each year, about three million teenagers contract sexually transmitted
diseases that can harm them, or kill them, or prevent them from ever
becoming parents. In my budget, I propose a grassroots campaign to help
inform families about these medical risks.
Mike: Not a cent of which has to do with condoms.
We will double Federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can
teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain
way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.
Tom: Right on the money, there, Mike!
Crow: Yeah!
Mike: (Sheepish) Thanks.
Decisions children make now can affect their health and character for the
rest of their lives. All of us - parents, schools, government - must work
together to counter the negative influence of the culture, and to send the
right messages to our children.
Crow: Sex before marriage is bad.
Mike: Vote Republican!
Tom: White people are the best people.
Marriage
Mike: No gays allowed!
A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we
should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the
most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilisation.
Tom: Divorce rates? What divorce rates!
Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of
Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects
marriage under federal law as the union of a man and a woman, and declares
that one state may not redefine marriage for other states.
Crow: Nobody's perfect.
Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order,
without regard for the will of the people and their elected
representatives.
Mike: Isn't that their job?
On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard.
If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only
alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our
nation must defend the sanctity of marriage.
Tom: Even if it means spiting athiests, and homosexuals.
The outcome of this debate is important, and so is the way we conduct it.
The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each
individual has dignity and value in God's sight.
Crow (as Bush): Except for the queers.
It is also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the
compassion of America's religious institutions. Religious charities of
every creed are doing some of the most vital work in our country -
Mike: Converting the heathens!
mentoring children, feeding the hungry, taking the hand of the lonely. Yet
government has often denied social service grants and contracts to these
groups, just because they have a cross or Star of David or crescent on the
wall.
Crow (as Bush): Stupid separation of Church & State
By Executive Order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to
competition that includes faith-based charities. Tonight I ask you to
codify this into law, so people of faith can know that the law will never
discriminate against them again.
Tom: Unless they're, say, Pagan or something.
In the past, we have worked together to bring mentors to the children of
prisoners, and provide treatment for the addicted, and help for the
homeless. Tonight I ask you to consider another group of Americans in need
of help.
Mike: Enron Executives.
This year, some 600,000 inmates will be released from prison back into
society. We know from long experience that if they can't find work, or a
home, or help, they are much more likely to commit more crimes and return
to prison. So tonight, I propose a four-year, $300m Prisoner Re-Entry
Initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide
transitional housing, and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring,
including from faith-based groups. America is the land of the second
chance, and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead
to a better life.
Tom: You know, aside from the faith-based groups bit, That makes sense.
Crow: Which is why it will never actually happen.
'Greater power'
Mike (as Tim Allen): We need more power! Arr, Arr, Arr!
For all Americans, the last three years have brought tests we did not ask
for,
Crow: Like dealing with you.
and achievements shared by all. By our actions, we have shown what kind of
nation we are. In grief, we found the grace to go on. In challenge, we
rediscovered the courage and daring of a free people. In victory, we have
shown the noble aims and good heart of America. And having come this far,
we sense that we live in a time set apart.
Tom: Set apart from what?
Crow (as Bush): I'm thinking... I'm thinking...
I have been a witness to the character of the American people, who have
shown calm in times of danger, compassion for one another, and toughness
for the long haul. All of us have been partners in a great enterprise. And
even some of the youngest understand that we are living in historic times.
Last month a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island, sent me a letter.
Crow: Dear Penthouse Forum...
It began: "Dear George W Bush. If there is anything you know I, Ashley
Pearson age 10, can do to help anyone, please send me a letter and tell me
what I can do to save our country." She added this PS: "If you can send a
letter to the troops, please put 'Ashley Pearson believes in you.' "
Mike: Tom, do a search on Ashley Pearson in Lincoln, Rhode Island.
Tom: Okay *shakes* No records found.
Crow: I KNEW IT!
Tonight, Ashley, your message to our troops has just been conveyed. And
yes, you have some duties yourself.
Mike: Tell Mommy and Daddy to vote Republican.
Study hard in school, listen to your mom or dad, help someone in need, and
when you and your friends see a man or woman in uniform, say: "Thank you."
And while you do your part, all of us here in this great chamber will do
our best to keep you and the rest of America safe and free.
Crow: And Christian.
My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with confidence and faith. Our
nation is strong and steadfast. The cause we serve is right,
Tom (as Bush): Because I said so!
because it is the cause of all mankind. The momentum of freedom in our
world is unmistakable and it is not carried forward by our power alone. We
can trust in that greater power who guides the unfolding of the years. And
in all that is to come, we can know that his purposes are just and true.
Mike: We've come a long way from "Ask not what your country can do for
you," haven't we?
Tom: Yeah.
May God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
Crow: Sorry, God's off playing Skeeball in Atlantic City
Tom: Metatron's going to convenently forget to bring leave this message on
God's desk.
Mike: Let's get out of here, folks.
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