[SOL - Crow & Tom are at the console]
Tom: So which do you think would be worse - Jadzia Dax appearing in
"Becker"
or Ezri Dax waking up in "The Dead Zone"?
Crow: Hmm, that's tough. Is a cranky Ted Danson worse than Anthony
Michael
Hall in full-on Chris Walken mode?
Tom: Either way it beats getting eaten by the snake-mayor on "Buffy".
Crow: I'm still not sure that's worse than Ted Danson.
Tom: Maybe not, but still...
Mike: [O.S.] Guys! Guys! I've figured it out!!
Tom: Uh-oh.
Crow: Sounds like trouble.
[Mike rushes onscreen, clutching several pieces of paper. His hair is
disheveled and he has a wild look on his face]
Mike: Look! See? I've found the cause of all our woes!
Tom: Nope, this can't be good.
Crow: [whispering] Just humor him till it passes. [To Mike] Okay, Nelson,
lay
it on us.
Mike: Okay okay okay, I was thinking about what that guy said about the
numbers and the letters and multiplying by six and all...
Tom: Oh brother!
Crow: Stay steady, Servo.
Mike: ...And I started doing some figuring. Look, look at this - if you
spell
out "Forrester", and multiply the letter values by 6, you get 744!
[pause]
Crow: Uh, Mike, I'm not really seeing the point here.
Mike: Wait, that's not all - there's three R's, so you reduce their value
by
three apiece then re-multiply, and you're down to 690! And then you
do
the same thing to the 2 E's, and re-multiply - YOU GET 6-6-6!!!
[another pause]
Mike: Don't you guys see! Isn't it *clear*?!?
Crow: Um...
Mike: And it works! It works for both Pearl and her son! It's the
answer!
Tom: It's interesting, I'll grant you, but...
Mike: But what?
Crow: Well, don't take this the wrong way, Mike, but I don't think you're
the
first guy to come up with this scheme.
Mike: Well, yeah, there was the guy in the thing, but I'm positive that -
Tom: Actually, Mike, it's been about 20 years ago since someone figured
out
the whole "Multiply By Six" shtick works on both "KISSINGER" and
"COMPUTER".
Crow: Yeah, so if you see Henry with an iMac, take cover.
Tom: Besides, they got those numbers fairly directly - *you* went around
the
world and back to get your results. If you diddle around with
anything
enough, you'll eventually wind up with 666.
Mike: You think?
Tom: Sure! Look, take the letters in "CROW T ROBOT", get the numbers,
divide
the two T's and the two R's by half, sextuple it - bam! You get
666!
Mike & Crow: Really?
Tom: Yep.
Mike: Heh. Okay, I guess you guys are right - it *is* kind of silly.
Crow: Well, hold on, wait a second there, Mike - what if I *am* the
embodiment
of all evil? I mean, you heard what Servo said.
Mike: Yeah, but we just determined that doesn't work.
Tom: No, come to think of it, maybe he's right. I mean, I *am* a pretty
good
source of information.
Mike: Do you *feel* evil, Crow?
Crow: Well - I *have* occasionally had the urge to eradicate all that's
good
and decent and uplifting in the universe.
Tom: Ya gotta admit, that's kinda evil.
Crow: True. [pause] Oh wait, that was just the one time after I lost to
Gypsy
at Milles Bornes.
Mike: Ooh, yeah, that could explain it.
Tom: Anything else?
Crow: Wellllll, I do feel like giving the two of you massive wedgies and a
great big old wet willy.
Tom: Oh ya do, huh?
Crow: That's right, fembot! Whattaya gonna do about it!
Tome: We'll show you - c'monm we can take you!
Mike: Yeah, bring it on, goldie!
[Lights flash]
Crow: Whoops, it's gonna have to wait, guys - Pearlzabub on line two.
[CF - Bobo & Observer are still at the computer]
Pearl: Listen up, you yertzes! There ain't nobody - *nobody* around here
any
eviller than me! You got that?! I am the SUPREME evil in this area!
Bobo: What about that nice Dr. Narbon?
Pearl: [gritted teeth] What - have I said - about mentioning - THAT
NAME?!?
Bobo: Oops. Sorry, Lawgiver.
Pearl: She thinks she's such a big shot, with her fancy ur-Gerbils and
that
idiot savant lab boy! Hah! Let's see *her* get away with
subjecting
someone to a Doc Thinker story *and* a Ratliff story at the same
time.
Bobo: Okay. But I thought that was supposed to be the big surprise for
Mike
and the bots.
Pearl: It is! And no one better let on to them either, or heads will
roll!
Observer: [offhandedly] I suspect they already know.
Pearl: Huh?
Observer: You're still broadcasting, Pearl.
Pearl: [Realization dawning] I - they - you - RRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!
[SOL]
Mike: Doc Thinker?
Tom: *And* Stephen Ratliff?
Crow: What sin could a bot commit in a single lifetime?
Tom: Well, you being the embodiment of pure evil and all...
Crow: Aw, I *knew* there'd be a drawback somewhere!
[CF]
Pearl: Okay, fine, the secret's out! But in this case, knowing is exactly
*none* of the battle! In fact, it's - it's less than none of the
battle! Knowing just makes it that much worse! Knowing, in fact,
piles
heaps upon heaps of torment on your heaps and heaps of torment that
you've alread-
[A vague trumpeting sound comes from the computer]
Brain Guy: Oh look! Now they have elephants!
Bobo: Yeah. Later on you get hippos and puppies, too.
Pearl: What?
Bobo: Oh, well since you banned us from playing "Bookworm", Lawgiver, we
switched to "Noah's Ark".
Observer: Yes, it's such a precious little game, with monkeys and lions
and
little piggies and so forth.
Pearl: Mm-hm. Mike, I'm going to be busy spreading pain and toremnt down
here
for a bitty bit, so I'd really appreciate it if you could get back
in
the theater and slowly go mad from sheer torture, 'kay? Thanks.
[SOL]
[Lights, alarums, etc.]
All: AAAHHHH!!! MORE EVIL SIGN!!!
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter]
Crow: I guess I'm not that evil after all.
Tom: Nah. Between Fidel Castro and Jerry Bruckheimer, you're strictly in
the
minor leagues.
>"ARTISTIC LISCENSE"
>BY DR. THINKER
>
Crow: Ahh, *now* we know why he spells the way he does.
Mike: He's the Cristo of the literary set.
>
>What's the heck was going on
Mike: Well, there's *something* going on here, but you don't understand
it,
do you Mr. Jones?
> in that CD Comic personal head
Tom: I wonder if he's got one of those 56x Read-Write CD drives in his
head?
Crow: If he's the boss, he probably has a DVD burner too.
Mike: Yeah, and his secretary, who does all the work, still has a 5 1/4
inch
drive in *her* head.
> when that
Earthling
>hired that glass-wearing geek, Jim Byre?
Crow: All his suits are hand-blown.
> He changed my friend copycat
into a
>super wrestler and almost erased my copycat!
Tom: Harry Connick Jr. and Sigourney Weaver wish you had.
> Lucky, I called in Boss CD
Mike: The RIAA?
>himself and asked if I can reboot World-1's Powergirl for them.
Crow: He said it was up to me, if I didn't mind a few dozen broken bones,
plus
a sexual harassment lawsuit.
> I'm been
asking
>day every since my fiction-copycat
Tom: As opposed to his non-fiction-copycat.
> got blasted into so-much fish chow
Mike: Hey, Aquaman's gotta eat, too.
> by
that
>crazy Evil Overseer in "Trouble In Unlimited Worlds".
Tom: Oooh, subtle.
Crow: Yeah, like a flamethrower in a coal mine.
> The boss-person of
CD
>told me to "Make your day, punkette"
Crow: Pink must be doing the soundtrack.
> that was spoken like Clint Eastwood.
Mike: [Clint] You know, in all the confusion, I don't recall if I mangled
six
sentences - or just five.
>I'm been working a good new origin for Powergirl.
Tom: [Doc] One that includes her new boyfriend, a spelling-challenged yet
virile fanficion writer.
> He didn't mind the job I
give him
>and in also connects back to Tara's past as a secret weapon.
>
Tom: That must have been before Buffy and Willow joined the Justice
League.
Mike: Uh-oh.
Crow: Yeah, I felt it too.
Tom: What?
Mike: I think you just gave Rob another crossover idea.
>And speaking of origins, Kal-El has been on my case
Tom: He was assigned to it by the Public Defenders office.
> after since he
discovered
>that my rocket ship had no smashed Kryptonian engine.
Crow: It's interstellar insurance fraud!
> I'm a bit shocked
when he
>told this. I better tell him my real origin
Tom: Turns out she's *not* a street kid from Kandor's gritty inner city -
just
a spoiled upper-middle-class wannabe poseur from suburban
Kryptonopolis.
> before he's gets thinking
that I'm
>a Phantom Zoner, which I'm not! The
>
Crow: "The"?
Mike: Apparently so, yes.
Tom: So just "The"? No "And" or "To" or even a "Delores"?
Mike: Nope, just "The".
Crow: Doc's going minimalist on us.
>#######################################################################
>
>I really hate this stuff.
Mike: Yecch! Broccoli souffle!
> It's seems like Superman is a middle of a
battle
>against that backward bozo,
Crow: Ozob?
> Bizzaro. I'm hate to this to Bizzaro, but I'm
>really in a bad mood
Tom: Join the club, whoever you are.
> and love to take it out on that sob
Crow: Oh, there's no need to burst into tears about it.
> from Htrae.
>
Tom: Bizarro is from Wales? Who knew?
>I dived underground and give Bizzaro's legs shake and toss upwards.
Mike: I just don't get kids these days and their little dances.
> I saw
>Superman's face with X-ray vision
Crow: So not so much his face, then, as his skull.
> that he got a shock look at this face.
I come
>up from under dressed in a new outfit, a purple blouse and skirt.
Tom: Public reaction to Green Lantern's new outfit is mixed.
> The
blouse
>still wearing the famous S-shield, about as large as Superman's S-shield.
Mike: Yeah, you wish.
>
>I added the copy of my first red boots.
>
Tom: o/` These boots are made for flyn', and that's just what they'll do
o/`
>"Kara? Looks like you going for tried and true,
Crow: Yeah, well she considered the hastily planned and patently false,
but it
just wasn't workable.
> but what's with the
purple
>color for your tights." Kal-El states.
>
Mike: [Kara] I thought you knew - I'm Prince's new squeeze.
>"Getting a little to many female Superman remarks." I replied.
>
Tom: [Superman] Geez, show up for the JLA meeting in Lois's lavender
chiffon
dress *one lousy time*, and Batman never lets you forget!
>"And you going to more remark with that outfit, Kara."
Mike: [announcer] Yes, this outfit will send you on a fabulous three-day,
four night vacation to the island paradise of Moreremark!
> Kal-El replied.
>
>I rolled my eyes at Kal-El.
Crow: Come on, baby needs a new pair of tights!
> "Well, Kal-El.
Tom: Well, Kal-El, what the hell.
Crow: Is Kal-El gellin'?
Mike: He's gellin' like a felon!
> It's high time that I'm come
clean."
>
Mike: Supergirl takes a bath every Saturday, whether she needs to or not.
>"Clean? Don't tell you where a Phantom Zoner." Superman remarked.
>
Crow: Where a Phantom Zoner *what*?
Tom: Where they hide their money. It's not a pretty sight.
>"I'm not. Remember the origin I told you?" I asked
>
Tom: [Superman] Yeah, that Parker kid who got bit by a spider or
something?
Boy, how wacky can you get?
>"If I remember it, not too sure, no thanks to all those Kryptonite pieces
I'm
>been exposed to!
Mike: Kryptonite causes memory loss?
Crow: That's how they're able to keep revising his origin every five
years.
> By sheer luck, a dome city of Krypton got launch out of
space
>with Anti-Kryptonite,
Crow: [Scotty] Ach, Cap'n, the Kryptonite/Anti-Kryptonite injectors're all
fused!
> the Kryptonians who covered it with lead sheet.
Mike: Tragically, they forgot about this when they put it in the
microwave.
Tom: Ouch.
> You
were
>born on that piece until you reach Kryptonian adulthood,
Crow: That's one helluva long labor!
> when a meteor
shower
>broke the dome and lead sheet.
Tom: Boy, where's Bruce Willis & Ben Affleck when you *really* need them?
> Your father, Zor-El built a rocket
Mike: [Superman] And never paid my dad any royalties on it!
Tom: [Kara] Your dad is dead, Kal.
Mike: [Superman] And there you go, bringing up old stuff again!
> and
your
>mother, Allura,
Tom: Course, her *real* name was Maxine Kryptonowski - "Allura" was just
her
stage name.
> created your first costume.
Crow: [Superman] That vinyl French Maid's oufit - yowza.
> Then you come to Earth in
Zor-El's
>rocket ship." Kal-El stated clearly.
>
Crow: "Clearly"?
Mike: Don't knock it - for the Doc, that was almost the Queen's English.
>"I got two worlds for you." I stated.
>
Crow: Vulcan and Aldeberon.
>"Don't tell?
Tom: Don't ask.
> Artistic License?" asked Kal-El.
>
Mike: I'm pretty sure the Doc's had his suspended a couple of times.
>"In a way, yeah." I replied. "I'm was the engine."
>
Crow: She's the Little Supergirl Who Could.
>"But, how?" asked Kal-El.
>
>"It's all started many years back on Krypton.
Tom: Back when life was giddy and carefree.
> Thought my given name was
Kara,
>my last name was Vur-Geri.
Crow: [Kara] And my middle name was "Wilhelmina".
> I was a great scientist, a writer, and an
actor back
>on Krypton.
Mike: [Kara] Also, I was a ballerina, a nurse, a major-league pitcher and
a
princess. Plus, I raised ponies.
> I created a time machine.
Tom: [Kara] I called it a "clock".
> I tested the time machine by
sending
>myself it 200,000,000,000,0000 year of exist and discover that I was on
the
>pushed moon by some of explosion of some kind."
>
Mike: Sadly, she discovered too late that time travel really does a number
on the brain's speech centers.
>"Great Scott!
Tom: Hmm. For some reason, I feel like throwing toilet paper right now.
Crow: It'll pass. Just get your toast and water pistol ready.
> Krypton exploded short of 100,000,000,000,000 year!"
Superman
>stated.
>
Crow: A hundred trillion years ago? Boy, Supes is a heckuva lot older
than he looks.
Mike: He moisturizes.
>Just then Bizzaro got back up
Tom: You're never gonna keep him down.
> and we had to finished things with him.
Mike: What kind of things?
Tom: Tea time, macrame, a panel discussion...
Crow: You know - *things*!
>I'm thinking he still hurting from that hit that I give him.
>
Crow: Yikes! Supergirl's not afraid to fight dirty.
>###############################################################
>
>It looked a few days.
Tom: And in one proto-sentence, the Doc manages to reduce the entire
space-time continuum to chaos.
> We both had events to appear at for both of our
>identities.
Crow: [Kara] Superman was the center square on "Hollywood Squares" and
I cut the ribbon to open a brand new Krogers in Delaware.
> Lucky, we got a break on Saturday. I called "Clark" at
"Daily
>Planet"
Mike: We decided to meet at "Bar" for "Drink".
> I told him I meet him in his fortress.
>
Crow: The one around his heart?
Tom: Yeah, he encircled her with trenches and barbed wire.
>I saw him just as he lifted up the fake airplane direction marker
Tom: Made for guiding fake airplanes.
> that
also
>functions as a Superman's key.
Crow: Sure, it was difficult to scratch his ear with it, but hey - he's
Superman!
> I had programmed a Krypton disk,
Mike: Terry Pratchett's Seigel & Shuster's "Krypton Diskworld".
> which
contained
>a journal (in Kryptonese); my opinions on friends, other superheroes, and
of
>course, villains;
Tom: She's the Joan Rivers of the Superhero set.
> and well as my real origin as filmed by Batman and me.
>
Crow: Batman *filmed* her diary?
Mike: Is the world ready for the directorial debut of Adam West?
Tom: Hey, as long as it doesn't star Faye Dunaway as the villain, I'm
happy.
>From the desk,
Tom: [announcer] The DC Comics Newsdesk at WGBS!
> he learned that I landed an uninhabited yellow sun planet
that
>had low gravity.
Mike: She landed without clearance, too.
Crow: And boy, was the Kryptonian Aviation Authority upset!
> There I discover a Kryptonese book.
Mike: "The Phantom Zone for Dummies".
> I turned on one of
the
>pages and discover it was Kryptonian computer book
Tom: Oooh, a ThinkPad! Sweet!
> that contained
Krypton's
>history, some of those events I didn't know happens.
Crow: There was a whole section on the election dispute between Jorj-Dub,
Al-Gor and Naid-Er.
> These computer books
were
>also a health book
Mike: Kryptonite's low-fat, but really high in carbs.
> and had opinion on what powers Kryptonians may get
from a
>yellow sun and had low gravity:
Tom: Turns out the only thing it does for them is help eliminate unsightly
underarm stains.
> Super-strength, Super-speed,
Super-breath,
Mike: Super-toenails.
Tom: Super-snoring.
Crow: Super-third nipple.
>flying, heat-vision, microscopic-vision,
Crow: [Bush41] It's - it's the vision thing, there.
> super-hearing, and X-ray vision.
>
Mike: Ironically, though, he has to stand behind a lead shield to use it.
>He also discover that send a while in space, learning how to used my
powers,
Tom: But not the rules of grammar.
>and building my fake rocket ship after using X-ray vision and
super-hearing to
>hear Superman tell his origin to the Justice League of America.
Mike: By an odd coincidence, this is how Barbra Streisand got started,
too.
> I heard
rumors
>from friendly aliens that might be a planet with a huge library that
keeps tabs
>on every planet history.
Crow: The planet of Shhhhhh!
> I learned that Kal-El. I used my rocket to go to
Oryu,
Tom: o/` Oryu is, or oryu ain't my baby? o/`
>which turns out to a planet of purple and pink libraries.
Crow: Ruled over by its cruel but fair leader, Jessnevins.
> Using their
Earth
>history and Krypton history,
Tom: [Kara] I filled my electives and qualified for a degree.
> I discover Kal-El's father, Jor-El, had a
brother
>Zor-El,
Crow: He also had a brother named Dar-El. And another brother named
Dar-El.
> but was killed in the explosion of Krypton.
Mike: Why don't they look?
> Using him and making
up
>fiction mother, Allura,
Tom: Who ran Krypton's biggest pay-per-view Webcam site.
> and come up with a idea that would bring a
Mac-truck
Crow: Which is far easier to use than a PC truck.
Tom: Aaaah, it may come in lots of pretty colors, but they all have the
same
lousy engine.
>of the shape-ship kind because of a plot hole.
Tom: Really?
Mike: Well, why not? I'm sure the Doc keeps a huge supply on hand.
Tom: Yeah, well, he ain't the only one.
Crow: I hear Tom Clancy has a whole warehouse of them stashed away.
> After watching this part, he
reason
>that he didn't recognize where the plot holes where,
Crow: He fell through one and wound up in a Babylon-5/Angel crossover.
> because when he
first
>claimed to be a cousin of him,
Mike: You'd think anyone claiming to be a cousin of themselves could be
easily
debunked.
> he was overcome with super-size amount of
joy.
Crow: He got the Extra-Large fries and drink for only 39 cents more.
>His super-size joy ended around the time of those eerie sand ghost events
Tom: There's nothing worse than a grumpy ghost with sand stuck in his
ectoplasm.
>where is power also when down to the third,
Mike: Doc Thinker's third down and 10 on Supergirl's 40 yard line!
> and I'm suffering from a lost of
power in
>times of need.
Bots: [Tim Allen] MORE POWER!! Arh arh arh!
> I feel sorry for my comic twin.
Crow: The part of Superman will be played by Jerry Seinfeld.
Appropriately
enough.
> I know I'm going to get an
odd
>remark soon from him...and I got it.
>
Tom: [Superman] Kara, you ever wonder what Tungsten tastes like?
>"Why didn't you tell me...SOONER?" Kal-El asked.
>
Tom: [Supergirl] Because then I wouldn't have been able to tell you...
NOW!
>"Three words, Kal-El --
Mike: Zero Percent Financing!
> The Major Crisis." I answered.
>
>"That?" Superman remarked. "And what else?"
>
Crow: [Crow] I was kinda distracted by the "American Idol" finals.
>"The Legion's Brainic 5's death hurt me as well." Supergirl remarked. "I
guess
>we still haven't got over crushing on each other yet."
>
Tom: Well, *you* haven't. If he's dead, I'm pretty sure he's over it.
Mike: Of course, this *is* comic book land.
Tom: Oh yeah. He's probably already alive and well and crushing again.
>What's that, I saw a note.
Mike: It was E-flat above High-C.
> It was written by latest leader of the Legion
of
>Superheroes,
Tom: Off-Screen Exposition Lad!
> it told me that Brainic 5 was used as a Time Trapper plot.
Crow: Then they used him as a very special plot on "Gilmore Girls".
>
They
>also told me Brainic 5 is back
Mike: And this time it's personal!
Tom: At least until he dies. Again.
> and he a still bit worry about if there is
going
>to another CRISIS in the future.
>
Crow: Will there be a CRISIS in the future? Page 204.
>"That's given me a warm-feeling right in." I stated pointing to my heart.
>
Tom: [Superman] You forgot to take your Corgard again, didn't you?
Crow: [Kara] Hey, it's under control! I'm perfectly fi-URK! *thud*
>#####################################################################
>
>It's seems that Joker come to Tee-Tea City, Texas
[Bots giggle uncontrollably]
> to do two things
>
Tom: *snerk* Well, given the name, it's probably not number two.
>-- To avoid what he calls "Bat-Brain". - To make a crime wave that would
make
>unstoppable.
>
Mike: Oh, and he also heard about their terrific discount for mass
murdering
psychopaths at the local IHOP.
>He made on same error.
Crow: He bobbled the throw from third and let Green Arrow score the
winning
run.
> He doesn't know that I made that my new home.
Tom: Metropolis? Gotham? New York? Never mind those - all the *real*
crime-
fighting action's in Tee-Tea City, Texas!
>
Joker and
>his crook thugs were send up the creek with out a paddle!
>
Crow: They were at the end of their rope and under the gun.
Mike: Which made them madder than a wet hen and fit to be tied.
Tom: So they had to bite the bullet and get out of Dodge!
>What's with Batman's villains going to Tee-Tea City?
Mike: Just offhand, I'm guessing maybe Evil Diuretics?
> Thinking they can
get away
>with a crime. They are more out of mind that Bizzaro could be.
>
Tom: Which would make Bizzaro - what, then, sane or something?
Crow: Don't try that route, Tommy -you'll just hurt yourself.
>High-tech blaster.
Crow: Two parts gin, one part vodka, pour over your PDA.
> Coluain gears.
Mike: [British] It's all fab and gear and stuff like that, lads!
> Brainic is up to something. Looks like
it's
>high time for Linda Lee Danvers to change into
>
Tom: Something more comfortable, perhaps?
>
>SUPERGIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
All: GYAH!!
Crow: She has super exclamation power!
>################THE END##############################################
>
Tom: And Super Pound Sign vision, to boot.
>
>This story is (c)copyrighted 2002 by Dr. Thinker.
Mike: Ah, this must Dr. Thinker's Lost Classic!
> Supergirl is (c)copyright
1959 by
>DC Comics.
Crow: Well, one of them is. Take your pick, y'know?
> Superman is (c)copyright 1939 by DC Comics.
>
Tom: Techinically, he was copyright by National Periodicals Publications,
which became DC Comics.
Mike: I see.
Tom: Actually, he's owned by Warner Publishing, which is a divsion of
Warner
Communications.
Crow: Great.
Tom: Which in turn is owned by AOL-Time-Warner.
Mike: Uh-huh. Is there a point to this?
Tom: Well... [pause] Does there *have* to be?
Mike: Apparently not.
|
